I rest a hand on the counter, needing to get a grip on my awakening nerves as my body tenses. “I don’t know. He’s aware I can barely make ends meet. I think that’s been his goal all along. Seeing how long I’ll last without him. But he hasn’t once asked about the kids. He has no concern for them or their well-being.”
My belly squeezes tight. “I have to be careful and evaluate the consequences of any kind of involvement with him. Ollie is old enough to know if Miles doesn’t keep his promises, and I won’t let him be hurt and disappointed. Frankie doesn’t even know him.”
My mom huffs. “Well, he can’t take off to the bright lights and extra-large news desk without paying you. His ass needs to take responsibility.”
My spine stiffens at her bold insistence. I wish it were as simple as just telling him to be responsible.
“Mom, he’s never had any intention of paying child support. There are always threats or conditions attached, but even if I met his demands, he still wouldn’t pay. This is what he does. It’s all about control. Thinking I can rely on him for anything would be making the same mistake all over again. I trusted him. He did nothing but use it against me.”
“Sarah, he’ll make millions while you struggle for every penny. That’s not fair.”
I hear her frustration as the harsh reality of unfairness slams into me again. It’s not fair, but sometimes the price of freedom is worth the injustice. It’s a reality that’s becoming more apparent every day.
“Mom, you know how careful I have to be. He’ll do anything to get his way, and I can’t go through another public beatdown. I can’t afford to fight him and lose everything again.” Even with as little as I have, I’ve got the two most important things. Ollie and Frankie are the only things that matter.
It would be amazing to attack and go after what he owes me, but that requires resources and an affinity for gambling. At this point, there’s too much uncalculated risk and too little information about what his angle is. I made rash decisions before, and look where that’s gotten me.
I take a slow, deep breath. I’ve avoided trying to predict what he might do, but that won’t help me. “With this new job, I’m sure he’s on a power trip again, and I can’t anticipate what comes next. I’m. . .just trying to wait it out and see what happens before I make any move or decide if I even want to.”
It’s absolute shit just sitting and waiting to see what Miles is up to. But I learned my lesson when he took everything I’d worked so hard for and lit my world on fire. My job is to care for and protect Ollie and Frankie, so that’s what I’ll do.
“I’m sorry, honey. I just wish things with him were different.”
There’s a long moment of silence for the depressing state of what I once thought was beautiful and flourishing. But underneath, it was only a bed of lies.
I wonder how my mom will turn this sad song around.
“I hate seeing you struggle if you don’t have to.”
Her solemn tone eases my frustration, and I quickly swallow the swell in my throat that rises in its place.
“I tried, Mom. You know I did. Even when I shouldn’t have, I gave him so many chances. I don’t want his help if it comes with conditions or if it will hurt the kids. And it always does. He can’t see anything but himself.”
“You were always my brave girl.” Her uncharacteristically gentle tone causes the burn in my throat to reemerge. “Standing on that stage, no matter what anyone said.”
I’d like to feel brave now instead of like some knockoff.
“I wish I could help more, but I’m proud of you. You’re taking your life back. It’s proof he didn’t steal everything.”
Ok. Here we go. My mom is turning the desperate frown upside down.
I let my head fall into my hands as the emotional ride pulls back into the station.
“Don’t think there won’t be a show if I run into him. He’ll understand a whole other side of the spotlight when I’m finished.”
I laugh. My mom is successful yet again.
I hear Frankie cry. “Mom, I gotta go. Frankie is up from her nap.”
“Hug those babies and keep making friends.”
I hang up and climb the stairs.
“Hi, Love Bug.” I hold her close, and she snuggles in before I change her diaper. I carry her downstairs to stir dinner, thinking about everything my mom said.
I kiss Frankie’s head, watching Ollie throw his hands in the air when the excavator dumps a heaping pile of dirt.
Things are really tight financially, and it seems like every time I turn around, something else is breaking down or a new disaster is occurring. But I’m doing it. I’m standing on my own two feet without Miles.
