‘We are retired and can do whatever we want. It’s not like we can’t afford to stay, is it? I can send Dad back to check on the house and maybe get some bits and bobs. He’s a big boy and I’m sure he’ll manage by himself. I’d like to stay, Billie. I want to look after you and Iris.’
‘Is that code for keeping an eye on me and taking control?’
‘No Billie, it’s code for I love you. Look, I know we have our differences but just this once let’s try to get on. Let’s agree that you won’t push me away and I won’t boss you about. How’s that for a deal?’
Billie turned to face her mum who was smiling, a hopeful look on her face, which Billie managed to return. Just. ‘Okay, it’s a deal. It’ll be nice to have you here for Christmas… not that I have any idea how they celebrate, but let’s give it a go. But you need to remind Dad, or I will, that he has to keep quiet about Iris. I mean it, Mum, nobody is to know. Otherwise our Debbie will spread it all over Facebook and then Stan is bound to find out. I can’t deal with him being on my case. Or Sue. I know it’s wrong but right now I don’t care. I really don’t care.’
‘It’s okay, love. I understand, I really do. Right, I think this one is ready for a sleep so I’ll put her down then go and find that husband of mine. Will you be okay for an hour or so?’
Billie nodded and turned back to the window, listening to the rain pattering against the glass and her mum muttering nonsense to Iris. As she took in the scene, Billie saw it in hues of blue. Not the true-to-life white buildings and rooftops, or a November grey sky dotted with moody black clouds and a strip of rain-blackened beach to the right, touching the dull green sea that stretched to the horizon. It was turning blue, like the mood that was enveloping her, numbing her senses, smothering her emotions. Even when she looked at her beautiful baby swaddled in a pink, flowery blanket, the colours were fading which was the real reason she’d accepted her mum’s help and also, why she’d called Marissa that morning. Billie knew she was in trouble and needed more than assistance with nappy changing and bottle feeds. And it was all because of him. Stan.
* * *
Thanks to the prescription from nice Doctor Apostolu, and counselling sessions with one of Nicos’s cousins twice removed, along with an incredible amount of patience and understanding on everyone’s part, Billie began to make progress. By early January Claudia and Mike recognised that it was time to go and went home, safe in the knowledge that Marissa was on hand.
Month by month Billie improved. Iris got stronger and the fear of everything, infection, relapse, triggers, began to loosen its grip. And as Billie healed and started to feel again, her perspective gradually changed. She mellowed and could work things through in her mind.
What had happened wasn’t all Stan’s fault. Some of it maybe, the actual break-up for sure. But getting pregnant was down to her. She’d taken responsibility for contraception, not Stan. And after a talking to the midwife, she understood that it was her body, nature perhaps, that was to blame for what happened with Iris, not a man thousands of miles away, a man who had a child, a father.
Ironically, Billie was slowly coming around to the inevitable when her mum rang to tell her in the gentlest way possible, especially for Claudia, that Stan had been found guilty and sentenced to six years in prison. This time, instead of falling apart, Billie coped.
She knew that one day – but at a time of her choosing – she would have to tell Stan, Sue and the world about Iris. Until she was ready and had decided how and when, she was staying put. Billie also didn’t allow her brain time to worry about how you would tell a child her daddy was in prison, that her daddy was a rapist. This too would be solved in her own time.
Billie continued to heal, Iris grew stronger too. She genuinely thought that Stan had forgotten all about her, that her silence and lack of support and contact had sealed the deal. This notion suited her down to the ground.
It was the arrival of a brown bubble envelope bearing her dad’s handwriting and containing a huge bar of Dairy Milk and a letter that flipped Billie’s world and stomach in the space of minutes. She read Stan’s letter seven, eight, maybe nine times and everything she’d thought and believed, her resolutions and resolve, immediately dissolved like a sandcastle washed away by the sea.
It was time to go home and face the music. Stan had reached out, explained, begged almost. He needed Billie and even if she couldn’t help him in a practical way, she could at least give him a chance and some moral support. Most of all she could give him the truth, his daughter, and something to carry on for. It wouldn’t be easy but compared to being in prison, what Billie had to face was negligible.
Claudia had a fit when she told her she was coming home and why. Marissa cried but said she understood. Iris slept through the entire flight unlike Billie who spent every minute preparing to face her mother, rehearsing her lines over and over, but most of all, thinking about Stan.
13
Sue and Darren had listened in silence to Billie’s explanation and now Iris was beginning to nod off, she feared that they were waiting, not wanting little ears to be privy to recriminations. She was wrong.
‘Look, I understand if you are annoyed with me, I expect it, to be honest, but all I can do is tell you the truth. It’s not an excuse. It’s just fact and as I’ve said, if I could turn the clock back I would and I am sorry that it’s taken till now to face up to things. But I was so ill, and Iris too, so I hope you can forgive me.’ Billie stroked her daughter’s forehead and focused on her mouth which was open slightly, her dummy about to tumble out.
Sue spoke first. ‘Billie, love, there is nothing to apologise for, really there isn’t. Dear me, it sounds like you’ve been through the mill and what, with being so far away from home and knowing what a mess things were here, no wonder you went to pieces.’
Billie relaxed slightly. ‘You don’t know how much that means to me, Sue. I want Iris to be part of your lives and for you to spend as much time as you can spare with her. Here, do you want another cuddle while she’s asleep?’
Billie stood and took a few steps towards Sue, passing sleeping Iris into her arms. Once she was seated, Darren spoke up. ‘But what about Stan? I get all the reasons you stayed away but he needs to know about Iris. You have to tell him as soon as possible.’
There was an edge to Darren’s voice and Billie sensed he was still slightly mistrustful and felt he should speak on behalf of his brother.
‘I agree, Darren, and I plan to tell him straight away, I’m just not sure how to go about it so I thought I’d ask you and Sue. How do I do it? What’s the best and kindest way? Because he’s going to be as shocked as you were earlier.’ Billie hoped she’d defused what sounded like mild anger, a hint of accusation in Darren’s voice by throwing the problem back to him, see if he had any bright ideas.
‘Can’t you tell him when you go in to visit him?’
‘I thought of that but since actually seeing what it’s like, I don’t think that a hall full of prisoners is the right place to give him such massive news, and a phone call is just as bad. I don’t know, it’s seems cowardly and feels wrong. Imagine being stood by a phone box with a queue behind you and hearing that you have a daughter.’
Sue spoke next. ‘You should write him a letter and put photos inside. He can read it in his room and have time to process all the information, and you can explain it all like you have to us. It will be a shock but a lovely one and it will give him something positive to focus on.’
‘That’s what I was thinking, about a letter, but as for being positive, it’s worried me for ages that it will make everything worse, you know, missing out on Iris growing up. I’m scared it might drive him mad.’
Darren sounded equally as cautious. ‘Billie’s right, Mum. Knowing he’s got a baby will freak him out because he can’t see her and by the time he’s out she will be three, that’s if he does only serve half his sentence.’
‘Well there’s no way we can lie, I know I couldn’t. How can we keep this from him? I can’t sit opposite him in that place and lie, and you wouldn’t either, Darren. Whether it makes things worse or not, he has to be told.’
