I blink as I look up, trying to hold in the reins is a losing battle inside of me. Unable to reply, I stumble to my feet and run from the room, ignoring the snickers that follow me.
The doors slam shut behind me, and I keep running until I’ve rounded the corner. Only then do I allow myself to stop and gasp for air, gulping it down hungrily as I wipe the sweat from my clammy forehead.
I hate being here.
I lean against the wall and slide down it. How long until Heaven or Allie begins to question it? How long until these horrible thoughts in my head have to be spoken out loud? Then everyone will know I’m an awful human being.
Everyone will be disappointed. My eyes sting with frustration as I turn and run down the silent hallways. Everyone would be in class; everyone should be. I should be. But I’m not. Because I’m a loser.
Dad… I miss you.
If he were here, I know he’d never judge me. He’d help me. I need you, Dad. I beg, wishing he could hear me and somehow appear.
Tears spill down my cheeks, the fear that I might hurt someone with the power that yearns for destruction once again is drowning me. I could never live with myself if I hurt someone innocent!
I stop before a set of large doors.
The library…
Unknowingly, my feet brought me here.
A place where I feel the safest, where the silence is welcoming, the smell of books pleasant, and the cosiness of just being surrounded by books is all I need.
I push open the doors and step inside, quietly making my way through the large shelves, going deeper and deeper within the library, hoping that no one ever finds me again.
I only stop when even the sun doesn’t reach the shelves, having reached the narrowest, darkest corner of the library and drop to the floor, wrapping my arms around my legs and burying my head in my knees.
I can never get far, because the moment I’m exposed to the storm of others’ emotions, the thing inside of me craves destruction, death and doom.
I’m scared, scared of myself.
Demons & Magic
Sienna
Afew hours have passed, but I don’t really know exactly how long it’s been since I’ve been here. I refuse to leave the library, and no one comes to find me, which is a relief. I’ll get in trouble for skipping classes, but I’ll deal with that later or tomorrow. No one spots me sitting on the floor in the corner of the huge library, and I’m happy with that.
Some students come in through the morning, but it’s a blur. I’m consumed by my thoughts, and they are too busy with their own work and gossip.
The whispers and remarks about what happened during the training session this morning follow them.
If everyone’s talking about it, then that means it must have reached the first years, and that adds a new worry to my mind.
Allie and Heaven know me better than anyone. What if they start to question exactly what is going on? I mean, I didn’t even get a kick in. If either of them witnesses something like that, they will realise something is off, and there’s not a chance of them not noticing. They will, because over the years, we have sparredtogether often enough. And when they question me, I won’t have an answer for them. It’s a matter of when, not if.
When I train with Jaddati or Ahren, I don’t feel like this. I’m able to be calm because they aren’t determined to outdo me – to win. They have no intention of belittling or demeaning me. Their emotions don’t consume me because there is no negativity in their intentions.
Just the thought of my best friends questioning me scares me. I place my forehead against my knees and close my eyes. I need to do something, anything, to help me squash that evil voice, the dark thoughts, the chaos.
Maybe there’s something Mama and Aunty Ri overlooked back then…
More than a year ago
“Are you sure about this?” Aunty Ri asks me, tucking a strand of her glossy hair behind her ear. I look down at the large pentacle that is drawn on the ground with ash. Crystals and candles sit at every corner, the candles casting waving shadows on the crystals. There are runes etched along every line of the star, which had taken Mama and Aunty Ri hours to draw out.
It’s powerful magic. I can feel it, hear the whispers of witches at the place between life and death, the power drawing them here. This is a powerful binding spell. One to bind the uncontrollable power within me. They don’t know about the thoughts that accompany it, they don’t need to know those. This just needs to work.
“I’m sure!” I answer quickly. I want this power gone.
