“What happened? Where have you been? Where did you go?” She kept coming forward, looking at her like she knew that Lexi was crumbling from the inside out becauseMaisieknew her, knew who she was, who she’d been. Will only had a small window of knowing her as a frame of reference. He liked her spirit and drive but she wasn’t the kind of woman he needed.
“Lexi.” Maisie put her arms around her, pulled her into a hug. “What happened?”
Tears fell but words didn’t come. She’d done this to herself. She’d let herself believe she could be part of a world she didn’t belong in. Will thought he knew her, thought helovedher, but he’d only had a little snapshot of her life, ofher.
Things had been going so well in the last few weeks it was easy to believe they’d just carry on that way, but Lexi knew better. When things fell apart again, he’d see that she wasn’t a woman on an upward trajectory. Her mother wouldn’t sell this house, she’d always be missing part of herself, which meant Lexi would always have to care for her in some way.
“Come on. Let’s get you out of this dress.”
Gwen was asleep in her bed, a small victory. Lexi changed into sweats and a sweater, then curled up on the couch while Maisie made her some tea.
“What the hell happened?” Maisie handed her the mug. Lexi wrapped both of her hands around it, letting the warmth seep into her skin.
“He said he loved me. He wanted it to be real. Us, the engagement. Forever.”
Maisie groaned. “Lexi.”
“What?” she snapped, sipping the tea, letting the burn sting her tongue.
“You love him back.”
Setting the tea down, Lexi looked toward the hallway then back at her friend. “It doesn’t matter how I feel. I don’t want to be her, barely able to make it from one day to the next because I tied everything I was,whoI am, into one person to the point that I literally cannot exist without them. I’m never going to be a socialite or a high-society, country-clubbing Page Six woman. I couldn’t even be a waitress, forGod’s sake. I lied to people who used to be my best friends. To my mom. I took the easy way. Didn’t push her. Didn’t leave the Dress Hut. Didn’t finish my degree. I took the path of least resistance because I’m too much of a coward to face hard truths. Jesus Christ. I already am her.” She flopped her head back against the cushion. “And Will deserves better.”
“Better than what, Alexandria?” Her mother’s quiet words came from the hallway. She stood there in a pair of flannel pajamas, wringing her hands together. “Better than a woman who was lucky enough to know, accept, and give love? One who got to have over twenty years beside the person who knew her best?”
Lexi swore under her breath. “Mom.” She started to get up but Gwen came farther into the room, stood at the end of the couch.
“I lost him but I wouldn’t trade having him for anything. I’m sorry you think I’m broken and I’m sorry you think being broken is a bad thing. Everything we do, choose, and feel shapes us, Lexi. You’ve been so worried about me for years because I don’t want to leave the house, socialize, go to places where he and I used to go. But I’m okay with all of those choices. I don’tneedyou to take care of me or put your life on hold for me. You do it and I let you so yeah, I guess we’ve both taken the easy route. But I didn’t when it came to your dad. Loving him wasn’t the easy route. Marrying him wasn’tthe path of least resistance. The things that are worth it in life rarely are. You can blame me for not wanting to move forward with Will and let him accept you for who you are but the truth is, you’re scared.”
Lexi stood up. “Yes! I’m scared. I don’t want to lose a chunk of my soul or my heart. There’s not that much left to lose! Don’t forget that you lostDad. But I lost him andyou. The best parts of you died with him and I’ve been standing here all alone.”
Gwen’s hand flew to her mouth as she sucked in a breath. Tears filled her eyes. Maisie stood up, pulled Gwen into her side.
Her friend’s voice was calm when she spoke. “It’s late. Let’s not say anything else that is going to be hard to take back.”
“Mom.” Lexi had no idea what to follow that up with.
Before Gwen could say anything, Maisie turned her by the shoulders and led her back to her room. Lexi sank into the couch, pulled her knees up, and rested her head on them.
She felt the couch dip with Maisie’s weight, felt her hand on her shoulder. “You’re not alone, you idiot.”
Lexi snorted, lifted her head. “Comforting.”
“The only person who isn’t okay with who you are, who you’ve become, is you. I don’t know how you can look at yourself and think you’re not good enough for Will. That he’s better than you or that Jackie and Becca are. No one’s life is perfect, Lex. We don’t fit into neat little boxes with no overlap. Instead of comparing yourself with the eighteen-year-old version of you, look for the pieces of her that are still in you, fighting every single day in every area of your life. You’re not a track star anymore but you are stillher. You keep thinking because you don’t have awards or accolades, and your career hasn’t taken off the way you planned by this age, you should hide that.”
“Everyone else has their shit together, Maisie.”
Maisie laughed. “According towho? I mean, Will asked you to pretend because he couldn’t have a firm conversation with his mother about staying out of his dating life. I’m working out of a closet in my apartment that I turned into an office. So you couldn’t waitress. So what? You took longer to get your degree. Life wasn’t a straight path. So fucking what? Look at you. You’re stronger than ever. The eighteen-year-old you couldn’t have faced the shit you’ve gone through in the last three years. You’ve held yourself and your mother together. You don’t give yourself any credit. You didn’t lose the house when your father would have. You made sure every one of his employees were paid out properly, taking the debt on yourself and working out apayment plan with the bank. Will isn’t blind. He seesyou.Better than you see yourself. You don’t like country clubs but neither does he and he grew up in them. He sees the fierce determination and loyalty you apply to every area of your life. Maybe you’re the one who doesn’t see him. You’re not just selling yourself short; you’ve done the same to him.”
Lexi had no words. She felt like all of the dishes she’d ever dropped, smashed, and shattered on the ground, needing to be swept up. Maisie leaned her head on Lexi’s shoulder. Lexi let her head fall against Maisie’s.
She’d lost her dad and pieces of her mother. She’d lost her scholarship, her chance at the future the eighteen-year-old Lexi had planned. Those things were beyond her control. But this loss?Will.She might have no one to blame for that loss other than herself.
Thirty-eight
Will looked out the window at the November sky, dark and gray. That’s how he felt inside. Lexi wouldn’t return his calls or his texts. It’d been three days. Ethan said she was working, doing all of the things she’d promised, but wouldn’t discuss anything personal. Said she was being polite and professional in an almost robotic fashion.
“Hey,” Kyra said. She walked into his office with a bit of hesitation, not her usual bouncy self.
