“You can’t,” Rhys said, clapping him on the shoulder. “So you better figure it out quickly or you may lose her, even if she is your wife.”
Deirdre stared down at the map of the English court not really seeing it, but it saved her from having to meet Reikart’s gaze. She stole glances when he’d come into the great hall with his brother by his side. She wanted to go to him and tend his wounds, but she curled her hands into fists against the desire and stayed still. His battered face would heal, but she was unsure his heart ever would.
How could she have been so blind to the real truth? She’d thought she was fighting a ghost, trying to find room in his heart for her, but she was fighting him and his need to punish himself. Last night had given her such hope, but his words today snatched all that hope away. Even if Reikart had not been in love with Amanda when she had died, he had loved her once, and the guilt he harbored over her death might always keep him from being able to love Deirdre. She had thought she could live with that, she had told him she could, but she didn’t want to settle, having tasted the passion between them, having laid in his arms, having glimpsed his heart and what it was capable of.
As she stood there, conversations and plans going on around her, she made a decision that felt like plunging a knife into her gut, but she was determined to see it through. If by the time they secured the cross and brought it safely back to Lochlavine, Reikart had not shown any signs of softening to her, of ever being able to let her in, she would not go with him. She would stay in this time alone and start over. She would miss her sister terribly, but she could not go through time and be with Reikart for the rest of her life and never be loved by the man who had stolen her heart. Because that’s what he’d done last night. He’d taken her heart along with her innocence.
“So,” Alastair said, “I think it imperative we leave tonight since we know where Algien is, and presumably, he still has the cross with him. He could go anywhere once he leaves Court, and with Shona’s husband so ill—”
“Are you all right with that?”
Deirdre didn’t realize Reikart was directing the question to her until he touched her arm. She tensed against the wave of warm emotion his mere touch caused her as she looked up and met his gaze. He frowned and, after a moment’s hesitation, pulled his hand from her arm. “Aye,” she said. “The sooner we can obtain the cross, the better.”
Preparing to travel had not taken long, but the goodbyes were another thing. Rhys, Reikart, Dermot, and Alastair stood huddled in one area of the courtyard with the horses, while Deirdre stood with Maggie, Shona, and Grace near the door to the castle where the wind was not so strong.
“Be safe.” Maggie hugged Deirdre tightly before leaning in and whispering, “do nae give up on him yet.”
“Nae yet,” Deirdre promised.
Grace hugged Deirdre next and pressed a tiny leather pouch into Deirdre’s hand. “Put these herbs on his face to speed up the healing. It will be easier when ye arrive at the English court if Reikart does nae look like he was brawling. Questions always raise curiosity, and there will be enough of that with his short hair and all.”
Deirdre nodded, her mind wandering for a moment to the plan they had made. They would enter the castle together, and Deirdre would claim to have sought out safety with the McCaims, who had lands in England as well as Scotland. Therefore, it would seem as if they had allegiances that could be swayed toward King Edward if the promise of land and coin were involved. They only needed to be at court long enough for her to find Algien, and if he did not have the cross on him, which she doubted he would, slip into his room and steal it.
Deirdre closed her hand over the pouch Grace gave her, noticing that Grace, Maggie, and Shona exchanged a look, and then Grace and Maggie departed back into the castle, leaving Deirdre standing with Shona.
Shona slid her arm around Deirdre’s shoulders. “I don’t want ye to stay in this time, but I’ll understand if ye feel you need to.”
“I think I love him,” Deirdre whispered. “How can that be? I have nae known him long enough to love him.” She looked across the courtyard to where Alastair was already mounting his horse. He was going to travel to court with them and await them in the village in case they needed to escape. Then they’d all ride back to Lochlavine together.
Reikart stopped talking to Rhys and looked toward her, as if he had sensed her looking at him. When Shona squeezed Deirdre’s shoulder, she looked away from Reikart and into his mother’s different-colored eyes.
“What is time in the face of love?” Shona asked. “I was in love with Reikart’s father a day after I met him. And after a week, I hardly knew where he ended and I began. I’ve also known people who were together for years only to realize they were not in love. The heart doesn’t care for time, Deirdre. If it did, then Reikart’s heart would have already set him free from the burden he carries. I know ye want to give up on him. God knows his words probably hurt ye and scared ye. But I think if ye push him, even if ye have to make him see ye are willing to lose him if he won’t hold tight to ye, he’ll break the chains he’s wrapped around himself, and then all ye will have is time to be in love.”
“The sheets,” Deirdre whispered, thinking she suddenly understood what Shona had done.
Shona nodded and smiled. “Aye, the sheets. Ye can have your freedom, and he needs to understand that so he will break away from his guilt not to lose ye. When ye have the cross, if ye think ye feel ye need to, tell him then that ye won’t go through time with him, that ye will be just fine without him.”
“I had thought to do just that.”
“I suspected it might come to that. Ye are very brave, Deirdre.” With that, Shona kissed her on the cheek and walked away and into the castle.
Deirdre didn’t even have to start toward Reikart because he came to her, guiding the horses they would ride. “Dee, I don’t know what to say. I’m—”
“Struggling,” she finished for him, and the surprised expression on his face told her that she was correct. “I know.” She smiled inwardly because she truly did understand him. She knew him. She knew he wanted to apologize but also felt awkward doing so, as he was wrestling with himself, his feelings for her, and his guilt. Shona had been right. What was time in the face of love? Where Reikart ended, Deirdre began. Now if she could only make him see that.
She swallowed the knot in her throat. Her gut told her to be as honest as possible. “I know I said I could live with ye nae being able to give me more, but I’m nae sure I can now.”
Wariness covered his face. “What’s changed?” he asked, his tone low and taut.
“Me,” she said simply. Her heart pounded, and she took a deep breath. “I’ve fallen in love with ye.”
His mouth parted, and he shoved his hand through his hair. If a heart could truly break, hers was shattering. An ache strummed through her.
“Dee, I don’t want to lose you, but I’m…I’m still trying to figure it out.”
“I know,” she said, calling on all the strength she possessed not to cry. “Let’s find the cross, and then we’ll see what our future holds.”
Chapter Twenty
