“It isn’t really about me. I want my kids to have a father.”
“So you’re going back to him.”
“No! No, I’m not. I’d never do that to myself again.” Thebuthung thick in the air for seconds, minutes, like she really was intent on prolonging Warren’s suffering. “But I have to give him a chance to be a decent dad.”
She didn’thaveto give that bastard anything, but the protest stuck on his tongue.Not my choice, not my fucking business. Still, a drip of bitterness escaped. “So the first time was just a test run, eh? I didn’t know that was how parenting worked.”
“He struggled with a lot of things, back then. He seems to be doing better now. Getting himself sorted out.”
Warren’s lip twisted in disgust. He couldn’t believe she was defending him. He doubted he knew even half of what she’d gone through because of him, and yet she could sit here and find excuses. Tell Warren, who tried and tried andtriedto bea good man, that the shitebag who’d abandoned them deserved the benefit of the doubt.
God, what had he ever been thinking, letting himself dream about a life with a woman like her? Too complicated, too fucking honourable to ever put herself first.
Yet he couldn’t regret it. Not after the other day. Not after he’d feasted on her over and over, and she’d kissed his scars like they were beautiful instead of grotesque proof of the moment he’d lost everything.
At his expression, Eiley’s features hardened to something unrecognisable. “I’m sure it’s very easy to sit there and judge me, as someone who doesn’t have kids. You’ve probably never even had a serious relationship. You live in a van, for god’s sake! You don’t get to decide if he’s a decent father when you’re not even close to being one yourself!”
Warren worked his jaw, trying to keep the truth buried down. She didn’t want to hear it, didn’t want to see him as anything more than – what was it? Asleazy jobsworth?
No, he thought, standing up. If she was going to end this, she’d do it knowing him for real. Not all of him, but at least most. “I’m living in my van because it’s the only way I can afford to build that house you saw yesterday.” His voice was low, sour. “Because, despite what you think, Iwantto have a family one day. I want to be a husband and a father. And when that day comes, I’ll be ready. I’ll want it all, and I’ll never fuck it up. And believe me, I’d do a much better fucking job of it thanhim.”
He clambered to his feet, wondering how she had managed to leave him so blisteringly exposed. He was sosickof her seeing him as something he wasn’t.
Eiley blinked up at him, at a loss. “Warren …”
“And since we’re back to trying to hurt each other,” he continued, the venom spewing out now, “I’ll tell you what you already know: you’re making a mistake. You deserve better than that tosser, and so do your kids. You talk about failing them?Thisis failing them. No good man would abandon his family the way he did. But I guess I don’t know anything about that, aye? I’m just an insignificant shagger who lives in a van.”
She hopped to her feet to argue, but he wasn’t done. He leaned in, his touch feather-light over the strained hinge of her jaw. He saw the muscles leap there, proof that somewhere, deep down, her body was linked to his. “And I bet he’s never touched you the way I have, has he? He can’t have done. You acted as though you’d never felt anything like it before. Like you’d never had someone between your thighs, paying attention, wanting to make you feel so fucking good you can’t think straight.”
Her eyes flared, and she stepped back with new, devastating repulsion. He probably deserved it.
“It isn’t anything to do with that. What we did the other day hasnoimpact on my decision.Youhave no impact on my decision!”
“Aye, that much is clear.” Defeat rang in his ears. There was nothing left to say, no more ways of making her see what was right in front of her. “Good luck with it all, Eiley. I truly hope for the kids’ sakes that he doesn’t fuck it all up.”
She scoffed. “Just get out. Don’tfuckingcome back.”
Warren paused.
Eiley didn’t swear. She got angry, said things that peeled away his own patience, but she didn’tcuss.
Was that how much she despised him? How much she truly meant it?
His nod was stiff with finality. He stormed towards the door, braving one last look when he clutched the doorknob. She didn’t deign to catch his eye, her glare set on the shiny new floorboards.
Fine. If this was what she wanted, he’d run out of reasons to change her mind.
28
“See! We made it in one piece!” Harper praised as Eiley hopped out of the van, disrupting the car park’s muddy gravel. It was a beautiful day to savour the last day of half-term – for the kids, at least. Eiley would have preferred more gloom so that she could enjoy her current read, a vampire horror, with the right atmosphere, but the sun glistened over a kaleidoscope of bright, rustling trees, painting Phoebe’s Pumpkin Patch and the surrounding sunflower fields golden.
It might have been the first time she’d smiled in the last few days, pride welling in her. After a stay in the local garage, the book bus was up and running. One benefit of recent turmoil was that Eiley had been in desperate need of the distraction, to the point where she’d jumped straight back into the driver’s seat. She’d been sensible enough to ask Harper to accompany her this time, as well as Brook, who had been begging to visit the farm. Since they’d be spending Halloween in Glasgow next weekend, she wanted to make sure they got to carve some pumpkins and cram in their usual traditions.
“I don’t know what you were so worried about. Piece of cake,” Eiley joked, rounding the van to open up the backdoors. The small space inside was decorated with shelves of books on every wall, made cosy by a red rug that served as a path in and out. She wasn’t expecting many customers, but it was better than stewing in her sadness at home. “Bed-rotting” was what Harper called it. Since her fight with Warren, she’d been stuck replaying all the things she’d said wrong. And the thingshe’dsaid wrong. And also eating a lot of cheese and watching a lot of TV shows, but that was Harper’s influence.
“How many pumpkins are we allowed to take home, Mum?” Brook asked, shielding his eyes from the bright rays with an impatient shuffle.
“As many as we can fit in the van, surely!” Harper took his hand, twirling him under her arm. He laughed excitedly, though of course, Eiley couldn’t affordthatmany pumpkins. She certainly didn’t have the patience to carve so many, either. Usually, the kids got bored halfway through and she ended up picking up the slack, carving until her fingers ached.
