“Why not?” Rhys demanded, stepping closer to Reikart and swallowing the space between them.
Reikart didn’t want to talk. He didn’t want to feel. He pushed past Rhys, only to have his brother grab his arm and swing him around. “Let. Me. Go,” he snarled, shoving Rhys in the chest while yanking on his arm.
“I’ll let you go once you say it.”
Reikart frowned. “Say what?” he demanded.
“What you’re afraid of.”
He knew. It was in his head loud as hell, but he wasn’t going to say it aloud. “I’m afraid I’m about to punch you in the face,” he spit out, his gaze locking with Rhys’s.
“Go for it. If it makes you face what’s ruining your life, punch me. But I’m warning you, I’ll hit back.”
The desire to hit and get hit, to obliterate the thoughts pounding in his skull, was so strong that Reikart felt his muscles twitching.
“You afraid to hit me?” Rhys taunted. “I never thought you’d turn out so scared.”
“Shut up, Rhys,” Reikart snapped, squeezing his eyes shut, trying to gain some control before he and his brother ended up in a brawl.
“Afraid to let go of your guilt, afraid to let go of her… You won’t freaking forget her, you know.”
Rhys hit Reikart’s fear on the head, and he snapped his control in the process. He sent his free fist straight into his brother’s nose with a satisfied crunch. Rhys’s head went flying back, but his brother had been hit before. Rhys was a damn good boxer, and he came back with two punches to Reikart’s eye and gut. Swift and painful. All the air left Reikart for a moment, and he doubled over, gasping for one breath.
“Face it,” Rhys said. “She’s dead. No amount of guilt you harbor will bring her back or erase the fact that you aren’t sure you still loved her the day she died.”
Reikart sprang up with a roar, and he barreled into Rhys, driving them both backward to crash over a chair. They fell to the ground, knocking over a table as they went. Something shattered against the floor as they rolled around punching each other. Reikart took a hit on the chin and square in the mouth, and he got Rhys in the eye and in the gut.
He was rearing back to punch him again when the door banged open, and he froze midair. “Stop acting like idiots!” their mom yelled.
They shoved off each other to stand. He glared at Rhys. “You look like hell.” And he did. His eye was already swelling shut, and blood dripped from his nose and cracked lip.
“You look like crap yourself,” Rhys snapped.
“Boys,” their mom chided, and they both turned to her. Reikart stilled, seeing Deirdre there, looking appalled and sad.
“Shit,” Rhys swore softly under his breath.
Yeah. Shit.
Reikart stepped toward Deirdre, but she held her palm up and shook her head, her eyes glistening as if she might cry. Had she heard what he’d said? One look at his mom’s stormy face told him they’d both heard. “Deirdre, I—”
“Yer uncles said we should come find the both of ye.” Her voice was cool and calm, yet her gaze turned hard. She’d heard him, and he had hurt her. It was the last damn thing he’d wanted to ever do. She bit her lip and then continued. “They want to talk about the plan once I retrieve the cross and what to do if Algien discovers it’s gone before we are. Ye should both clean up and meet us in the great hall.” She turned on her heel and left him standing there.
Silence stretched after her departure, and he stood there at war with himself. Part of him wanted to run after her and part of him wondered if this wasn’t for the best.
“Oh, Reikart,” his mom finally said, breaking the silence. She shook her head, and he felt all of five years old. “Ye are breaking my heart—and Deirdre’s and your own.” With that, his mom followed Deirdre’s lead and turned to leave him standing there with Rhys.
They didn’t move for a long time, neither speaking nor looking at each other. Finally, Rhys cleared his throat. “What do you have to lose if you just try to let Deirdre in and see if you can still hold on to your memories of Amanda? Not the guilt, Reik, just the memories. If you can’t, then reassess the situation, but if you can—”
“I never told you that I was worried I didn’t love her anymore,” Reikart said, turning to face his brother.
“You didn’t need to tell me, bro. I know you.”
Christ.Reikart sucked in a sharp breath. “If you saw it, do you think she did?”
Rhys shook his head. “No. And now I’m going to tell you something I should have said then, when she was alive, and when I thought it. She didn’t know you. She didn’t want to really know you, Reik. I don’t think she even knew who she was, really. She just wanted you to take care of her and lead her because she was so lost.”
“Shit.” Reikart raked his hand through his hair in frustration. “What am I going to do? I can’t exactly apologize to Deirdre for everything she just heard and say I didn’t mean it, because that’s not totally true. But I don’t want to lose her, either,” he said, admitting what had been nagging him since they’d slept together the night before. He wanted her in his life, but could he let her in totally? “How can I ask this woman to put up with my shit until I figure it out?”
