A soft knock tapped against the door. My whole body tensed up because the last thing I felt like doing was talking to anybody. I pulled the blanket over my head, hoping whoever it was would just go away. The knock came again, a little louder this time, but I didn’t move.
Then the handle twisted and the door creaked open slow. I sat up quick, wiping my face with the back of my hand, and saw Toni Roc slipping inside like I had invited her. She didn’t even ask if she could come in. She just shut the door behind her and walked over to the bed with this bag in her hand.
“Damn, you look pitiful as hell,” Toni said, plopping down right beside me like we had been cool for years. She tossed the bag onto the blankets and leaned back on her palms, staring at me with that laid-back grin she always carried.
I sniffed and turned my face away because I didn’t want her seeing I’d been crying. “I don’t feel like talking right now.”
“That’s too bad,” she said, not budging an inch. “Because I’m not leavin’ you in here to drown in your feelings. You got way too much fire to be hidin’ under blankets like this.”
I frowned, side-eyeing the bag she had dropped. “What’s that?”
Toni smirked and pulled it open. “Some green to take the edge off. Figured you needed it.”
I sat up straighter, narrowing my eyes. “Where the hell you get weed from in here?”
Her grin stretched wider, like she had been waiting for me to ask that. “Ran into Kay’Lo in the hall. We chopped it up for a minute and he blessed me with a lil’ somethin’. Even threw in some swishers.” She held up the blunt wraps like she had won the lottery.
I couldn’t help it—I laughed, the sound coming out rough because my throat was raw from crying. “Girl, you wild. You really just went and hit Kay’Lo up for weed?”
“Didn’t have to hit him up for nothin’. He offered. He said he don’t like seein’ the vibe all tense in here.” She shrugged like it was nothing, but her eyes stayed on me like she was making sure her words landed. “Look, I know you feelin’ some type of way right now. You almost went home earlier, and that shit stings, but you didn’t. You still here. That mean you got another day or two to do somethin’ different, make a new impression. Don’t waste that sittin’ up in this bed cryin’ over what could’ve been.”
I hated that she was right, but I wasn’t ready to admit it. “I don’t know, Toni. I’m tired. Tired of all this shit. Tired of fighting, tired of feeling like this nigga don’t see me.”
Toni leaned forward, her voice softer now. “Then make him see you. Pressure ain’t blind. If you want him, you gotta fight for him, but not like this. Not lookin’ like you already gave up.”
Her words dug into me deeper than I expected. I had told myself a hundred times that I was going to fight for Pressure no matter what, but I hadn’t realized how much I had already started surrendering. Sitting here crying wasn’t me. That wasn’t who I was.
I took a deep breath and finally pushed the blanket off. My legs felt heavy, but I swung them over the side of the bed and sat up. “You really think smoking with you gon’ fix this?”
Toni laughed, loud and warm. “It might not fix it, but it’ll keep you from bein’ all sad and shit. Plus, I’m good company.”
I shook my head, but for the first time all night I felt a little lighter. “Fine. Let me at least fix myself up first. I ain’t about to be outside looking a mess.”
I grabbed my brush off the nightstand and pulled my hair back into a ponytail, smoothing down the edges until I looked more like myself again. Toni watched me with that easy smile,not rushing me, just letting me take my time. When I stood up, she hopped off the bed and grabbed the bag.
“Come on, girl,” she said, nudging my shoulder. “The night ain’t over yet.”
I followed her out the room, feeling like maybe I could breathe again. We walked down the hall together, and for the first time since Ka’mari had walked through those doors, I didn’t feel like falling apart. Toni had been right. I was still in the house, and as long as I was still here, I had a chance.
We pushed open the back door and stepped out into the warm night, the bag of weed in Toni’s hand and a new sense of fight building back inside me.
I ain’t gon’ lie, if or when I do leave, I’m gon’ miss it here,” Toni Roc said.
I glanced at her and replied, “Hell, the way you talking, it seems like you’re ready to leave.”
She laughed a little, the blunt hanging between her fingers while smoke slipped from her lips. We were sitting outside on the back patio, the pool lights glowing blue across the water and bugs buzzing low in the grass. The night air was warm, and after a couple drinks we had brought out in plastic cups, everything felt looser. I leaned back against the chair, dragging slow on the blunt once she passed it to me.
“Nah, it ain’t that,” she said, taking it back from me after a few pulls. “It’s just, I understand what this is. We ain’t here forever, Kash. It’s a competition. I like him, I do, but I gotta guard my heart. I can’t be actin’ like I don’t know what I signed up for.” She tapped the blunt, then grinned. “And in the meantime, I’m enjoyin’ the ride. Shit, we gettin’ treated likeprincesses, eatin’ good every day, drinkin’ free, sleepin’ in big ass rooms, gettin’ bags and shoes handed to us like candy. I can’t complain. This experience alone worth somethin’.”
I looked at her and shook my head. “I don’t get how you can be in here with all of us, looking at him every day, and not feel some type of way.”
Toni shrugged like it was easy. “Because I know better. If he pick me, he pick me. If not, then I leave with memories. Either way, I win.”
Her words sat in my chest a little heavier than I wanted them to. I didn’t have it in me to just shrug shit off like that. I could laugh and party with the others, but deep down, it was getting harder to play it cool. Pressure wasn’t just some nigga to me, he was the one I wanted, and I wasn’t good at pretending otherwise.
I smiled at Roc and turned my eyes back ahead, staring out over the yard while the smoke wrapped soft around us. The weed had my body calming down, but the liquor was doing the opposite, pulling old feelings forward and making me miss him more than I wanted to admit. I sipped the mix in my cup, the liquor burning but the juice sweet enough to make it easy to keep going.
“See, you overthinkin’,” Roc said, breaking my thoughts. “You too deep in your feelings. That’s why you ain’t enjoying it like me.”
