The night before, as she’d slept in his arms, he kept imagining saying goodbye, and it had felt like there was an elephant holding a piano sitting on his chest. He didn’t know why the elephant was holding a piano, but he also didn’t know why the first time he’d felt this way, it had to be for a woman he couldn’t have, so who the hell was he to question it?
“Hiding won’t change how you feel,” Grayson’s voice said from behind him.
Beckett didn’t turn. He kept staring into the distance like somehow it would heal him.
“What are you doing up here?”
“The guests came back two hours ago. Ollie would kill me if I left you up here to die. I don’t have time to be dead, so I thought I’d better check.”
He felt his brother’s presence beside him and it eased a little weight off his chest.
“I’m alive.” Just didn’t feel like it.
“Feels like you’re on the brink though, right? Like a painful almost-death.”
Beckett turned his head. “A little bit. Is this how you felt when Lana left?”
Grayson tipped his head side to side. “Not entirely. It’s how I would have felt if she’d gone while I was in the beginning of falling on my ass for her. By the time it was over, I felt hurt and sad but also a little relief because I knew it couldn’t keep going. It was harder to be together than apart.”
“So, it’s a good thing I got out now.” There. He did feel better. Yeah. Sure. It hurt, but damn, how much would it suck to have this moment five, ten years from now after building a life together?
“You’re an idiot.” Grayson punched him in the arm.
Beckett shoved him. “What’s that supposed to mean?” He turned to face his brother, too many feelings boiling inside of him, ready to overflow and leave a mark.
“It’s not code, man. You. Are. An. Idiot.”
“You think it’d be better if I declared myself only to have her say ‘thanks and see ya’? Or maybe we figure something out. Both fall in love and then five years from now, we realize we were stupid to think we could make it work and I’m you, living with regret on an island I didn’t want?”
The surprise in Grayson’s expression almost covered the hurt. Almost.
“I’m sorry. Listen, this is why I stayed up here. I’m not fit to be around humans right now.”
“I don’t regret my marriage.” His brother’s words were below a whisper, like he’d just admitted the sentiment to himself for the first time.
“How is that possible? She tore your heart and your life apart.”
He nodded, turning to stare out at the view like Beckett had. “She did. It sucked. I always thought when I got married, it’d be the real, forever deal, like Mom and Dad. It’s what I wanted. Even when she didn’t, I kept fighting for us. But there were moments that I’ll never forget, moments that made me a better version of myself. Things I like about myself now that only exist because of her.” He laughed without humor, ran a hand through his hair. “Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of things I don’t miss about her. And you’re right, I didn’t want this place, but it brought me back to you and Jilly. Ollie. It reminded me a bit of who I am and who I thought I’d be. As much as I loved Lana, as much as it hurt to have it all fall apart, I wouldn’t take it back. I can honestly say, I hope she’s happy.”
Beckett didn’t know what to say to all of that. They’d done the brotherly thing, gotten stupid drunk when the divorce papers were signed. His brother had been so angry. Broken. Which was why it mattered so much to make the lodge a success. Working on it, working toward something had rebuilt his brother. Rebuilt all of them, really. Seeing it come together not only made him more certain about his own career goals, it made him sure of what he’d wanted: to stay in Smile. He’d have been miserable managing, even part-owning, a second store for Brian. He wanted something that was his own. But now that he was getting it, everything felt empty. It made him wonder what the point of it all was.
“Just happy? You don’t hope, even just a little, that she moved next door to a punk rock band that practices, badly, at all hours of the night?”
Grayson laughed, a hearty, real laugh that carried through the air. “Dude, that’s the best you could come up with?”
Beckett shrugged. “You loved her. I didn’t want to be a total dick.”
“That ship sailed when you let Presley leave without a goodbye.”
Fuck. Direct hit, center chest. The shot pierced him, stuck there like a sharpened arrow digging into his heart, making pain radiate from the center outward.
He buried his face in his hands, scrubbed them up and down, letting out a harsh groan.
When he looked up again, he gave his brother the truth. “I couldn’t stand to watch her leave.”
Grayson slapped his shoulder. Hard. “On some level, I get that. But you still should have been there.”
“I know. Did everything go okay?” he asked after a while of just standing side by side, staring out at the water.
