I pour my heart out for the first time since I heard the news, knowing she won’t judge me or invalidate my feelings. I tell her of the guilt, the anger, the shame. Everything. It all comes out in an ugly jumble of words, leapfrogging over each other to be heard. Acknowledged. Forgiven.
“And now I’ve met a man who could have been the one if all of this hadn’t happened, but now …” I shrug. It’s too painful to admit out loud that my potential Mr. Right has come along and now it’s too late for me – for us.
“But now what, Eloise?” The soft enquiry fans the spark of resentment.
“But now – it’s too late. No man will ever want someone like me.”
“Like you?”
“Yes, like me,” I snap. “Someone broken, defective. A half a-woman, unable to carry out the most basic of biological functions. Someone who can’t give him children.” The words flung at her burn through my soul like acid.
“Eloise, you are neither broken nor defective. What you’ve suffered through does not make you one, either. We’ll work on reframing these thoughts, but for now, I’d like you to tell me a little bit about this man you’ve met.”
For the remainder of our session, I tell her about Bear. The man with a gruff attitude, a stern exterior, and a beautiful heart, soft as a marshmallow. I know he’s got demons of his own – he’s made reference to them more than once, but he’s never shared his history, what exactly those demons are that chase him.
“Unfortunately, that’s all we have time for today,” Dr. Hancock says at the end of our session. “But I’d like you to make an appointment for your next session before you leave. I also want you to let me know how you’re doing between now and then.”
“I can do that,” I say.
Every last ounce of energy drained, I drag myself out of the doctor’s office into reception and make my next appointment. Letting myself out, I trudge to my car and rest my head on the roof when I finally reach my destination.
“Hey, you okay?” A hand touches my arm and, instinctively, I reach for my weapon, adrenaline pumping through my system. Thankfully, I’m not wearing it as my shift is over and I’m out in civilian clothing. “Whoa, easy there, tiger. I mean you no harm.”
Gulping down air like I’m starved of oxygen, I stagger back from the person standing beside me.
“Eloise, it’s me, Indigo. I’m sorry I startled you.”
“No, no. I’m the one who needs to apologize. That was an unnecessary response. It’s just been – a morning. You know?”
“Yeah, I hear you. I can’t even say let’s go grab a cup of coffee. I’m running late for an appointment. But let’s do that sometime soon. Okay?”
“I’d like that.” Somehow, I manage to dredge up a smile.
Looking at her watch, Indigo grimaces. “Shit, I’ve really got to dash. Take care. I’ll chat with you soon.” With a wave she hurries away. She reaches into her purse and pulls out her cellphone and makes a quick call, then tucks the device away.
I’m startled out of watching her when my own phone rings. Pulling it out, I see it’s Bear. I debate not answering, but it doesn’t feel right.
“Hi.”
“Hey. I’m on a quick break, so I thought I’d give you a call to see how’re you doing.”
“I’m good, thanks. Just ranning a few errands and now I’m on my way home.”
“Everything all right? You don’t sound good.” The concern I hear in his voice has tears welling, yet again.
“Yeah, yeah. All good. Just a bit tired. I’ve had a couple of bad nights. Otherwise all good.” I realize I’m babbling and stop. Squeezing my phone between my chin and shoulder, I unlock my car and get in. “What are you guys up to? Plotting world domination?”
Bear laughs, as I intended. “Actually, wearein the middle of a strategy session at the moment. I didn’t know you were clairvoyant.”
“Well, there you go. You learn something new every day.” We joke around on my drive home, and by the time I get there, I’m feeling a ton better. I hear one of the guys call for Bear just as I’m letting myself into my apartment. “Sounds like you’ve got to go.”
“Yeah, I do. But before I do. Would you like to grab a bite to eat this evening?”
“That’s really sweet, but I’m exhausted. I’m probably going to scrounge around my freezer for a TV dinner and crash early.”
“Okay, well I’ve gotta go now, but I’ll give you a call later.”
“I look forward to it. Chat later.”
