“No no no no no, it can’t be true,” Astrid begged, clutching at Finn’s shirt. “Take it back, take itback!”
“Astrid, you are only embarrassing yourself!” Ambrose said sternly, prying her fingers off his shirt one by one. “Stop this.”
But Astrid did not appreciate his advice.
“And you?” she spat with loathing. “You’ve got likenosperm.”
There was stunned silence in the crowd, everyone struck completely dead silent at this news.
Ambrose didn't look particularly concerned.
“Don’t be ridiculous. How did you get pregnant then?”
“I went to a sperm bank!” she shot at him, trying to shake him off. “The one off Fifth Street. Went and carefully selected a peak physical specimen. Couldn’t wait forever trying to wring some sperm out ofyourballs.”
“Why, that’s the one I go to!” Harold cried out jovially. “Lovely waiting area. They even give you a free cup of coffee afterwards.”
“Holy fucking hell and bollocks,” Finn rumbled Irishly in my ear and I clutched the fence in shock.
“Harold!” Millicent snapped, enunciating each word with awful, crystal-clear clarity. “Are. You. Telling. Me. You. Have. Been. Donating. EJACULATED MATERIAL to a sperm bank?”
“Just on Tuesdays,” he chirruped, the two beers Finn had given him clearly empowering him beyond anything I had seen in my life.
“Oh my god,” Finn said. “Is—Haroldyour baby daddy?”
“But—but, it’s not possible!” Astrid cried heatedly, looking pale. “I chose my sperm donor profile very carefully and, I can assure you, I would not have chosen a profile anything likehim.”
“What did the profile say?” Finn asked.
“Powerful CEO—” Astrid began.
“I did put that,” Harold said, almost apologetically. “I did own my own company before I retired, you know. I’m rather proud of that.”
Ambrose was looking green about the gills, but Astrid went on.
“Piercing blue eyes—”
“That could also have been mine,” Harold said.
He pushed his spectacles up and opened his eyes as wide as he could.
“My eyes are very blue. Some people have even said they are lovely, but I don’t know aboutthat. I’m a modest man, really. But perhaps Ididsay piercing.”
“The description said fit and in the prime of his life,” Astrid said, desperately now, her eyes starting to look wildly about the yard as if there was another option.
“I put that as well,” Harold said proudly. “Life doesn’t end at 70, y’know. Why in some ways I feel as young as any buck of 55.”
Astrid screamed.
“Am I to believe your fiancée is carrying my husband’s child?” Millicent cried to Ambrose, brandishing her parasol like she was going to spear her husband. “Harold, of all the worthless imbeciles in this world, you are the most—”
“Mother, that’s enough!” Ambrose said sternly.
She looked as if she’d been popped in the mouth.
“Ambrose, you—dareto talk to me in that manner?”
“Silence, Mother. This is your fault for being so hard on him that he felt he needed to sell his sperm to get any money of his own. I hope this is a lesson to you in the future.”
