five
. . .
AsI layin bed next to Jason, so many thoughts swam through my head..
I was now a woman.
Or was I?
Despite the pain between my legs, a burning, throbbing sensation, I felt something akin to…happy. A lightheartedness, a swelling joy in my heart. But it was more than that. There were so many emotions running through me, so many I couldn’t identify. One thing I knew for sure, though, was that they were because of this boy—thisman—lying beside me, holding me close.
The sensations blooming in my chest were feelings I’d never experienced before, and I wondered if I could hold onto them. If I did, would people know what we’d done? Would my parents and teachers understand that I’d taken a huge step toward adulthood tonight? For now, it seemed as ifmy face was aglow with everything in my heart, and I suspected it was an expression I wouldn’t be able to hide.
As Jason’s blue eyes assessed mine, his face looked so soft, so warm…sweeter than ever. “Do you feel okay?”
“Yeah,” I said, smiling because it had only been a couple of minutes since he’d last asked. “I’m just sore.”
Kissing my forehead, he said, “I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t want to hurt you.”
“I know. But now the hard part’s over with.” Next time would be better.
“Yeah,” he began, his voice even softer than before, “but why the hell does it have to hurt you so bad? Why don’t guys have to go through all that?”
I had no answer for his questions—nor did I suspect he was waiting for answers. He took my slight frown and half shrug to mean I had no idea. And we grew so quiet that, after a while, I was simply focused on the rise and fall of his chest. I really did love this boy with every cell in my body. I remembered what my mom had said last week, her admonition to not get too serious with him…and I doubted things could get anymoreserious with him than they were right at this moment.
His voice finally broke the silence. “I wanted to tell you what the band is planning for after school.”
“After school? Next week, or?—”
“No, after graduation.”
“Oh.”ThisI wanted to hear.After graduationwas a topic we’d tiptoed around a lot. It wasn’t just me; it was both of us. So I propped my head up on my arm to see his face better.
“It’s not a big deal,” he said—but his tone of voice completely belied that statement. “But me and the guys were brainstorming about how to actually make a go of the band. I mean…now that we’ve had a live performance and know people like us, we want to make money doing it. So…we’re thinking about figuring out how to tour next summer.”
Tour?What did that even mean for a small band with no recorded music? Still, it made me wonder enough to repeat the one word echoing in my head. “Tour?” I tried to force a smile, but it likely came up short.
“Yeah. There’s a ton of shit we need to figure out, but we know we need a following. I mean, Pueblo’s cool and all, but we can’t just stay here.”
I didn’t know quite what to say. I didn’t want to say anything discouraging. “I guess so.”
“I just wanted to tell you. Maybe you could come with us—if you’re not working at the shelter next summer.”
Oh, but I would be. My volunteer work would continue until I went to college. And there was no way I was going to tell him my parents’ number one dream for me was Harvard. I wanted to ask if the band was planning to tour in New England.
But I wasn’t going to say any of that. It was all these things, these uncertainties, that kept me from speaking.
Actually, it was thecertaintiesthat kept me silent. Because I knew for certain that I would be going to college and I wouldn’t be doing it in Pueblo. And based on everything Jason had said, I was fairly positive he wasnotplanning to pursue a higher education. If hewere going to try to make something of his band, he wouldn’t stay here. But that didn’t mean we would wind up in the same place. In fact, if the band planned to make their mark by leading a nomadic existence, we—my relationship with Jason—would have even less a chance of surviving. Because if I planned to be home during the summer and chunks of time like Christmas and spring break, there would be no guarantee Jason would be here.
I didn’t see a way to reconcile our two worlds.
I could hear my mother’s voice in my head again:You might not want to get too serious about Jason.At the time, I thought she’d said it because she feared that my boyfriend might be a distraction…but now I wondered if she’d known all along that it would lead to inevitable heartbreak.
Because even if I wound up going to school in Boulder instead of Massachusetts, what difference would it make if Jason were in Texas or California or somewhere else with his band?
So I said the same thing either he or I had always said when faced with the uncertainty of the future: “We’ll figure it out when the time comes.”
But now, more than ever before, I could hear the hollowness of those words—and I rested my head back on Jason’s chest so he couldn’t see the sadness that I knew had to be filling my eyes.
