Would he forgive himself if he didn’t at least try?
29
Subject: New job opening?
From: Harper Clegg
To: Chris Bailey
Chris,
I would certainly be interested in interviewing for the new position. Thank you for thinking of me. Let me know what date/time suits you.
Best,
Harper
Harper closed her laptop before she could regret sending the email. She was doing this. Fraser had made it quite clear that there was no reason to stay – not that she’d expected one.
Not even for a minute.
All right, perhaps a part of her had been hoping he would at least show a little bit of sadness. An “I’ll miss you, Harp,” or “Is thisreallywhat you want?” Instead,he’d seemed painfully eager to cart her off to the train station.
Tears rolled down her face as she sat back in her chair, tracing the neat, curved corners of her desk. Had she misread him? Fine, they’d agreed that this was only a holiday fling, but he’d made her a bloody writing corner with her name on it. He’d carved a fairy from wood for her. She’d thought maybe that meant something.
She’d got her silly hopes up, like a naive little girl who still believed in fairy tales. This was her problem. It would always be her problem. She wanted more than anybody else could give her. She expected happy endings where they didn’t exist. She saw kindness and mistook it for love because she was too desperate to have it.
Choking on a sob, Harper pushed herself away from the desk. She couldn’t remember the cabin ever being this quiet before. Not even the owl kept her company tonight.
It was early. Almost five o’clock in the morning. She hadn’t been able to sleep, so she’d hammered nonsensical words into her manuscript all night, desperate to finish at least something properly before she left. She’d wanted to prove to herself that she could be more than one thing. That if Fraser didn’t want her, it didn’t mean she wasn’t still worth something.
Of course, she’d done a terrible job and would likely delete it all when she was in the right headspace.
Huffing, she decided to calm her noisy brain down with some fresh air. Outside, the moon was a silver smudge in the cloudy indigo sky. The earth smelled fresh and clean, but relief lasted only seconds. After that, her eyes caught on the chopping block.The memories they’d made there resurfaced, from the first time she’d seen Fraser cutting wood, to the feeling of him inside her, making her feel fuller, more wanted than she ever had before.
“Fuck off,” she snapped at the block, marching away from the cabin. She couldn’t be here, not when he was so engrained in everything around her. It was his fault she was in this mess. If she hadn’t fallen for him, her decision would have been simple. Easy. She would have gone back to Manchester as planned, and that would be that.
Leaves crunched underfoot as she trudged through the woods in her slipper boots. She didn’t know where she was going. The café wouldn’t be open for hours, and the loch carried just as many memories of him.
But then his words echoed in her head.
I’m just saying, when I want to sort my head out, the loch does the trick. It’s like a natural reset button for the body.
A reset was exactly what Harper needed, especially for her body, which was still all… achy and Fraser-obsessed. She didn’t want her skin to feel like his anymore. She needed to wash him away, wash away all the things holding her back from just getting on with her life.
A fine, chilly mist lingered over the water’s surface. The café was nothing more than a silhouette ahead of her, and she could vaguely make out the black dot of Captain Angus’s docked boat beyond the reflected moonlight. She let out a deep breath, already feeling better for being out in the open. Free. She pushed away memories of Fraser daring her to dip her toe in. This wasn’t about him.
“I’mthe main character!” she shouted into the air defiantly. It didn’t feel true, but it was nice to hear the words bouncing off the trees. “Or at least, I’m supposed to be!”
One day, she thought, she might be. She’d thought Belbarrow had been important because it was where she’d found Fraser, but there were other things she’d discovered here. The ability to hike up a small mountain without passing out. Confirmation that she was good with kids, and mums, and demanding B&B owners. A story that might not be finished yet, but had still been fun to write.
She’d found out here that she wasn’t just one thing. She wasn’t just a heartbroken, pathetic woman running away from her problems. She was a writer, a creative, a helper, a friend. She was sexy and silly and shy and confident.Hehadn’t made her those things. He’d just brought them out in her.
Roughly, she slid off her clothes. The cold pinched her skin instantly, like claws. She shivered. Thought about going back. But she wasn’t that person anymore, either. She didn’t back down from difficult things.
She peeled off her leggings and stepped into the water.
Fraser knocked on the door of the cabin, his jaw tender from grinding his teeth all night. He wasn’t willing to leave things with Harper like this, so much so that as soon as dawn had showed signs of breaking, he’d rushed to his car, unable to wait a moment longer. He wasn’t even sure what to say. That he cared for her? She surely already knew that.That he was sad she was leaving? That wouldn’t make the leaving part any easier for either of them.
