‘And that you’re not always on the verge of a bad mood?’
He raised his eyebrows and I thought maybe I’d pushed it too far. But then I thought, so what? It was true.
‘For that very uncalled-for comment, Lira James, I instruct you to eat one more custard tart,’ he said, pushing back his chair and heading back to the counter.
CHAPTER TWENTYGabriele
I had been to Lisbon several times before, but had seemingly avoided most of the typically touristy things. I had certainly never walked up to the Castelo de São Jorge. I had noticed it from afar, its huge, fairytale-like structure towering over the higgledy-piggledy houses of the Alfama district, but I had never made the time to go up and see it properly.
It had been Lira who suggested we walk up here, the afternoon before our first show in the city. My instinct had been to say no. I did not know why at the time, but upon further analysis I realized it was because I was scared of what spending more time alone with her might mean for us.
Yesterday had been one of the most special times I had experienced on tour ever, which was worrying to say the least. Being alone with Lira in bed was one thing – sure, itwas amazing, but I had amazing sex with lots of women – but wanting to go for long walks uphill in the sun and talk about things other than dance… that was not normal, not for me.
‘This area is gorgeous!’ enthused Lira, striding ahead, seemingly enthralled by the winding streets and the colourful tuk-tuks jostling for space, and the quaint little shops selling everything from bottles of port and custard tarts, to bath oils made with local herbs and flowers. I watched her, smiling to myself. She looked lovely today, in a simple outfit of jeans and a T-shirt worn with flat sandals, her hair piled in a bun on her head. I was in my trusty linen trousers again, which the hotel had kindly laundered for me after yesterday’s impromptu paddle.
‘I think the entrance is up here,’ she said, turning to me, her face sparkling with anticipation.
I nodded, following her, wondering for about the hundredth time whether this was a good idea. I was already enjoying myself far too much, and could I really relax into it when I knew that it would be impossible for us to be together after the tour had finished? Could I risk falling for her, knowing I was very likely to lose her all over again?
The castle was even more impressive close up. Its cobbled surroundings had a laid-back, chic atmosphere I had not expected. There were little huts selling food and wine, and I almost broke my no-drinking-before-a-performance rule and bought us both a glass of the local cherry liqueur, Ginja.
‘Don’t even think about it,’ warned Lira, who had seen me eyeing it up.
‘Spoilsport,’ I joked.
I grabbed us a cappuccino each instead and then joined Lira, who was leaning against the castle walls, taking in the view. Below us, the rooftops of one of the oldest parts of the city tumbled down towards the Tagus, a sea of terracotta tiles and washing lines reaching from one apartment to another. On the other side of the bay, green mountains loomed out of the water. I breathed it all in, the scent of churros from a stall behind me wafting into my nostrils, a soft breeze licking the back of my neck, Lira’s arm pressing tantalizingly against mine. It could not have been more perfect if it had tried.
‘I never knew Portugal was so beautiful,’ said Lira. ‘And then we went to Porto and, obviously, it was absolutely stunning, and now this. My mind is blown!’
‘You have caught the travel bug,’ I declared.
‘Why the hell haven’t I put myself out there and explored the world properly before?’ she said, impassioned, suddenly.
‘You still have time to do all of those things, Lira. There is no rush,’ I reassured her.
‘I do, don’t I? I don’t have to go back to my hotel and book myself a flight to New Zealand or anything like that. All in good time.’
I glanced across at her. God, her skin was perfect. I wanted to run my thumb across her cheek right now, pull her into me, kiss her hard on that plump, pink mouth, but I owed it to Lira to have my head straight before I started promising her things I might not be able to come goodon. And, of course, there was the fact I didn’t know for sure whatshewanted. I felt something when she looked at me – itseemedlike she liked me for who I really was, bad bits and all – but until we actually had that conversation, there was a chance that this closeness between us could all be in my head.
‘Why do I want to kiss you every time I look at you?’ she said, suddenly.
I laughed, my breath catching in my throat. Shedidfeel the same way. I watched a blush creep into her cheeks and, without overthinking it, I put my hands on her face, pulling her close.
‘I like hearing you say that,’ I whispered.
‘What exactly is it that you want from me?’ she asked. ‘Because it’s really difficult to tell what you’re thinking; whether the feelings I have when I’m with you are reciprocated or not. Whether you have this kind of connection with everyone.’
‘Everyone?’
‘Other women. Daniella, for example.’
It took all of my strength not to pull away, because that was what I always did when I came up against something that felt difficult emotionally; when something required me to dig deep, to make myself vulnerable. Of course I wanted to dodge her question, to shut it down. Tough question? Ignore it. Hope it went away. Although they never did, of course. Everything caught up with you in the end.
‘You know my history with Daniella. And it is not like it is between us.’
‘She said something happened recently. Since, you know…we’vebeen spending time together,’ said Lira.
She was the one to pull away from me this time, looking out over the castle’s walls at the city below. I wanted to touch her again. It felt easier to be honest when I was, but I could see that she was grappling with something, too, and if she needed space, I would give it to her. I wondered whether Daniella was purposely trying to cause trouble, perhaps realizing that what I felt for Lira was special, because if I could feel it so strongly, I was sure that other people must be able to see it, too.
