“The worst kind of bad news. He has been having some pretty bad shoulder pain since the hit he took in that last playoff game. He got evaluated today, and I think the scan was pretty much as bad as it gets. He has very advanced arthritis in his throwing shoulder, and the long and short of it is that his playing days are over. He didn’t say the word retirement to me, but I assume that’s where this is headed.”
My dad frowns, his eyes radiating sympathy. “I’m sorry to hear that. This must be devastating for him.”
“It is. I know he just got the news a few hours ago, but I could already see the grief all over him.”
“So why are you here talking to us and not over there giving him the support he obviously needs right now?” Leave it to my mom to cut right to the heart of the matter.
I take a deep breath and blow it out. “He wanted to be alone. I was there long enough for him to tell me what happened. He was devastated but wouldn’t let himself break down. At least not yet, and not in front of me. And he didn’t want to talk about what happens next. He needed some space, and I gave it to him. So here I am.”
My mom eyes me consideringly. “And do you think being alone is what he really wants?”
“I don’t. But I don’t think I’m what he needs. I think he needs someone who understands what he’s going through. So, I called Jeremy. He’s on his way over to Asher’s now.”
“Good.” My mom reaches across the table and pats my hand.
“He said he wanted to protect me from whatever it was going to look like when he breaks down. He’s a happy guy and one of the kindest people I know. I don’t think he could ever not be that, even when the worst happens, but I didn’t want to give him anything more to be worried about. I want to help him get through it.”
“You love him.” Like when Asher’s mom and Molly said it, the words are matter of fact. A statement, not a question.
“What, are all my feelings just painted right on my face? Asher’s mom and Molly said the exact same thing. Besides, you knew that already.”
“I didn’t know that. I know he told me last night that he loves you, but you didn’t say anything. But I know now. It’s written all over you, Jules. I’ve never seen you talk this way about anyone. I always wondered who your match would be. I’m glad it’s him. He’s perfect for you.”
“Why do you say that?” I know he is, but I’m curious why my mom thinks so. If she sees what I see.
“He sees you, honey, straight through to that very big heart of yours that you don’t let show nearly often enough. He knew last night you needed to talk to Ben, and he offered to help in the kitchen and then happily baked a cake with me to give you the time you needed. And then started over when I forgot how much flour I added and had to toss the first one.” She gives me a sly grin.
“You did that on purpose.” I point at my mom, putting the pieces together pretty quickly.
“Of course I did. That cake takes fifteen minutes, tops, to get into the oven, and you needed more time than that to spill your guts to Ben about how hard it’s been on you since he and Hallie got together.”
“You knew?”
Of course she knew.
“Of course I knew. Like I told Ben last summer, I know everything that goes on with my children.”
“How come you never said anything?”
My mom sighs, reaching across the table and taking my hand. “It’s hard sometimes, as a parent, to know when to intervene with your children and when to let them work things outon their own. With you, I found that to be an even bigger challenge. Ever since you were a kid, you have always been so sure of yourself, Jules. So sure of your path, and what you wanted. You made your plans and you stuck to them and you rarely wavered. When you came across an obstacle, you found a way to work it out or shove through it until you got to the other side, and you were almost always successful. When you were eight, there was a group of boys who wouldn’t let you and Hallie play on the swings at the park. You came to the park the very next day with a written schedule and a stopwatch so you could time everyone’s turns on the swings and damned if those boys didn’t listen to you. That’s how it always was with you. You solved your own problems and everyone else’s too.”
She stops then and takes a deep breath, looking more uncertain than I have ever seen her before. “I sometimes wonder if maybe I did you a disservice by not intervening more. If by letting you solve all your own problems, it made you feel like you couldn’t ask for help when you needed it. Watching you these past six months has made me sure of it. You never know, as a parent, whether you’re making the right decisions at the time, and sometimes you only figure it out years later. I’m sorry for that, Jules. I should have done it differently.”
Emotion clogs my throat as I listen to my mom explain this to me, because it’s the truth and also not. My mind drifts to Asher helping me through a panic attack on my office floor because of an obstacle I very much did not have a handle on.
I turn my hand over under my mom’s, linking our fingers together. My dad sits silently, watching us, letting us have this moment. It occurs to me for the first time how much Asher is like my dad and like Ben. Good men who have a sixth sense about when to speak up and when to sit back. Who have a way of offering their quiet support just bybeing present.
“It’s not your fault, Mom. The older I got, the better I got at pretending all I wanted was to handle everything on my own. And to some extent, I did want to handle things on my own. It was hard for me to tell you if I was struggling. I wanted you both to be proud of me.”
My dad does speak up then. “Julie, I’m going to tell you the same thing that I told Ben when he came to me last summer about that deal he turned down. All your mom and I have ever wanted for you both was to find something that made you happy. You have achieved some incredible things, but as long as you’re happy, we’re proud. We have been proud of you every single day of your life just because you exist and you’re ours. You are a good person, Jules. A good daughter, a caring sister, the best friend that anyone could ask for. We would never, ever think less of you because you ask for help. We want you to come to us when you need it. That’s what we’re here for. Parenting doesn’t stop because you and Ben are adults. We’ll always be here to help.”
“Thanks, Dad,” I say, my voice a little thick, tears pricking at the back of my eyes. I decide since I’m in this deep, I might as well get it all out.
“The past six months have been really hard for me. Ever since Hallie and Ben got together, I’ve felt kind of lost. Like maybe I don’t have a place with them anymore now that they’re building a life together. The way they love each other is so enormous and consuming, and for a while, I felt like maybe that love didn’t leave any room for me.”
“But you don’t feel that way anymore?” My mom looks at me appraisingly, like she knows what I’m about to say before I say it. And let’s be honest, she probably does.
“I don’t.”
