Xan groaned, turning his back on Urho again. He needed to get to his car and make it home before he passed out from pain and before the horror he’d no doubt feel keenly in the morning caught up with him in the present.
“I get what’s coming to me,” he said again, darkness surging up inside. The ink black of his soul, fed so thoroughly by his encounters with Monhundy, past and present, confirmed that he was broken and twisted. Unmanned, unlovable, and utterly unworthy. “I get what I deserve.”
Urho’s hold on him loosened, shock working its way over his face, his eyes widening as he finally seemed to understand that Xan was no victim.
“That’s my car,” Xan said, nodding to the lime-green spectacle he’d bought on an optimistic day—a day when he’d felt more like his real self, the one who didn’t give in to temptation and come to Wilbet Monhundy’s house begging for a beating.
Urho’s voice was ghostly as he asked, “Are you capable of driving home?”
“Yes,” Xan lied. He wasn’t sure, actually. “Caleb will take care of me. Don’t worry.”
Urho stared at him, his lips drawn tight and closed.
“And, please, don’t mention this to Jason. He’s got enough on his mind.” Xan stepped away from Urho’s strong grip and climbed into his car, fumbling the keys before he was able to start the engine and pull away from the curb.
In the rearview mirror, Urho stood on the sidewalk, hands in pockets, staring after him with a dark expression. Vomit pushed up into Xan’s mouth, and he swallowed it down, groaning miserably. He’d never had Urho’s good opinion, but he sure as wolf-hell wouldn’teverhave it now. He’d be lucky if the man didn’t turn him in to the police.
Given how close he’d come to death tonight, Urho’s opinion of him was the last thing that should matter. And yet, for the whole, surreal drive home, Urho’s dark, bewildered eyes and tightly drawn lips, the evidence of his disgust and disapproval, were all Xan could think about.
It hurt almost as much as his physical injuries.
“Oh, darling, whydo you do this to yourself?” Caleb asked. His cool, long fingers trailed gently over the marks on Xan’s throat, and his kind, blue eyes shone sadly. The moonlight and cold night air spilled into Caleb’s sumptuous bedroom through the open sash, washing over Xan’s feverish, red, bruised, and broken skin. He wore only pajama bottoms, his robe discarded on the floor by the bed. Sounds of the city drifted in the windows.
“I don’t know. I can’t stop myself when the need hits me.”
Caleb sighed. “One day, he could kill you.” He helped Xan into the bed, facedown, so that he could treat Xan’s worst injuries from Monhundy’s kicks to his back.
“I know. And then what would happen to you?” Xan conceded, his eyes drooping with exhaustion. The cool sheets and blankets felt good on his hot skin.
Caleb tucked his blond, chin-length hair behind his ears as he peered at Xan’s wounds. He treated them as gently and lovingly as any pater with his precious child. It made Xan feel loved and safe in a way he knew, deep down, he wholly didn’t deserve.
The hot poultices that Caleb laid across Xan’s bruised back and hips soothed him. The soft bed Caleb nested in nightly with fluffy pillows and soft blankets beckoned Xan to sleep. But he’d need to return to his own room before long, where he’d ache with loneliness the way he deserved, and dream of an alpha that could love him as though he were a true omega.
“As if that’s what worries me most,” Caleb murmured. Though Xan wouldn’t blame him at all if that were his biggest fear. Caleb had his own secrets to keep and needs to meet. There was a reason the so-called “unmatchable omega” had contracted with an unmanned alpha, after all. Of course those reasons were a secret between the two of them and not known to the world at large. So long as Xan didn’t spoil things with his recklessness, they didn’t ever need to be.
“We might not be lovers in the truest sense, but I do care for you, Xan,” Caleb said, smearing arnica lotion over the smaller bruises. Xan hissed and hid his face in the crook of his arm. “More than as a cover for my own defects. We are friends, aren’t we?”
“Family,” Xan said firmly, his alpha-given proprietary urge rising up hard. Caleb wasn’t his true love, but he was his omega. They’d made promises and contracted after all. Caleb was most definitelyhis, and while they might not share the things other contracted couples shared, no matter what, they were family now.
“Then as your family, but, more importantly in my opinion, as your true friend, I’m begging you to stop seeing this monster.”
Xan held back the cutting, accusatory remarks that leapt to his tongue, knowing they reflected his own fears about his worth as an alpha and not Caleb’s actual opinions. The nasty blame echoed in his mind all the same.
If you don’t stop now, someone will find out, Xan. How long can this remain a secret? And what then? If you’re discovered, you won’t be the only one to pay a price. Caleb will suffer too. And your brother, Ray. The family will be humiliated. Your parents. And your friends. Association with you will be damnation for everyone who cares for you. Why are you so craven and selfish? Why are you so disgusting?
“Xan, stop beating yourself up,” Caleb said, knowing him too well. “You’ve done enough of that tonight by letting that alpha abuse you again. Does he always have to hurt you so much?”
“He likes it.”
“Doyou?”
Xan squeezed his eyes shut, tightness in his throat making it hard to speak. “I don’t know what I like anymore.”
Caleb sighed forlornly. “And I’m of no help at all.”
“You’re all kinds of help. You’re patching me up, aren’t you?” Xan tried to sound devil-may-care, but the pain in his voice ruined the effect. “You’re a wonderful omega.”
“What were you even doing on that side of town?” Caleb asked gently, as always trying not to sound nearly as critical as Xan knew he had every right to be.
