Russ pointed at me with his index finger. “That. So, while he doesn't know why, he’s smart enough to know he did that. He’ll want to know why.” At my grimace, Russ put his hand on my shoulder. “How would you feel if you triggered someone and they bolted?”
I groaned.
“Now, he’s a bit old for you, but from what I gather, he’s a good man.” He sighed, then murmured very quietly, “Not that I don’t know something about that.”
I wasn’t sure how much my parents knew of his past, but I knew that once upon a time he’d been in love with another man, who he’d loved and lost. I didn’t know the details, I just knew that he’d never fallen in love again, and since this had been before my parents ever bought the ranch, it had been a long damn time.
Russ was one of those old cowboys who was quietly queer. He didn’t advertise it whatsoever; he was the epitome of weathered, capable masculinity. He just happened to be gay, too.
When I’d come out to him, scared as hell of rejection at thirteen, he’d told me my parents had already informed him that I might do that. They’d known about Russ—in general, not specifics—and so maybe they’d thought he’d be a good confidante, given how close we already were at that point.
It was one regret my parents had. Statistically, it seemed improbable that most of their kids were some flavor of queer, while both of them were straight. They’d done their best and we’d turned out pretty damn well. But they’d also always known that they couldn’t quite understand all of us.
“I was already… unfair to him. From the start,” I said after a while of silence.
“You saw Buchanan when you looked at him, didn’t you?”
“I did. I still do, on some level.” I was man enough—and oh how I fucking hated that phrase—to admit as much.
“You can’t put one man’s sins on another, Hawk. That ain’t fair to him, or to you.”
“I know…,” I whined and bonked his bicep with my head.
Chuckling, he lifted a hand to ruffle my hair, except he was really moving my ball cap around a bit instead.
I snorted and took it off, then ran my fingers through my hair before putting the cap back on just so.
“You think there’s somethin’ there? If you get this settled?”
One of the foals decided that we were interesting and began to inch over to the fence, abandoning his friend who had gone to his own private milk bar for a drink.
I carefully put my hand through the fence and rested my forearm on a rung to keep it steady while the baby approached.
“There’s chemistry,” I admitted. “He’s a decent man. I don’t know him on a deeper level, but….” I shrugged. “Time would tell.”
“He’s already Jenn’s favorite. Mike’s too. Just based on what he did for Miranda and that baby. As sad as it is, not everyone would’ve stopped to check.”
“No, I know.” I worried my bottom lip as I kept still for the tiny colt who was trying to lip my fingers. “It’s not that. He’s almost their age, but it never really occurred to me they’d be against anyone any of us got with if they’re a good, decent person.”
“I reckon you’re right about that. They’re good people.”
One of the mares shook herself, likely getting rid of a horse fly, and the colt let out a startled squeak and ran off to his mama.
“I think I need to go find him.”
Russ hummed. “I heard he bought the Rodriquez place in Briarwood.”
I squinted as I tried to think. “That one past the vet clinic and the garage?”
“Yup.”
“Okay. I know how to get there.” I pulled away from the fence and squeezed his arm as I went.
Then another mare shook herself, and Russ snorted. “No. You go. I’ll spray ‘em.”
I rolled my eyes but left him to get his fly spray.
I wasn’t sure why I was going to Carter’s or how it would all end. But I owed him an explanation. Not the full story, we weren’t there yet and might never be. I just knew that if I didn’t give him something, there wouldn’t be a chance to recover from this.
