The thought of what it might mean for her own life had terrified Eden, but not as much as what she might be responsible for if she left. Looking back now it was easy to see she’d been manipulated and that it had never been her responsibility to save Jesse, because the only one who could ever really do that was him. Back then she’d been so deeply entrenched in his problems and the trauma of his past that she couldn’t see what was going on. She’d had her father holding their family together and keeping a roof over their heads. Even though her mother’s drinking had taken a huge toll on all of them, it couldn’t compare to what Jesse and Sadie had experienced. They hadn’t had any stable parental influence and it was almost as if Eden had survivor’s guilt, because she’d always had one parent to rely on, at least to an extent. Her mental health hadn’t spiralled in the way Jesse’s had, so shehadto stay and try to save him from himself, despite how much she longed to leave. It wouldn’t have made any sense to an outsider looking in, but he’d been so skilled at twisting her reality that she’d forgotten she had a choice.
The reasons she’d stayed with Jesse for so long were very different to those she suspected had kept Isabel with Michael, but just like her patient, Eden hadn’t been able to see a way out either. Now she was free of Jesse, she had no intention of getting involved with anyone again. And it wasn’t just herself she needed to protect; Teddie was her number one priority and she couldn’t imagine letting anyone into her little boy’s life. She’d seen how some people reacted to Teddie’s stimming, and how little understanding there was of ASD. The last time she’d picked him up from nursery, she’d had a row with a man in the car park, who’d taken exception to Teddie reaching out and brushing a hand along the side of his car. It was part of the sensory stimulation Teddie enjoyed, and he often reached out and touched everything from hedgerows to fence panels. The only time he willingly walked any kind of distance was when he had the opportunity to trail his hand against a surface.
The reaction of people like the man in the car park was part of the reason why she’d turned down an invitation to go out for drinks with Dean, one of the paramedics. She’d never been the sort of person to want to date casually and she couldn’t imagine it leading anywhere, not with Teddie to consider. There were so many aspects of his behaviour that people judged and felt they had the right to comment on. If she got into a relationship with someone, there was a good chance that person would think they had the right to intervene, which could cause Teddie distress. She couldn’t risk bringing anyone into her son’s life who didn’t understand him, something his own father hadn’t even done. It might mean she was going to be on her own for a very long time, possibly even forever, but her relationship with Jesse meant she was fine with that, because she didn’t want to risk making that kind of mistake again either.
‘How was he today?’ Eden asked his key worker, when she arrived at nursery to pick him up. As she scooped Teddie into her arms, he gave her one of his famous smiles and her spirits immediately lifted, thoughts of her difficult shift with Michael and Isabel already beginning to fade.
‘He was a little bit emotional after his grandma dropped him off, but he soon settled down. He’s been doing more parallel play recently, which is a really positive development in preparation for when he starts school.’ Shannon had a great way of drawing out the positives, but Eden hated even thinking about Teddie having to make the transition to somewhere new.
‘That’s great, thanks for today.’ She smiled at Shannon, as Teddie tightened his grip on her. It was his way of saying he was glad she was there. The strength of his embrace was another sensory reaction, but those hugs were Eden’s favourite thing in the world.
Teddie was getting really heavy and, as they crossed the car park, Eden decided to see whether today was a walking day or not. Putting him down, she kept a tight hold of one hand and he immediately reached out with the other to trail his fingers along the door of a car that was within touching distance.
‘Come on, bubs.’ She tried to pull him away by tugging gently on his hand, not wanting a repeat of what had happened the last time. The thought of someone shouting at Teddie made her frightened of whatshemight be capable of. But he was resisting her attempts to pull him away and, when she looked up, she realised it was already too late. There was a man watching them, his keys in his hand and his expression unreadable.
‘It’s okay, he’s not doing anything to your car.’ Eden’s tone was sharp, but she couldn’t help going on the defensive, as she waited for him to shout that she shouldn’t be letting Teddie touch his precious car, just like the other man had done. Except this time it was different, the expression of the man holding his keys relaxed into a smile and it transformed his whole face. He suddenly looked warm and friendly, instead of austere and foreboding. He had warm brown eyes that crinkled in the corners, and reddish-brown hair that looked as if he spent a lot of time running his hands through it.
‘Don’t worry about it, I just didn’t want to startle him by pressing the unlock button on my keyring, so I was just waiting until he’d finished.’ The man had a gentle tone, with the hint of an accent that she thought might be Scottish, but she couldn’t be sure. ‘My only concern is how dirty his hands might get. I’m not exactly one of those people who washes their car every Sunday afternoon.’
‘Thank God for that, or you’d probably be a lot more uptight about things.’ Eden returned his smile, just as Teddie decided to join in the conversation in his own inimitable way.
‘Gay! Gay! Gay!’ He shouted his favourite sound, which had no link to the word it sounded so much like. The speech therapist had suggested that Teddie might be trying to form the word ‘okay’, but it was certainly effective in getting people’s attention, and Eden just hoped it had never inadvertently caused anyone upset.
‘Sorry, he isn’t directing that at you.’
‘It wouldn’t bother me if he was.’ The man was still smiling, but heat rushed up Eden’s neck.
‘I know, I wasn’t suggesting that there was anything wrong with being called gay, it’s just that…’ She was tying herself up in knots, with no idea how to finish the sentence. The man standing in front of her probably had her pegged as both homophobicanda terrible parent. She knew for certain she wasn’t the former, and she hoped with every fibre of her being that she wasn’t the latter either, but it was a question she asked herself every single day.
‘I know you weren’t.’ He really had the kindest eyes, and some of the tension eased from Eden’s shoulders. ‘I work at the hospital too, I think I’ve seen you at the shop. Oh God, now I’m panicking about saying the wrong thing, and wondering if I’ve just made myself sound like a stalker. I promise I’m not.’
She laughed. ‘I’m glad I’m not the only one incapable of holding a normal conversation. Shall we start again? I’m Eden, I work in A&E, and so, yes, you’ll definitely have seen me at the hospital shop. Caffeine and chocolate are the only things that get me through a shift some days.’
‘I’m Drew. Drew Redford. I work in pathology and Gwen knows my order without me having to say a word, because it’s always the same. The shop seems to be the heart of the hospital, especially with her running it.’
‘Now you come to mention it, I think I have seen you before.’ Eden tried not to stare too much. There was definitely something familiar about him, a feeling that she already knew him somehow, but she was certain she didn’t. Maybe it was just that she’d seen him around, or maybe he looked like a celebrity she couldn’t quite put her finger on yet. Either way she felt weirdly at ease with this complete stranger, something that didn’t happen very often, especially not since she’d been back home.
‘I’ve got one of those faces. I tend to blend into the background.’ Drew was selling himself short. He was a good-looking man and once upon a time, before Jesse had come into her life, Eden might even have been forward enough to suggest they meet for coffee one day. There were four bistro-style tables outside the shop, which had made it a bit of a hub for staff meet ups, and it was the only place in the hospital where you could get a decent coffee-shop-style latte. But she wouldn’t be suggesting that. What Jesse had put her through put paid to any interest she might once have had in Drew, no matter how nice he seemed. Instead she just smiled again.
‘Sorry, I really will try to prise my son away from your car in a minute. Teddie just likes sensory things, and running his hand along the side of cars in particular seems to be his latest obsession.’
‘I hope you don’t mind me asking.’ Drew looked suddenly uncomfortable, and then he shook his head. ‘No, sorry, it doesn’t matter.’
‘Were you going to ask if Teddie has autism?’
‘Yes, but I know it’s none of my business. It’s just that I have ASD, well I was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome originally, but now they call it high-functioning autism. They’re all just labels, though, aren’t they? It’s just that I recognised some of the sensory things I used to do as a kid.’
‘You’ve got ASD?’ Eden furrowed her brow as Drew nodded. The hardest thing about Teddie’s diagnosis was not knowing how it would affect his development. ASD was such a broad spectrum, and she’d already come to terms with the fact that her little boy might be what was called a ‘forever baby’, a child who would never be able to live independently. But because he didn’t have any intellectual disabilities, there was a chance that he might eventually learn to speak and hit all of the milestones that a neurotypical child would already have met, which meant he might one day have a job and be able to live on his own. There was no way of knowing what he’d be like in a year’s time, or five, or ten, but the thing that scared her most was the idea that she might one day no longer be around to protect him. She didn’t know any adults with autism, at least she hadn’t until she met Drew. It would be good to talk to someone who had some insight into ASD, even if it turned out Drew and Teddie were on opposite ends of the spectrum. There were support groups, but her shifts made it hard to commit to attending them on a regular basis, and the meet ups she’d gone to had only made her more fearful. Comparing Teddie to other children with autism had strengthened her concerns for his future, rather than calming them. But that direct comparison wouldn’t be there with Drew. It was time to be brave.
‘I don’t suppose you…’ She hesitated, thoughts of Jesse suddenly filling her head and she was struck by how easy it had been to get herself into a situation she couldn’t get out of. Just the memory of how easily Jesse had taken over her life made her wary. He’d taken away her ability to trust her own instincts and the belief that anyone would want to spend time with her without some kind of hidden agenda. But this was for Teddie, and she wasn’t going to let his father take this away from her too. ‘I don’t suppose you’d ever fancy meeting up for a coffee, would you? I don’t know any adults with ASD, and I’d love to hear what support worked best for you when you were growing up, and what you wished your parents had done to help that maybe they didn’t. I’m on my own with Teddie, so it’s all on me to get things right for him.’
For a moment he didn’t respond and she was worried that she’d said something to overstep the mark. She had no idea of Drew’s family background, he might have been raised in care for all she knew, and here she was – a perfect stranger – asking him deeply personal questions. It had been a stupid idea, and she was about to offer a profuse apology when he nodded.
‘I’d like that.’ He handed her a card with his name, contact details and job title on it.
‘This says you’re a forensic pathologist; I thought you worked at the hospital.’ Suddenly she had a vision of him in a hazmat suit, standing by a white tent in an area cordoned off from the public.
‘I do, but part of the role involves carrying out postmortems for the coroner’s office, and I’m also registered to work alongside the police on suspicious deaths. Sometimes that’s at the hospital, and sometimes it’s elsewhere, but I’m here most of the time. Definitely often enough to meet up for coffee.’
