He’s akid, not aghost, Joshua told himself again.
“Did you grow up with dogs?” Joshua asked, choking on the words.
“No,” Dr. Green said. His gruff voice rubbed Joshua in all kinds of ways. “I always wanted one, but my mother was allergic. And there wasn’t enough money to go around as it was, so no allergy shots. Besides, it wouldn’t have been fair to add another mouth to feed.” He held Joshua’s gaze. “It’s important to make good choices about when to bring an animal into your life.”
Joshua stared at him, cold trickling through his veins. “When did you learn to train dogs?”
Brian darted glances between them, a frown gathering between his brows, obviously trying to make sense of the weight in Joshua’s tone.
Dr. Green didn’t answer the question. Instead, he asked his own. “Are you in need of a dog trainer?”
Joshua shook his head hard. “No.”
“Are you okay, Mr. Stouder?” Brian asked, tilting his head.
“I’m fine. I think I ate something that disagreed with me. Let’s get started,” Joshua said, gesturing toward the files Brian had brought along. He blinked at his own lie. He never lied. So why had he now?
They settled down to business with Joshua at the head of the table, and Brian passed him a thick folder of documents. Joshua opened it and began to flip through them to avoid looking at Dr. Green more than he had to. He wasn’t going to lose his mind. Not right now. Not in a business meeting.
Joshua blinked at the pages in front of him, trying to make sense of the words, wondering if he just needed to call off the meeting entirely, or reschedule it for a day when he wasn’t so tired and emotional. He hated to waste Brian’s time, though. He needed to get himself together.
“As I was saying,” Brian said, giving Dr. Green a warning look that Joshua interpreted as a scolding in advance for whatever Dr. Green might be about to say. “I’m sure you’re familiar with Dr. Green’s work from the information I provided.”
Joshua couldn’t say that he was familiar with Dr. Green’s work at all, actually. He supposed he really should have spent some hours getting familiar with the information. There was a time when he would have stayed up all night to do just that. But, since Lee’s death, he didn’t see the point in a lot of things anymore. And working his ass off was one of them.
It was strange how grief was so different each time he lost someone. When Neil and his grandfather had died, work was the thing that saved him. When his dad had passed away, he’d been strangely balanced about it all, but then Lee had been there to soothe his pain. Since Lee had died, though, things seemed to matter a lot less to him. Stouder Lumber was still an occasional hassle, but Joshua had learned to compartmentalize it. All in all, he just didn’t have the desire to invest so much in the world now.
Lee had been gone almost two years, and Joshua was doing just fine. But ‘just fine’ was different from what it had been before. It was a lot quieter and more sedate; there was time for sitting and staring out a window, or reading a book, or planting a garden in the back yard the way they’d talked about for years but had never done.
Life was bittersweet now. Joshua missed the man he’d planned to grow old with, but he also felt like he’d been really lucky. Damn lucky. He’d had Lee foryears. He’d known the details of him, and the stories of his childhood, and the feel of him in his arms. While he could honestly say that losing Lee hurt like hell, like a part of him had been amputated without warning, somehow all that they’d shared between them tempered it.
It was easier than when he’d lost Neil. Because even twenty years after Neil’s death, Joshua was still haunted by the things—big and small—he didn’t know. Things that no one wouldeverknow about Neil. And he was regretful of all they hadn’t had a chance to share.
Losing Lee was hard, but Joshua knew which kind of grief was worse.
Joshua realized that Dr. Green was talking, and had been for some time. His voice was low in pitch and yet expressive, rolling up and down in ways that were achingly familiar as well. Joshua shook his head, trying to stop thinking of Neil’s chuckle, or the way he’d cup Joshua’s cheek after kissing him, or rub a thumb over his lower lip.
Joshua didn’t think he could do this.
“…nanites shouldn’t be misused for vanity,” Dr. Green was saying. “They are quite possibly the greatest healing tool of all time. And yet how are they typically applied? For our petty desires to be the hottest, most attractive people possible. Tossing them into moisturizers so that we can look fifteen forever—look atyou, for example, Mr. Stouder—”
Joshua’s eyebrows went up, and he blinked at Dr. Green.
“You look thirty instead of forty-two. Despite your recent turn against nanites, it’s clear to me that you’ve benefited from them. Free-radical-destroying mini-machines, great in moisturizers and fantastic for repairing damage to skin, but given too quick of an exposure and the wrong genetic make-up, the vascular system can’t handle them, and next thing you know? Aneurysm. Also known as artery-go-pop. I believe you’re familiar with that.”
Joshua clenched his jaw and remained silent. Dr. Green was clearly referencing Lee’s death.
Brian’s eyes widened, and he stared at Dr. Green like he was an alien. His mouth opened as though to comment, but Dr. Green plowed ahead, his words tumbling out like even he couldn’t stop them.
“But nanites could be used for so much more than that. I’ve been working on models that could repair human tissue previously considered too damaged to salvage. I’ve even been working on a way to get nanites past the blood-brain barrier. Deaths from catastrophic injuries could drop drastically if my research is successful.” Dr. Green pressed the palms of his hands together and tipped them toward Joshua in a gesture so intimately Neil-like that Joshua had to take another deep breath.
“Mr. Stouder,” Dr. Green said, his eyes piercing. “Are you still with us?”
Joshua swallowed. He sounded so much like Neil.Just a kid. Not a ghost.It was time to get a grip.
“I’m with you.” Joshua crossed his arms over his chest. “Don’t forgetI’mthe guy you’re wanting to sweet talk into giving you a bundle of money for a project I’m not exactly sold on.”
Dr. Green narrowed his eyes even more and said, “As I was explaining,Mr. Stouder, in the most recent project I’ve been working on, the nanites can reverse severe brain trauma. They engage with glucose, merging and becoming part of the cell, in order to cross the blood-brain barrier effectively. At that point, they begin to repair pathways to allow for neural communication, or what we scientists refer to as the schnizzle in your nizzle, in order to—”
