“What the fuck?”
I look down and there are ketchup packets scattered at my feet. When I lift my head Jordan is smirking at me. “Thought you might need ketchup.”
“You couldn’t just hand it to me like an adult?”
He shrugs. “I just finished a twenty-four hour shift at the hospital, and I’m tired. I didn’t want to get up.”
“So why are you here instead of at home sleeping?”
“Because you needed us,” Ben says.
My throat swells with emotion at his simple statement and I look down, trying to compose myself so I don’t lose it completely.
“I don’t know what to do.” I quietly repeat my words from earlier, putting my taco down and pushing my plate away, appetite suddenly gone.
“It helps to talk about what you know,” Jeremy says. “So, what do you know? Just facts. No feelings.”
I take a deep breath and shove my feelings aside for now. “I have arthritis in my throwing shoulder. It’s about as bad as it can get, and it’s not going to get better.”
Jeremy nods. “What else?”
“The doctor won’t clear me to play. Now or ever. I need to do PT to help with the pain. I’ll probably need surgery down the road. A complete shoulder replacement isn’t out of the question.”
“Anything else?”
“I can’t…” I stop, not able to force out the words.
“Just say it fast,” Jeremy advises, echoing Julie’s words from earlier.
“I can’t play football anymore. That playoff game was my last game.” I clench my hands into fists, digging my fingernails into my palms to distract myself from the pain lancing through my chest at those words.
“No, you can’t,” says Jeremy. “And it’s completely fucking unfair to have your sport taken away from you instead of being able to leave on your own terms.” He rubs at his knee in that unconscious gesture of his, and I know he’s thinking of his own experience being forced out of hockey before his time. “But it gets better. You can’t see that now. But it does. You’ll find your place.”
“Have you found yours?” I ask, curious about his answer.
He blows out a breath. “I have my place at the bar and with these two idiots.” He gestures to Ben and Jordan. “And you’re one of us now, so don’t even try and fight it.”
My chest warms at his words, because I would never try and fight it. Most things are horrible right now, but I have my girl, and she gave me all of her people too. I love my sisters and never really wished for brothers, but it seems like maybe I found some right here.
“I have my place at the foundation too, which I love, so I guess I have a lot of places.”
“You know, if you tell Emma straight-up that you like her instead of dancing around it all the time, you could really find your place.” At first, I think Ben is joking, but when I lookat his face, it’s deadly serious. It’s the first time I’ve heard one of them refer to Jeremy’s feelings for Emma in such a direct way.
“It’s complicated,” Jeremy mutters.
“So be an adult and uncomplicate it.” Jordan takes the last swig of his beer and puts the empty bottle on the coffee table, picking up another full one.
“I fucked it up too badly.”
“You know, if you ever tell us what it is that you fucked up, we could help you,” Ben says.
“No.” The single word is final, and Jeremy turns back to me.
“Real talk, Ash. I’m not going to put a silver lining on this, because that’s not what you want and there really isn’t one. At least not right now. Leaving in this way is fucking painful, and it will be for a while, especially while you sort through all the logistics, and especially once the public gets involved and you have to see it over and over again in the media and talk about it a million times a day with fans. But having a plan for what to do next makes it a little easier, and taking it one step at a time, one day at a time, is the only thing that will keep you from going insane. So, what are you going to do first?”
Somehow, having him lay it all out like that steadies me, and I can think clearly for the first time all day. I open my mouth to tell him I need to call my coach, but instead what comes out is, “I need to talk to Julie.”
“That is…not what I thought you would say,” Jeremy says.
