‘Anyway, we can both sleep with whoever we like, right?’ she said.
‘Can we?’ I replied, hating the idea of her being with somebody other than me, although of course I had no right to feel this way. ‘And just so you know, there has been nothing with Daniella for a long while.’
Lira took a moment, seemingly taking it all in. ‘She said you’re incapable of having an actual relationship. That you have a list of women you call whenever you’re in the mood for sex.’
I rubbed at my brow, realizing how bad that must sound. And, honestly, it felt bad, too, and quite often I had gone to delete every single contact in my phone so that I would not be tempted to reach for them whenever I felt lonely.
‘I am not quite as callous as that makes me sound,’ I said,feeling ashamed that this was how people saw me. How did Daniella even know? Had she been through my phone? ‘Lately, I have not enjoyed meeting women just for that. It feels… pointless. We both know nothing is ever going to come of it, other than the obvious. And afterwards, when they leave, I don’t feel all that great.’
‘Not great how?’
‘Alone. Like my life is one big, gaping hole of nothingness.’
Lira looked as though this was not what she had expected me to say. I had never admitted how lonely I felt to anyone, ever. I had never told a single person that the only time I felt truly happy was when I was on stage performing. And how sad it was that my happiness was entirely tied up with my role as a dancer. That my job – one of the most insecure, fragile, volatile careers you could choose – was the only good thing I had going for me.
‘Then why have you never been in a relationship? And I’m not sure I can really talk here, because I haven’t either. And I get it – I get what you mean about feeling alone. I feel the same way, even if I don’t have a huge list of men to contact when I feel like having some company,’ said Lira.
‘No?’
‘Well, I do haveoneperson. Jack. My personal trainer.’
I felt a shot of jealousy, which I had no right to feel.
‘Classic,’ I said, trying to laugh it off.
‘I’m nothing if not a cliché,’ she said, half-smiling.
I relaxed a little. We were talking about us, about feelings,sex, love, and sure, it was a little awkward, but it was definitely not unbearable. And now Lira had started talking, it was like she could not seem to stop, which gave me a small reprieve from having to say more. One step at a time.
‘Maybe we’re both too scared to actually feel something for somebody,’ said Lira, slowly, as though she was choosing her words carefully. ‘To risk getting hurt. I can only speak for myself, but I like to be in control of my emotions. My whole life, really. I like to know that I’m good at something, and to feel safe and secure in what I’m doing. But then Carlos came along, and the show and you, and it shook everything up. And now, I’m just not sure. Because nothing has ever felt as thrilling as these last few weeks on tour with you. And how am I going to go back to my real life knowing how good this felt?’
I cupped her face in my hands, needing her to know I understood, that I felt the same way. I did not want to go back to feeling alone any more than she did.
‘I have missed you, Lira,’ I said, resting my forehead against hers, closing my eyes because it felt easier to be truthful that way. ‘Over the last thirteen years, I have thought about you so often; about the night we shared. There was something about you leaving that tore my heart into pieces, and I can assure you that it was not just my ego taking a bashing, it was because I could not stand the thought of losing you when I had only just met you. Crazy, when you think about it. We were so young. It was one night. And yet, I can still remember every detail of it.’
She wrapped her arms tightly around me so that there was no space between us at all.
‘Do you think it’s fate that brought us back together all these years later?’ she said.
‘I do not know,’ I admitted. ‘But we are not the people we were then. We were young and impulsive and we had not learned how to have difficult conversations yet. But look, here we are, having one.’
She nodded. ‘And that feels like a good start, doesn’t it?’
We held hands on the way back to the hotel. It was downhill all the way, and we chatted about lots of different things, one of us pointing out a beautiful building or an interesting display in a shop window as we passed it, or the facades of a building decorated with beautiful blue and yellow ceramic tiles. The sky above our heads was clear and bright, and with Lira’s hand in mine I felt like a different person altogether, a world away from the guy who had spent his birthday completely alone, with nobody except his parents so much as acknowledging it.
Our hotel was on a pretty side street and no words were needed as we stepped inside the foyer and took the stairs up to my room. It was cool and dark inside, since it overlooked a shady courtyard rather than the bustling street at the front of the building, and quiet except for the hum of the air-conditioning unit.
The housekeeper had been – the bed was perfectly made, smooth and inviting. The muslin curtain billowed in thebreeze from an open window; on the street down below, a tram rattled past.
‘If I’d told you that I was leaving that night, why I had to go – about the studio, that I was giving up dancing – what would you have said?’ Lira asked me, her face serious.
It felt important for her to know, but on the other hand, how could I be sure? How could I transport myself back to that place and imagine what my twenty-two-year-old self would have said or done?
‘I think I would have told you to stay. To miss your flight. To say no to your parents. That you were too talented a dancer to give it up.’
She bit her lip. ‘Would you?’
‘I cannot know for definite,’ I said, taking both of her hands, pulling her towards me, wanting her to relax. ‘I was not the same person I am now. I would have been thinking selfishly. I would not necessarily have considered what was best for you.’
