He ended his call and came back towards her. ‘Thank you so much. We’d have had a nightmare at bedtime if this was missing. Luke, you need to be more careful.’
The little boy grabbed for his rabbit and they walked on, chatting now, the dad’s head angled down towards his son. And as they walked away, Anna had the strangest feeling that she was the one who was losing something. She shook her head as if to dislodge her thoughts.
She could have a child that sort of age by now, if she and Edward had started trying for a baby when he’d first brought it up. She couldn’t imagine it. And yet, here she was, back in London to meet Nia’s baby. Was it something in her, some reluctance to grow up and accept adult responsibilities? Was she somehow abnormal? Her friends were having children left and right and she felt like she was forever buying new baby cardsand gifts, and yet she still didn’t feel any closer to wanting that for herself. With one last look back, she carried on down the road, heading for Nia’s.
Nia opened the door with her baby daughter attached to her breast and tried to give Anna a hug, but Anna was scared the baby would suffocate.
‘Come in,’ Nia said. ‘I probably shouldn’t flash the whole of Clapham.’
They went into the living room and sat down, and Anna really looked at her friend. Nia’s daughter, Cara, was eight weeks old. Nia looked tired; more than tired. She looked almost broken. And then Cara pulled away from the breast and Nia adjusted her clothes and beamed at her little girl and Anna saw that she was transformed, in that moment. She was a mother.
‘How is it?’ she asked. ‘How are you?’
Nia gave her a wobbly smile. ‘I can’t stop crying,’ she said. ‘Thanks for asking. Everyone just wants to look at her. No one cares how I’m doing.’
‘I care,’ Anna said.
‘It’s so weird,’ Nia went on, ‘I feel like my body isn’t mine. My tits are huge and they go from being quite normal to being rock hard with the milk, and my tummy’s all saggy and I just don’t feel like me. Do I look like me?’
‘Not quite,’ Anna said, truthfully. ‘But I think you will, in time.’
‘God, it’s so bloody hard. People tell you about the sleep deprivation, but they sort of talk about it as if it’s a joke. They don’t tell you that you feel like you’re going to die from it.’
Anna thought that perhaps spending time with Nia wasn’t going to change her stance on wanting children any time soon. ‘What can I do?’ she asked. ‘I want to help. I’ll get up in the night, anything.’
‘Trouble is, I’m the only one who can feed her,’ Nia said, and she looked miserable. ‘I think that’s the hardest bit. Jamie’s brilliant but he can’t help with that.’
‘Then I’ll get up and keep you company,’ Anna said. ‘Get you water. Change her nappy.’
Nia smiled gratefully.
Anna looked around. Jamie had moved into Nia’s flat shortly after they’d announced the pregnancy to everyone, but there wasn’t a great deal of evidence of him. There was a book on the coffee table that Anna was pretty sure wasn’t Nia’s – something about the history of film – but she couldn’t immediately spot anything else.
‘Where is Jamie?’ Anna asked.
‘Oh, supermarket. We run out of nappies or wipes on an almost daily basis. He won’t be long. I keep forgetting you haven’t met.’
‘I can’t wait to see whether he really looks like Peter Andre. Anyway, while we wait, let me make you tea.’
Nia smiled gratefully.
In the kitchen, in the fridge, Anna could see Jamie’s influence. Gone were Nia’s out of date yoghurts and bottles of beer. The fridge was full of cheese and meat, a veritable rainbow of vegetables and, in the door, nestled next to the milk, all sorts of sauces and condiments. What was it Nia had said about Jamie’s job? Didn’t he work in finance?
‘Is Jamie a foodie?’ Anna asked once she’d made the drinks.
‘God, yes. Didn’t I tell you? I’ve never eaten so well, or so much. You’ll see, while you’re here. He has this dream of opening up a café but I’m not sure it’s ever going to happen. How long are you here, by the way?’
‘I’m over for five days but I’m going to go to my mum’s for a night. Is that okay?’
‘Of course.’
Cara was asleep in Nia’s arms, and she stood and laid her gently in the Moses basket at her feet. ‘That’s better,’ she said.
‘Can I have a hold, when she wakes up?’ Anna asked.
‘Of course you can! I try not to thrust her on people too much, in case they don’t want to hold her.’
‘I’ve brought you things,’ Anna said. She fetched her suitcase from the hallway and opened it, pulled out the clothes she’d bought for Cara, which Nia exclaimed over, and the scarf she’d chosen for Nia at a flea market, supplemented by the big Toblerone she’d picked up at the airport.
