“What happened to change how you feel?”
“Asher happened.” I shrug a shoulder as if it’s no big deal when, in fact, it’s everything. “I didn’t expect him. He snuck up on me, and even when I tried to shove him away, he just stuck.”
“The best ones do,” my mom says, looking at my dad with love shining in her eyes. For the first time in my life, I understand that look.
“I didn’t make it easy for him.” I laugh a little, thinking of the last month or so. “But no matter what I said or did, he just rolled with it. He’s…” I pause, thinking of the right word to describe Asher. “Solid. He’s solid. And he makes me feel safe. Like I can tell him anything, show him any part of myself and he’ll love it no matter what. I mean, he saw me sitting on the floor having a panic attack over a mistake I made with one of my clients and he just sat right down, got me through it, and then asked me if I wanted to take a road trip with him.”
“You had a panic attack?” My mom’s gaze sharpens, fixes directly on me like she used to do when I was a teenager and did something stupid. It’s theI know everything there is to know about you so don’t you dare even bother lying to melook.
Shit.
“Yeah. The thing is, I have pretty bad anxiety, actually. Like, all the time. It’s why I work so much and why my house looks like a museum and why my closet is organized by color and none of my clothes are comfortable. I’ve always thought that if I look perfect on the outside and do everything right, then maybe no one will realize I’m mostly a mess on the inside. But it turns out when you meet someone who sees you all the way through, you can’t hide any part of yourself. And when that person seems to like what they see, it makes you wonder why you bothered hiding it all for so long in the first place. That’s part of what I talked to Ben about, and I told Hallie and the girls about it this morning.”
“How did that make you feel?” asks my dad.
“Free. It made me feel free. Like maybe I’m the most myself that I have ever been, and I like this version of me. I haven’t said anything to Asher yet about this, but I also think I’m going to look for a therapist. Someone who has experience working with high achieving professionals with anxiety because they try to be perfect and control everything all the time. There seem to be a lot of us. I think it could be helpful to talk to someone.”
My mom stands up from her chair then, walking around the table to stand behind me and put her arms around me, holding tight. “Julie Parker, there is nothing in this world you could achieve or accomplish that would make me prouder of you than I am right now. I’m so sorry that I didn’t see how much you were struggling, and I hope you won’t hide it from me anymore. But I think, maybe, everything worked out the way it was supposed to.”
“I think maybe you’re right. And I do. Love him I mean. It happened so fast it still gives me whiplash, but I don’t have a single doubt that he is it for me. He makes me feel everything. And thinking about him just down the street, in pain over the end of a career he hoped would last at least a few years longer, is making me want to burn the world down for him.”
My mom sniffles, and when I crane my neck to look at her, she has tears in her eyes dangerously close to spilling over.
“Um, why are you crying?”
My mom swats me on the back of the head. “I’m entitled to a few tears when my only daughter tells me she’s in love. Especially since the man she’s in love with is one I’m happy to have in my family.” She sits down in the chair next to me so I’m sandwiched between my parents.
“You know your dad and I would have loved anyone you and your brother brought home. But it’s an extraordinary thing to also like the people your children choose as their partners. I’m happy for both of you, and I’m feeling smug about myparenting skills right now since obviously I had to have done something right for you both to have found such excellent people to settle down with.”
I give my mom a look. “Didn’t we just finish a conversation about how you didn’t realize I’ve been an anxious mess for all of my adult life?”
My mom just shrugs. “Seems to have served you well enough, and you’re working through it now, aren’t you?”
I just laugh because she’s definitely not wrong. Again.
“Seriously, Jules, for what it’s worth, I think you’re doing the right thing now for Asher. Part of being a good partner is knowing when your person needs something you can’t provide and helping them find it. You sending Jeremy over there is doing exactly that for Asher. Jer has been where Asher is now and can give him a perspective you can’t. Help him get over the shock of it all and understand what comes next. Asher will come find you when he’s ready.”
“I know he will.” And I do. I still feel the low-level anxiety that comes with the unknown of this whole experience. But if there’s one thing I’m confident in, it’s that Asher won’t stay away for long. And when he comes back, I’ll be ready to give him whatever support he needs. The oven timer dings, and my dad jumps up from his seat.
“Now that we’re all done spilling our guts, should we eat dinner?” my dad asks, slipping on my mom’s neon pink oven mitts to take the lasagna out of the oven.
“God, yes. I’m starving,” I say, getting up and opening a cabinet to take out plates to set the table.
“Excellent,” my mom says, leaning back in her chair and letting my dad and me get dinner to the table. “And while we eat, you can tell us more about your road trip. I think last night you left off at the world’s biggest taco and somethingabout you kicking Asher’s ass at skee-ball. And I’m going to need to hear all about the four sisters because that is a lot of sisters.”
“You have no idea,” I laugh. “I love them all.”
My dad sets the lasagna on the table, and, confident that Asher is getting what he needs right now, and feeling lighter than I have all night, I sit down with my parents and tell them everything.
Chapter Forty-Four
Asher
The knock on the door startles me out of my misery.
I’m sitting on the sunroom couch, laying back against the cushions. The ice in the Dr. Pepper Julie brought me when she was here has long since melted, and the cup now sits in a puddle of condensation that’s probably ruining my coffee table but I can’t make myself care. Every time I turn my head, I catch Julie’s scent from where she was leaning back against the cushions next to me, compounding my misery.
I shouldn’t have asked her for space. Space from her is the last thing I want right now, but I also didn’t want her to be around for whatever was going to happen tonight. It occurred to me when she walked through the door earlier that the worst thing has never happened to me before and now that it has, I have no idea how to react. I’m angry and sad and so many other things I can’t name, and I don’t know how to feel all of this at once. Especially the anger. I’m never angry. Every time I opened my mouth, I had no idea what would come out, and that scared the shit out of me. I would die before I hurt her, so I asked her to leave when what I really want more than anythingis for her to be here right now. I want her and her arms around me and her plans and her spreadsheets and her organized brain to counteract my chaos.
