Dan sat in his car,its engine was still running. He didn’t know how long he’d been there, but it must have been a while. He’d noticed a few people parking up, disappearing and, after a time, making their return. He’d even garnered the odd strange look. Yet still, he just satthere.
Trying and failing to gather his thoughts, he realised he was being selfish, she had to be wondering where he’d got to by now. He also knew that he couldn’t stay in his car forever. Whatever lay ahead, he had to face up to it at some point. However, with his mind all over the place, every time he tried to move his heart began beating so fast he thought he might throw up. If this roller coaster of a ride hadn’t been scary enough already, it was nothing compared to how itfeltnow.
He took a deep breath and gripped the steering wheel so tight his knuckles turned white, but neither of these actions did anything to still his shaking hands. ‘Come on, Dan,’ he said. ‘You candothis.’
Finally, he told himself he was ready and, after turning off the engine, got out of the vehicle. He stared at the building before him.Dove Court Hospiceread the sign above the entrance; the wordHospicescreamed out at him loud and clear. Dan almost froze again, he was forced to inhale and exhale in an attempt to get a grip. All he had to do, he insisted, was make it through thedoors.
He reluctantly began putting one foot in front of the other, all the while praying this was an over-reaction on his part; that his mother’s sudden admittance was simply a precaution. After all, as he thought about the increasing pain she’d endured lately, her medication clearly hadn’t been doing its job. He crossed his fingers in the hope that the medical staff just wanted to keep an eye on his mum while they tested for a more suitable combination of drugs. ‘Please, God,’ he said. He, at last, entered the building. ‘Please don’t take herjustyet.’
‘I’m here about my mum,’ said Dan. He tried to control the quiver in his voice as he made his way to the reception desk. ‘I believe she’s just beenadmitted.’
The receptionist gave him a gentle smile and while he knew there wasn’t much else she could do under the circumstances, her sympathy only served to feed hisfears.
‘You must be Gerry’s son,’shesaid.
‘Yes, I am.’ He tried to raise a smile ofhisown.
‘Your mum said you’d be coming. Although she wasn’t expecting youjustyet.’
As the receptionist stepped from behind the desk ready to go and fetch someone, Dan gave her a quizzical look. He certainly wouldn’t be anywhere else at a time like this and it surprised him to know others would thinkotherwise.
‘Something about it being a big nighttonight?’
Jesus, Mum, he thought to himself. His date with Annabel should be the last thing on her mindrightnow.
He suddenly felt a glimmer of hope. Surely her talking about his love life had to be agoodsign?
The woman disappeared off down the hall leaving Dan to take in his surroundings. The hospice had a definite modern feel, but at the same time, didn’t have that clinical air expected in a medical facility. He supposed places like this needed a relaxed atmosphere, that they prided themselves on the personal touch. All part of what was it they called it? Oh yes,palliativecare.
As if to prove his point, he spotted a cork board hanging on one of the walls. Covered in photos, he leaned in for a closer look. Members of staff and former patients beamed back at him, although as he focused on their faces, Dan struggled to get his head around what any of them had to be so happy about. Seeing that most of them were dying, he couldn’t help but wonder how many were still around tothisday.
‘Dan!’ someone suddenlycalledout.
He hastily turned, eager to see who the voice belonged to. ‘Jill,’ he replied. As he raced to meet her, Dan had never felt so relieved to see a familiar face. ‘How is she?’ he asked. ‘Why are we here? What’shappening?’
The nurse indicated they should sit down and guided him over to a couple of seats. ‘The doctor’s with her now. We’ll know more once he’sfinished.’
‘I don’t understand,’ said Dan. ‘She said shewasfine.’
He pictured his mother only a while earlier, he felt guilty for leaving her. He hadn’t wanted to; they’d even had a bit of an argument about it. But she’d insisted he had nothing to worry about as per usual; that his date with Annabel took priority over him babysitting her. Why couldn’t he have been just as adamant as his mum and flat outrefused?
‘I should have put my foot down more,’hesaid.
‘If there’s one thing I’ve learned about your mother these last couple of months,’ said Jill. ‘It’s that she has one hell of an independentstreak.’
Dan felt himself relax a little. ‘Tell me about it. You should have heard the message she left. Anyone would think that she was checking into a hotel not a hospice.’ He paused to recall her exact words, his frustrations returned to the fore. ‘But to think I wouldn’t turn the car around and come straight here. What kind of son does she have medownas?’
‘Tonight was as important for her as it was you,youknow.’
‘I know,’ Dan replied. ‘And every step of the way I’ve tried to do things her way. But come on. Look at where we are, Jill. Even Mum must see that things with Annabel aren’t exactly importantrightnow.’
He steeled himself ready for the worst, while desperately hoping for the best. ‘So,’ he said. ‘Tellme.’
Jill placed a reassuring hand on his and, knowing this was never a good sign, Dan felt his heart skipabeat.
‘She has lymphedema, Dan. She did her best to try and hide it from me, of course. But as soon as I realised what was happening I knew it was time tocomein.’
Convinced he’d read about lymphedema somewhere, Dan tried and failed to recollect the details. He’d read so much about his mother’s condition lately that everything seemed to have merged into a mass of undecipherable information. Confused, he looked to Jill for anexplanation.
