“Look at you. Every day, you live the same life. You get up, go to work, help a friend or one of us, go to bed.”
“There’s nothing wrong with a routine. You get up and go to work, too. And you’re welcome, for the helping thing, by the way!”
“I didn’t get a wife and two children byonlygoing to work, or by avoiding change!” Cam said. “I worked hard for it. I put time and effort into it. I took a chance, even when I was fucking terrified.”
He leaned back in his chair impatiently, unable to hold back his sneer. “And that makes you a love guru? Come off it, Cam.”
“It makes me not alone!”
He recoiled; the insult felt like a slap.Alone?
“Okay, now that’s enough,” Mum interjected with a cautious arm between them. “Your brother isn’t alone, and there’s nothing wrong with choosing not to be in love.”
“No, there isn’t. But he isn’t choosing that, Mum, because he’s alreadyinlove. What he’s choosing is to let it pass him by because he’s scared.”
“Scared!” He let out a hollow laugh, but it only made his ribs ache more.
Scared. Was that what he was? What he’d always been?
The colour drained from his face as he realised that perhaps he was. He’d been holding back on Harper since the beginning. He’d avoided dating and had swiftly put an end to past relationships before the other party could do it first.
No. No, he refused to live in a world where his harsh, know-it-all sister actuallydidknow it all. “I’m not in love with Harper,” he said. “We haven’t even known each other that long.”
“Like that has anything to do with it.” Cam blew her thick fringe from her eyes.
Mum looked sadly between them. She hated when they fought. She’d never told them, but Fraser suspected it was because their house had once been an echo chamber of fighting, and his dad, with the loudest voice and the sharpest tongue, always won.
Fraser would rather live the rest of his life in the same routine than ever risk being dragged into something so volatile. So what if things with Harper had been good? They wouldn’t be forever. People fought and they broke up. They hurt each other.They left. It was better to end on a high note than risk a sour one.
“Fraser… I think your sister is trying to say that, if you like this woman as much as you seem to, maybe you shouldn’t just let her go,” Mum said.
He opened his mouth to argue, but she cut in quickly. “You thought you were doing right by her. I know, love. But she might have wanted more. She might have wanted to at least know if you wanted her to stay, even if you couldn’t ask her to. She might have wanted to figure out a way to keep you both: the job and you. It sounds like you didn’t offer her that.”
A dull ache pounded behind his eyes. Was she right? Had he been so quick to support her that he hadn’t even noticed perhaps she’d needed more?Deservedmore?
It didn’t matter, not really. He couldn’t give Harper an answer. He wanted her to stay, but the world didn’t work that way. Things changed. Fraser just wanted to maintain enough stability to carry on. To survive. It was easier to do that without her, even if it meant more suffering in the short run.
“There isn’t a way to do that. She has her life and I have mine.” He sounded hoarse. Close to tears. Felt it, too, like somebody had scrubbed him down with sandpaper, leaving his skin shredded and raw.
“No. That was how it was before, when you didn’t know her,” Mum said. “That girl helped you chase a dream we didn’t even know you had. Your lives aren’t separate at all.” She shifted and pursed her lips. “And they probably never will be again,no matter what you do. You don’t just untangle yourself from the people you love. Even if you want to.”
She was talking about Dad. It still lingered with her.Hestill lingered. Fraser felt it, when they were sitting down at the table and one of the chairs was empty, or when he went into the attic and found a box of Dad’s things he’d never come back to collect.
Even now, he could smell Harper on his scarf. Her perfume, her skin, that fruity lip gloss she wore and the caramel coffee she’d been drinking earlier that day.
What if he couldn’t wash it away?
What if he would be stuck here, thinking of her, forever?
When he thought of his future, it suddenly felt like a black hole – or perhaps it had for a while. He’d never dared imagine a partner or a family of his own, though he’d always wanted it. His life revolved around the same work he did every day. Like that old redwood tree by the loch that never seemed to change, not even in punishing winds and rain. It had been there for far longer than he’d been alive. The landscape wouldn’t be the same without it.
He’d thought he was meant to be like that: stationary, evergreen.
Harper had changed that.
“I can see common sense creeping back into his eyes,” Cam whispered. “Well done, Mum.”
It wasn’t common sense. It was panic: that he’d done the wrong thing, that everything had changed. That he was in love with a woman who wouldn’t be easy to keep.
