‘Yes, Thomas?’
‘I shouldn’t have turned Sam into a snowman, should I?’
‘No,’ she said. ‘You shouldn’t.’
He looked like he might start to cry and she pulled him into her body. ‘But it’s okay, because it will come off. Don’t be sad, come on. Clothes off.’
Sam was still wailing, and as much as Anna tried to block it out, it tugged at her. Thomas lifted his arms and she pulled his top over his head. She thought of him as being so grown up now that she had Sam, but when he was in his vest and pants she was reminded of how little he still was. Sometimes she wanted to hold him tight and not let go, and other times she wanted to leave them both and run from the house as far and as fast as possible.
The bath took forever, because the Sudocrem was reluctant to wash off, but once they were finally clean and dressed, and she’d fed Sam and given Thomas some biscuits, they went to the park. Anna had learned that, hard as it was sometimes to go out with the two of them, she always felt better when they had. When they arrived, Thomas ran over to the climbing frame and Anna freed Sam from the buggy and sat him in a baby swing, gave him a little push.
Five minutes later, she heard her name being called and turned to see Steve with his little boy. Luke was holding the soft toy rabbit he carried everywhere by one ear. He’d spotted Thomas and raced to join him, and Anna knew that they would be caught up for ages, pretending they were pirates or fire fighters.She raised her hand in greeting and Steve walked over to join her. She felt the gentle clenching and unclenching she always felt in her stomach when she saw him. She was used to it by now.
‘No Theresa?’ she asked.
It was as much to remind herself that Steve was married as anything else.
‘She’s working. Big case. She thinks she’ll be in the office until about eight. So it’s just like any other day, for me.’ He laughed, but Anna thought she sensed some bitterness in it. Theresa’s hours were long, and Steve had said before that sometimes he felt like a single parent.
‘Well, we had a great start to the morning,’ Anna said, to change the subject. ‘It involved half a tub of Sudocrem and an unplanned bath.’
‘Oh, been there. But only with one, so I take my hat off to you.’
Sam started to fuss and wriggle, so Anna lifted him out of the swing.
‘I’ve got a blanket under the buggy,’ she said, gesturing.
Steve fetched it and laid it out on the grass, and the three of them sat down. Anna took a few toys out of her changing bag and handed them to Sam. Straight away, he put a plastic ring in his mouth and tried to bite it.
‘Teeth?’ Steve asked.
‘I think so. Awful night. How long does it last? Do you remember?’
‘About twenty years,’ Steve said, smiling.
Steve looked at her, and his eyes were sad. ‘I miss it sometimes, the baby years.’ They both looked over at the two older boys and Anna waited for him to go on. ‘I always thought we’d have another but it’s looking less and less likely.’
‘Oh?’
Anna had wondered about this often. When she’d first known Steve, he’d always talked as if he thought Luke was the first of possibly many children, and then, sometime before she’d had Sam, he’d just stopped.
‘Things are… shaky. With Theresa.’
‘Oh.’ Anna hadn’t expected that. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said.
‘Yeah, well. It is what it is.’
Anna felt like something had shifted between them, like she was scared to breathe, almost, in case it shifted back.
‘Do you think it’s salvageable?’
‘I don’t know. I’m not even sure I want it to be. Before we had Luke, we used to stay up all night talking or decide on a whim to book flights to, I don’t know, Switzerland. But now it’s like we don’t even have anything left to say to each other. I feel like I have more meaningful conversations with you than I do with her…’
Anna looked at Steve as he rubbed his jaw. He didn’t meet her eye. The draw she felt to him was physical, she knew that. But it had deepened the longer she’d known him. He was so different to Edward that he provided a glimpse of another life. Some days, she really wanted to know more about what that life might be like. With Edward, it had been fun, mostly. Shared jokes and lazy weekends and comfort. She had felt like she was in the right place, until she hadn’t. Steve’s life looked more chaotic, less steady. Somehow, despite being an at-home parent like her, he made life feel like an adventure. He was always doing last-minute camping trips with Luke or being invited to glamorous events by his rich clients. And Anna wouldn’t mind a bit of adventure, now and again.
If she were with Steve, would another side to her come out? A more impulsive, slightly messier side? How much of who shewas, was tied to who she was with? Anna wanted to believe that her personality was strong; that her essence was rigid. But how could you know, really, without testing it out?
Anna felt like she needed to say something, to steer them back. ‘Do you want a coffee?’ she asked, jerking her head to indicate the café across the road.
