‘It’s fine,’ Steve said. ‘There are plenty of toys and it’s easierthan packing up all the stuff Sam needs. We’ll be absolutely fine here, won’t we, boys?’
Luke and Sam were both still eating, apparently oblivious to Thomas’s fall.
‘Okay,’ Anna said, ‘thank you. I’ll keep you posted.’
She lifted Thomas into her arms. He was too heavy to carry for long these days, but she somehow always managed to find the strength when he was upset. How long until she wouldn’t be able to? Another year or so, perhaps. Or maybe forever. You heard those stories, didn’t you? Mothers lifting up cars to save their children. She took him out to the car and strapped him in, kissed the tip of his nose. ‘You’ll be okay, Tom-Tom. Just keep holding that towel there, okay? Don’t forget.’
He nodded, tears still falling from his long eyelashes onto his cheeks. Anna got into the driver’s seat and set off for the hospital where she’d given birth to both of her boys. It was twenty minutes on a good day, but good days were rare when it came to traffic in London, and the journey took more like forty. She played nursery rhymes and sang along with them, and asked Thomas questions to make sure he was awake and alert, and every time the fear and panic threatened to overwhelm her, she pushed them down.
She wished Edward was here. It was always in these moments of crisis and fear that she questioned what she was doing, keeping him at a distance. Not only in those moments, but most acutely then. When one of the boys was feverish and sleeping beside her in bed, or when they fell and she wasn’t sure how serious it was. Her mind flitted from Edward to Steve. They had nearly kissed. If Thomas hadn’t fallen, they would have kissed. She was certain of it. She wouldn’t have stopped him, despite knowing he was married and having been on the other side of that sort of betrayal. She had been sure, in that moment,that it was inevitable. And now, what? She wanted to rush back to the safety of her marriage just because Thomas was hurt? She missed Edward, she did. Life was hard without him. But Steve. That look he’d given her, the way her tummy had flipped. That was worth examining too, wasn’t it?
When they got to the hospital, when they were called, Anna felt a great weight lift as she handed her boy over to the experts, who were gentle and kind and showed him soft toys they kept in their pockets to distract him from any pain while they glued him back together. All the time, she held his hand and talked to him and made sure he felt as safe as possible.
By the time they were home, it was almost tea-time and Anna felt wrung out. It was strange, coming into the house and Steve being there, holding the fort. Holding Sam. It was like a look into a possible future, and there was no denying that she liked it. It felt comfortable and somehow right. Steve looked up and saw her in the doorway, her hand on Thomas’s shoulder, and Anna felt herself redden, imagining he might be able to read her thoughts. Thomas ran into the room, and that sudden movement was like the bursting of a bubble.
‘All fixed?’ Steve asked, pretending to inspect Thomas’s head.
‘Fixed,’ Anna said, reaching out to take Sam from him.
‘You look like you could do with a glass of wine.’
‘I could. I might see if there’s some in the fridge.’
‘Sit down with Sam,’ Steve said. ‘I’ll look. Unless you want me to go home?’
‘No,’ she said. She didn’t. She didn’t want him to go. ‘Was everything okay here?’
‘Fine.’
Anna noticed that the lunch things had been cleared away and everything looked pretty neat and tidy. Sam’s playmat was out with a few toys and his wooden blocks, and Luke wasdressed as a firefighter and putting out imaginary fires. Thomas joined in, and she wondered at the ability of children to recover from things. Whenever either of her boys was hurt, it was her who took the longest to get over it. Steve appeared with two glasses of white wine and handed one to her, and she took a sip, feeling it warm her.
They ordered a pizza, put a film on for the boys. Anna put Sam to bed, and then she and Steve stood in the kitchen while the older boys stared at the TV.
‘About earlier—’ Steve said.
‘Yes?’
‘I’m sorry, if I was out of order. I mean, I was out of order. I’m married.’
Anna didn’t know what to say. They were standing close together and her body felt a little loose from the wine and she wanted more than anything to look up at him, to put her hands on his face, to kiss him. There had been no one since Edward had moved out. But there was Theresa, and no matter how rocky he said things were, they hadn’t called it a day, had they? Still, she was tired of worrying about everyone, taking responsibility for everyone’s actions. She was single. She looked up, locked eyes with him, and felt her insides turn to liquid. He leaned down, and she knew he was going to kiss her and she was going to let him, and the anticipation was exquisite. And when their lips touched, and his hands were in her hair, she forgot about everything else.
11
NO
Sunday 5 June 2005
All the way from Heathrow in the taxi, Anna swore to herself that she wouldn’t do it. But then as they approached Clapham, she leaned forward and told the driver she’d changed her mind. Not Cathles Road, after all. Hazelbourne Road. She had him pull up a little way away from the flat she’d shared with Edward, and then she paid him and stepped out onto the street. It was cooler than it was in New York, but she’d expected that. She pulled her case behind her and walked past her old flat on the opposite side of the street. Edward didn’t live there any more. They’d sold it and he’d bought himself something smaller, something further out. They were still in touch, but not often. He had a new girlfriend, Anna knew, and she sometimes wondered what she was like. What she looked like, how pretty she was. But also whether she made him laugh. And whether she brought out a side to him that Anna had never managed to find.
Anna stopped for a moment and looked. The new ownerhad changed the curtains, and the hedge was more neatly trimmed than it had ever been when she lived there. She tried to imagine crossing the road and going inside, letting herself in. What would her life look like now, if she’d stayed?
A man with a little boy walked past her. He was on the phone, and she heard him say ‘you’re always working’ in an irritated voice, saw the boy look up at him, his eyes full of worry. Just a little way up the road, the boy dropped his toy rabbit without the dad noticing.
‘Excuse me,’ Anna called, and the man turned. When he looked at her, Anna felt all churned up and she wasn’t sure why. Did she know him? She didn’t think so. And there was clearly no recognition from his side.
‘Can I help you?’ he asked, and Anna realised she’d left it too long without explaining why she’d called out to him. She was embarrassed, felt herself flush.
‘I think your son dropped his soft toy,’ she said.