All four of my sisters start to cackle with laughter, which sets my mom off, and it’s exactly what I needed to lighten the mood, even when the laughing wakes up all three babies, who immediately start crying. After a quick shuffleof babies and diapers and bottles, everyone is settled back into their seats. My dad, who has been unnervingly quiet, starts talking.
“Ash, I’m proud of you for coming to us. We’re always on your side, no matter what. But you know the injections have to stop, right? From a medical standpoint, the side effects of using these kinds of drugs long-term can be very harmful. And with you constantly masking your pain and never getting evaluated, you have no idea what’s actually going on with your shoulder. I am the last person who would ever want to take away something that has given you so much joy, but it's time to see a doctor, on the books, so that you can understand what you’re really facing.”
I look down for a beat before whispering, “I know.” And I do. The thought of not playing football anymore kills me. But the thought of not being able to lift my kids up one day, or hold onto my girl, because my shoulder is so fucked...that’s even more devastating.
“I’ll make an appointment with the team doctor when I get back.”
My dad nods at me and gives me a warm look. “Do what comes next, Ash. One step at a time. And you’ll never be alone.”
“Never ever,” Charlie says from her perch on the couch where she is feeding Cammie.
“You’re stuck with us.” Annie blows me a kiss.
“Hansley girls forever.” Lucy tosses me a grin. “I know how you’ve always wanted to be a Hansley girl.”
Kyla leans over me to talk to Julie. “You’re an honorary Hansley girl now, too, you know. We always wanted a fifth sister.”
I’m feeling brave, so I decide to test the waters. “One day she’ll be an actual Hansley girl, you know. Hopefully sooner rather than later.”
Julie smirks at me. “You know me better than that, Hot Shot. Do I seem like a change her name when she gets married kind of girl?”
The whole room erupts in laughter and I pull Julie close, laughing right along with them. I have no idea what will happen next week when I go back to Pittsburgh and the future of my career is uncertain at best. But in this moment, with the weight of the secret off my shoulders and my family and my girl laughing around me, everything feels like it might just be okay.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Julie
“Thanks, honey,” Asher’s mom says as I hand her the last of the leftover containers to put in the fridge. We’re in the kitchen cleaning up after dinner. Susan ordered everyone out but asked me to stay and help her. Asher seemed reluctant to leave me alone and stuck around until his mom kicked him right out, telling him that she’s been cleaning up after dinner for far longer than he has been alive, and we would be fine without him. He just shrugged, kissed me on the head, and strolled to the living room where his oldest nieces were engaged in a vicious PlayStation battle. Without any clue as to why she wanted me to stay, my anxiety is firing on all cylinders, my hand tapping out a rhythm on my thigh.
“Cookie?” I jump at Susan’s voice and whirl around to where she’s standing with a plate of peanut butter chocolate chip cookies. My favorite. Even my own mom has never made a different kind of cookie for every person in her family, and my mom is a capital M Mom.
“Sure, why not?” I grab one and stand there, not sure exactly what to do.
Susan just laughs. “You don’t have to be afraid of me, Julie. I’m not that scary.”
I wince a little. “You noticed?”
She pats me on the shoulder. “Hard to miss. Your fingers are tapping on your thigh, and you’re thinking so hard I bet everyone in the living room can hear it.”
I take a deep breath and let it out, expelling some of my nerves. “Asher is a lot like you. He noticed all that right away too.”
She motions me to a stool, and we sit side-by-side at the kitchen island. “My boy is perceptive. Some people think it’s the quarterback instinct, and maybe that’s part of it, but he’s been that way since he was a kid. He always seemed to know what one of his sisters needed, even before they did.”
I laugh a little, and take a bite of a cookie. They really are excellent. “Story checks out,” I mumble. Swallowing the bite, I add, “He understood me from the start. I don’t know how, but he got things about me that even the people closest to me never really have. He likes to say he got me through luck and unwavering persistence, but really, it was the way he saw me all the way through and accepted me exactly as I am. That’s a first for me,” I say quietly.
The understanding in Susan’s eyes—the eyes she passed on to Asher—is so strong I almost have to look away. She reaches out and lays a hand over mine. “I bet it is. You’re a brilliant, successful lawyer. I bet you’ve always been at the top of your class, and studied your ass off to get there. When you got into practice, it was working late nights and weekends with partner track in sight, and then you left to start your own firm where you took charge and organized everyone and everything.”
I stare at her. “That is…scarily accurate.”
Susan laughs a little. “And no one close to you ever knew that, inside, you were an anxious mess, because you never letthem see. You covered it all up with spreadsheets and lists and color-coded calendars and really nice shoes.”
I have the fleeting thought that maybe I should be insulted by this, but I’m not because what I am is so fucking relieved. I feel like I do every time Asher understands something about me that no one else seems to. “How do you know all this?”
She squeezes my hand. “Because I just described myself too. I’m so happy that you and Asher found each other, and I just want you to know that if you ever need to talk to someone who has been where you are, you can talk to me. Anxiety works for us sometimes. It’s probably the reason we’re as successful as we are. But when it stops working for you and starts taking you over? That’s when things get dicey. You’re not alone, Julie. I understand you too.”
Emotion from being so well understood and so easily accepted makes my throat tight. “Thank you,” I whisper. Then I find my voice. “It’s been…hard being perfect all the time. I was exhausted and burned out and I didn’t even realize it. Asher did, though. We didn’t even know each other that well, but he found me on the floor of my office in the middle of a panic attack, and suddenly I was agreeing to go on a road trip with him, and it wasn’t even because he blackmailed me into it, even though I made it seem like it was.”
Susan snorts out a laugh and that makes me laugh too. “That sounds like my guy,” she says.
