Megan
In front of your coworkers??
Me
WHILE BEING SAVAGE
Megan
Capital S?
Me
ALL THE CAPITALS
Megan
That’s your entire office gossip sorted for the year. You’re going to need a new job.
Me
Already updating my LinkedIn.
UPDATE (12:12 a.m.): The bartender just sent our table a round of drinks. When I asked why, she just pointed to where Savage and his mates were sitting and said, “Protection perks.”
UPDATE (12:26 a.m.): Karen has started a spreadsheet titled “Reasons Why Our Dev Lead Should Date a Biker.” This is possibly the most unauthorised use of Excel in company history.
UPDATE (12:45 a.m.): Karen’s spreadsheet now includes a “Danger to Hotness Ratio” column with subcategories for:
- Protective instinct indicators
- Public intimidation efficiency
- Voice command effectiveness
- Leather jacket aesthetic impact
- “That Look” intensity metrics
P.S. To the guy who got escorted out: thanks for the show, I guess? But also, maybe don’t be that guy.
P.P.S. Is it wrong that watching someone handle a situation with terrifying efficiency is kind of hot? It’s wrong, right? I should probably talk to someone about that. Not Brad. Never Brad. I can already hear his “fascinating correlation between perceived danger and attraction” analysis.
Comments: Still Disabled
Share: Only if you want me to explain to HR why I’m trending on social media with the hashtag #ValleyVigilante
THE FIVE STAGES OF POST-VALLEY REGRET (OR: WHY KAREN SHOULD BE BANNED FROM EXCEL)
Posted by Anonymous at 10:24 a.m.
March 22
Things I don’t need on a Saturday morning:
1. This hangover
2. The group chat notifications from work
