Anna felt herself go hot across her neck and chest. Was that what this was? Was this an attempt to get her back? Just then, the barista brought over their drinks and Anna reminded herself of where she was, and when. She hadn’t gone back in time. She was still forty-three. Edward was still her ex.
‘I missed you, Anna. I missed you so much for the first couple of years and I was terrible to be with. But by the time I met Jen, I really thought I’d moved on. It was only seeing you that made me realise I hadn’t. What a mess. I mean, I love Ella so much and I want to be the best dad I can to her, but Jen and I can’t be together. Not with the way I feel about you.’
Anna knew that she was going to have to say something eventually. But what? That day she’d seen Edward with Ella, she’d felt shaken. She’d gone straight to Nia’s, she remembered. But that was as far as it had gone. A week later, it had been gone from her mind. Just one of those things that happened, when old lives and new lives collided. Seeing Edward hadn’t been painful, or wrenching, or anything like that.
‘Edward, I…’
‘Look, I know this is probably a shock. Me just appearing like this, with no warning. Perhaps I should have tried to get hold ofyour email address or contacted you on social media or something, but it felt right, to come here on this date.’
Anna reflected on this. It would have taken him less than a minute of online searching to find her email address. He was right, he should have done that. Should have approached her in a less confrontational way, given her some time and space to decide how she wanted to respond.
‘Edward, I’m with someone.’
‘Oh.’ He looked shocked, as if he hadn’t realised this was a possibility. As if the fact that she’d been single when they’d last met, three years ago, meant that she always would be.
‘How long?’ he asked.
‘Almost a year.’ She thought of Ben, of the way he made her laugh every day. How they’d met by chance on a work night out that had ended in a kitsch bar in Shoreditch, how Anna had very nearly said no when he’d asked for her number. How, after he’d put his number into her phone, she’d called him so he would have hers, and he’d answered and said, into the phone while looking her in the eyes, ‘I’m so glad you called, I wasn’t sure you would.’ How she’d stopped looking for that feeling she’d always been chasing, because she thought she might have found it.
‘Is he a good guy?’ Edward asked.
Anna didn’t want to answer. She wanted to make a point of it being none of Edward’s business, the state of her current relationship. But it was easier, simpler, to go along with it.
‘Yes,’ she said. ‘He’s a good guy. I wouldn’t be with him if he wasn’t.’
Edward raised both of his hands up to show that he was backing off. ‘I shouldn’t have come. I’m sorry.’
Anna blew on her coffee, took a sip. Her instinct was to say that it was fine, but she stopped herself. He was right. He shouldn’t have come. It hadn’t done either of them any good.
‘I think I’m going to go,’ she said, standing. ‘I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you, with her. And I’m sorry about your mum.’
Edward pushed his chair back to stand. She saw that there were tears in his eyes. ‘Thank you. How’s yours?’
‘She’s dying, actually. Lung cancer. It’s taking its time, but we all know how it’s going to end.’
Edward put a hand on her arm. ‘Jesus, I’m sorry.’
There was a moment of silence as they both considered the years that had passed since they’d been together. The bits of one another’s lives that they had missed.
‘Thanks for hearing me out,’ Edward said.
So he left first, in the end. But Anna left a minute later, as soon as she was sure he’d be gone and they wouldn’t end up walking down the street together. She thought about getting home, to Ben, about telling him this story. About how he would listen, and ask questions, and take it seriously without being jealous. She imagined telling him that she was so pleased she was with him now, and kissing him. And it all fell away, the tension and the worry of seeing Edward. And that was how she knew, that she was exactly where she should be.
28
YES
Thursday 5 June 2014
It took Anna a long time to come round and realise that her phone was ringing. By the time she was fully awake, Edward was sitting up, rubbing his eyes.
‘Answer it,’ he said.
She paused before doing so. Her mother had died a few weeks before but she was still terrified of phone calls that came in the middle of the night.
‘Hello?’
‘Anna.’ It was Nia. ‘I’m sorry to call you in the middle of the night. I’m…’
