Another movie ends and still no Zayn.
I say fuck it and call him. Even though I have a feeling he won’t answer. I don’t want to be let down, so with each ring I don’t get my hopes until it goes to voicemail.
I set my phone down and the soft hum of the TV is the only sound that fills the entire house. Even though there is so much distance between us, I still want to hear from him. I keep scrolling through Netflix like it’ll somehow make time pass faster, so he’ll be home. Every movie I watch, my mind keeps circling back to him.
His distance.
His absence tonight.
Each time I glance at the clock, I question where he is, what he’s doing, and why he’s not here with me, even if things are falling apart.
The unease in my stomach grows the later it gets. My eyes flicker to my phone every second, like that is going to somehow magically make him call or text me. He’s not going to. So, why do I still worry? At least when he went out last week, he told me.
I drag my fingers through my hair, feeling restless. I head for the bedroom and lie in the dark, hoping that will help me fall asleep. As soon as I rest my head on my pillow, the sound of a door shutting echoes to the room. The uneasiness I felt all night settles a little knowing he’s at least home and not doing God knows what.
He proved that the smell of his shirt was from my perfume. With everything going on, I can’t help but feel he might have been with someone else tonight.
Again. My gut tells me one thing; my heart tells me another.
I wait here in the dark, waiting for the bedroom door to open and see him walk through the door. It feels like it’s been forever since he got home. Maybe he has drunk munchies. Usually, I can see some light shine through the crack of the door from downstairs. Right now, there is no light. I’m sure he wouldn’t have any consideration right now to eat in the dark in case the light woke me.
A sharp, aching hurt pulses through my body as the reality sinks in that he chose to sleep away from me. It shouldn’t surprise me, not after how distant he’s been all week, but it still cuts deeper than I expected. The space between us feels heavier than ever. I keep replaying every moment in my head, wondering what pushed him so far away from me. But honestly, I’m tired of guessing. I’m tired of feeling like my husband is a stranger. Now, he can’t even stand to sleep next to me. The thought makes my chest tighten, and I can’t help but wonder if there is more to this distance that I’m just not seeing.
I forgot about the sound bath event that Ashley wanted me to do with her. She invited me to join the sound bath free of charge since I’m handing out samples of sourdough bread. But honestly, If I hadn’t already told her I would do this, I wouldn’t have even come.
With all this stress and lack of sleep, I’m not in the mood to be around people. Especially today, on a Sunday after not talking to Zay the entire week prior and then him going out all weekend. I feel like I can’t catch a breath, and my body is in autopilot mode. The sound bath would have been the perfect thing to do with all my stress. But I couldn’t bring myself to be around people longer than I already have to tonight.
I came to set up while everyone was attending the event. The Pilates studio is an open room, but the hot yoga and hot mat Pilates is in an enclosed room to keep the heat in, so everyone is in that room right now. They moved the reformers to the side of the walls, giving the place a more open space. There are a couple of tables set up. One of them has the nutritionist stuff on it. I’m assuming she’s in the sound bath. I set my stuff on the other empty table and set up.
I place the platter of bread on the table, and I arrange butter, honey butter, and blackberry jam spread I bought from a local farm next to it. I lay napkins and small plates off to the side. I open the box of plastic knifes and place one in each spread. Lastly, I place a pile of my business cards off to the side.
The sound of voices fill the room. I sit on the side, waiting to see what is happening first. Ashley said that they were going to have the nutritionist do her own little spiel on healthy eating. But right away, a couple of girls come up to my table, looking over the bread.
I stand up with a fake smile on my face. They help themselves to a slice of bread and then take a few steps back while the nutritionist talks.
Thank God, because I don’t want to talk. As bad as it sounds to say that as a business owner, I just can’t seem to get myself out of this funk.
I keep rerunning this entire weekend through my mind. It dragged out as if it would never end. I felt as if I had to walk on eggshells throughout my house. Then at night, I was anxious as hell until Zayn got home. At least during the week, I know he’s at work. Like that makes it any better. He could do something at work, but I guess knowing it’s harder since he has to be at the shop makes me feel a little better.
An hour later, everyone is trickling out of the studio. Thankfully, I didn’t have to talk much. At the most, I said hi as I watched everyone come and get a slice of bread throughout the talk the nutritionist was doing.
“Hey, Violet,” Ashley says as she grabs a slice of bread.
“Hi,” I mumble.
She grabs the honey butter and spreads it all over her slice. “This turned out so good,” she says and takes a bite.
“Yeah. It did.”
I knew Ashley would approach me at the end of the event. I tried to prepare myself for it. But no matter how much I prepared, I still feel like breaking down with every word that leaves my mouth. Why do these tears choose to come out now, when I spent the entire weekend at home feeling numb and nothing came out? Yet here I am, surrounded by people. Everything I’ve been holding in decides to hit me all at once.
“Thank you for bringing your bread. It looks like it was a hit,” she says, glancing over the table at the almost empty platter. “I hope this helps with your business. Did people take your card?”
I nod slightly. “Yeah, some did.”
I’m trying to keep the conversation going, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to find the words. All I can manage are short answers. My mind is racing with thoughts I can’t say out loud, and the more I try to push them down, the harder it becomes to speak. I know I’m coming off cold, but I can’t help it.
She pivots, looking around, saying bye to the last of the girls leaving. I grab my tote bag and start picking up. Ashley walks away and says bye to the nutritionist. All I can think is, why am I the last to leave? I wanted to be the first to leave. It’s giving Ashely more of a chance to talk to me. I should stop being a crappy bitch, anyway. She looked out for me and wanted me to join this event with her to help with my business.
