‘Okay,’ Nia said. ‘Okay.’ She smiled. ‘Give her to me, then, and I’ll feed her.’
As soon as they were seated in the Italian restaurant, Nia smiled brightly.
‘So what do you think, of Jamie? I mean, I know you’re always honest but I’m sort of tied to this one, so if you could stick to the positive, that would be appreciated.’
‘He seems perfect,’ Anna said.
It was the truth. It was clear to Anna how caring Jamie was, how he wanted the best for Nia, and wasn’t that what every woman wanted? Someone who had her back, who supported her and gave her space and time to be the best person she could be? And it didn’t hurt that he looked the way he did. She thought about going against what she’d agreed with him, just throwing the fact that she’d once gone on a date with him into the conversation.Funny thing, she’d start. But no, she couldn’t. They’d acted like they’d never met. She had to stick to that. It felt uncomfortable, because it was the first big secret she’d ever kept from her best friend. Nia had been the first person she’d told when she got her period and her GCSE results, when she lost her grandfather and her virginity. Now, something had changed between them, and Nia didn’t even know.
Nia took a long drink from the water the waiter had just poured for them. ‘That’s it? I mean, I know I asked you to be nice but no criticism at all? It feels a bit weird. Remember when you first met Charlie and said you thought he had the capacity to become a psychopath?’
Anna laughed. ‘And look how that turned out! You calling me from a bar because he was waiting for you outside like some kind of stalker.’
‘I’d forgotten about that. Doesn’t it seem like a lifetime ago?You know, when we were carefree and you lived round the corner.’
‘It does.’
They ordered pasta and wine, ascertained that the waiter’s name was Will, and Anna felt herself relaxing, but she could see that Nia was on edge. She kept looking at her phone. Anna wanted to reassure her, to say that Cara would be fine, but what did she know about how it felt? This separated them, she realised. It put them on either side of something huge, something insurmountable. And they might always be on either side of it, she thought. It might change them fundamentally.
‘So, are you happy?’ Anna asked. ‘I mean, with Jamie?’
‘Yes,’ Nia said, and Anna noticed that she didn’t pause, or qualify it in any way. ‘Jamie is a good thing in my life. Thank God it was him I got pregnant with.’
‘Could have been Charlie,’ Anna said.
‘Imagine. He’d probably have ditched us by now.’ Nia smiled. ‘What about you? Is there anyone?’
Anna shook her head. She’d thought dating was dating everywhere, but she’d found it hard to establish the rules in New York. Men loved her accent, like everyone said, but after a couple of dates they seemed to freak out, as if she might want to marry them to stay in the country.
‘Nothing to report,’ she said. ‘But it’s really okay. I love it there, I’m happy exploring.’
They both ate for a couple of minutes, and didn’t speak. When they’d finished, the waiter cleared their plates and offered them the dessert menu, and Anna looked at Nia, ready to take her cue from her friend. Nia looked uncomfortable, like she couldn’t quite settle in her chair and she didn’t know what to say or do about it.
‘Shall we just get the bill?’ Anna asked.
‘But you love dessert,’ Nia said.
‘I can pick up a Dairy Milk from the corner shop,’ Anna said, and Nia smiled gratefully.
‘I don’t remember how to do it,’ Nia said, on the short walk back to the flat. She put her arm through Anna’s. ‘I don’t remember how to be a normal person, to go out for dinner or relax. It’s not even that I miss her, you know. I’m desperate for the time away, to feel like myself again. But then when I get it, I can’t enjoy it. I feel like I’m doing something wrong, letting her down somehow. If she starts crying and won’t stop until she’s fed, I’m the only one who can help with that.’
‘It’s early days,’ Anna said. ‘Just follow your instincts.’
She wondered whether that sounded trite. It was the best she could do.
Nia let them into the flat and they found Jamie and Cara asleep on the sofa, daughter lying on her father’s chest, her head to one side and her lips pursed.
‘They look pretty content, don’t they?’ Nia whispered.
‘They do.’
‘Shall we sit outside while we eat this?’ Nia asked, waving the bag of chocolate they’d bought on the way home.
They stepped into Nia’s small garden, sat on her garden chairs. And for half an hour, it was like it had always been. The miles swallowed up, Nia’s baby asleep. Nia had relaxed, now that she was back home and ready to take care of her daughter. She seemed like the old Nia again.
‘How’s that hot boss of yours?’ she asked.
Anna groaned. ‘So hot. And, you know, my boss. So I have to pretend he isn’t. Hot, I mean.’
