“Me too,” I reply, “and it’s been lovely talking to you, as well. I didn’t expect to learn any new bird facts today. I’m Molly, by the way.”
She shakes the hand I offer. “Zara. Nice to meet you.”
She gets up, stuffing her gloved hands into the pockets of her long coat. When she’s a few metres down the street, she turns back around to face me.
“Hey, Molly?”
“Yeah?” I call.
“I put them up in broad daylight. I just wear a construction vest, and nobody bats an eye. Most people don’t pay attention like you. Keep on...defying expectations, okay?”
I’m too stunned to say anything as she laughs that silvery laugh again and continues on down the street. I realize what my subconscious was trying to tell me; it figured out who she was as soon as she started talking about the hummingbird.
I sit there for a long time, watching people pass under the street sign across the road without ever looking up. My body gets colder with each passing minute, but inside, my heart is beginning to thaw. I had to let it freeze over before I could walk away from JP. I had to shut off all the fears and doubts and longing in order to convince myself I was doing the right thing, but now they swell in my ears.
He asked me to be his friend, and I left him alone in a hotel. He asked me to wait for him, and I walked out. The guilt and the dread are like a double slap across the face. I thought that I was making the right choice, that I had to give him the push of me leaving, but what if all I did was abandon him when he needed me most?
The realization goes down with a chaser of outrage. He abandoned me first. He tried to back out of something there’s no going back from. I opened myself to him, and when it really counted, all he did was shut me out. He doesn’t trust me, and he doesn’t trust himself. I know he has it in him to do both those things, but he might never realize it.
I thought that when I left today, he’d eventually find the courage to follow, even if it took him awhile, but he might not be coming after me at all.
The sun has sunk low enough that it’s blocked by a building, plunging the street into shadow and making me feel even colder than I already am. I get up and grab my suitcase, hurrying the rest of the way home. When I finally make it back to my place, Stéphanie isn’t home. I boil some water for tea—mostly just so I can hold the mug to warm my hands, and then I fire up my laptop, sending a video call request off to Justine.
She answers after a few rings, even though the call is unexpected.
“Hey,” I say, once her pixelated face pops up on the screen.
She blinks at me a few times. “What happened?”
Between all my work with Metro and her crazy prep for exams, we haven’t had much of a chance to talk lately. She doesn’t even know about the job offer. It takes me awhile to get her filled in on everything that’s happened since the Sherbrooke Station concert. I almost break my vow to keep the tears from falling a few times, but I make it to the end with shaky breaths and dry eyes.
“I don’t know what to do,” I admit. “I don’t know what happens next.”
“You keep going,” she says firmly. “You’re on a fucking role, Molly Myers, and as hard as it is, you did the right thing today when you walked away. If he’s not willing to try, you can’t force him. You have to keep building yourself into the best person you can be, and hope that maybe one day he catches up.”
“But I miss him,” I whisper, so quietly I don’t know if my microphone picks it up. “It’s only been a few hours, and I miss him so much.”
Justine’s face softens. “I know.”
My darkest, weakest fear spills out. “He helped me become this new, brave person. What if I can’t be that person without him?”
“Um, Molly.” She stares at me for the length of her dramatic pause. “He got you a job interview. That’s it. Actually, he didn’t even get you an interview; he found the artworkyoumade that got you a job interview. This process you’ve been going through lately isn’t because of him. You’ve always been brave. Hell, you moved all the way to Montreal even when you were so shy you could barely buy yourself a metro ticket. You’re just finding more ways to let that bravery show now, and noboyis enough to be responsible for your courage. It’s all you.”
Deep down, I know she’s right. I always knew. It still makes me feel better to hear her say it out loud, though.
“Thank you, Justine, Queen of the Scene.”
She adjusts an imaginary crown on her head.
“I’m scared to take the job,” I admit. “Even putting aside the apocalypse it’s going to cause with my mother, if things with JP stay like this...I mean, he’s there all the time. I’ll work on stuff for his band. I told him I didn’t want to see him again. It will be so awkward—”
“Molly,” Justine growls.
I take a deep breath, bringing the train of thought to a halt.
Defy expectations.
I set my jaw. “Okay, you’re right. Somebody else can feel awkward for a change.”
