‘That’s kind of my point,’ I said. ‘Since I agreed to help Mum and Dad run the studio, it feels as though you’ve all carried on regardless while my hopes and dreams have been pushed to the side. Both of you have done exactly what you wanted to do. You’ve moved halfway across the world, you’ve made a home wherever you feel like it, and you’ve had the freedom to audition for something without having to think about a million other things before you said yes.’
‘You’re the one who said you were happy to be a dance teacher. Mum said you’d realized the professional dance world wasn’t for you,’ insisted Sedi.
‘You know how hard I found it –stillfind it – to say no to Mum and Dad. How persuasive they can be, especially with me.’
‘You’re too weak-willed,’ said Nolo. ‘I know you probably think we’re selfish or something, but at least we’re not putting other people’s needs in front of our own all the time. Why shouldn’t we go after what we want?’
‘Fair point,’ I said, ‘which is why I decided – when the opportunity unexpectedly arose – to do the same thing myself. How could I not have done?’
Sedi sighed. ‘I think what bothers me is that it all feelsso deceitful. Creeping around, pretending you had GP appointments when actually you had auditions. It leaves a nasty taste in my mouth.’
I nodded. ‘And I’m sorry. I definitely should have been honest with you both from the beginning. It was just that it felt like such a huge thing. Something I was very likely to fuck up. I’d convinced myself that it was best not to say anything until I was sure Carlos Torres had meant what he said – that he wouldn’t instantly regret hiring me and fire me on the spot in front of the entire cast.’
‘That’s ridiculous. You’re a beautiful dancer and you know it,’ said Nolo.
‘But I don’t know it, not really. Choreographing at the studio is hardly pushing me to my limit, is it? I had no idea if I’d be able to keep up with Gabriele, and it was obvious he was looking for something very specific, and that it had been Carlos not him who had wanted to hire me. I had a lot to prove, and part of me wanted to focus on that without also having to deal with talking about it to all of you when I didn’t know what kind of reception I’d get.’
‘We could have helped you if you’d asked,’ said Sedi, resting her chin in the palm of her hand. ‘It’s okay to have doubts, you know, and that’s what sisters are for – to champion each other. To give each other strength and encouragement.’
I believed the same thing myself until all of this – where had Sedi’s strength and encouragement been on press night?
‘Sedi’s right,’ said Nolo. ‘You’ve spent years looking after us, but sometimes it feels as though you won’t let either ofus in. Maybe we’d like to see you mess up sometimes – it would make us feel better about ourselves, instead of having this perfect and always-together older sister to have to compete with.’
‘I didn’t realize we were competing,’ I said quietly, knowing deep down that they had a point. To me, asking for help meant revealing a weakness, but what Sedi and Nolo were saying was that it would actually show strength of character to admit that everything wasn’t wonderful all of the time.
‘Well, you wouldn’t, because in Mum and Dad’s eyes, you’re always number one. Imagine what it’s like for us, desperately trying to live up to the high expectations you’ve set for us all,’ said Sedi.
I swallowed hard. I’d had no idea they felt like this, nor had I ever imagined that they thought I’d had it easy compared to them.
‘Maybe we all wanted what the others had, instead of appreciating what wedidhave,’ I said quietly.
‘Maybe,’ said Sedi.
Nolo leaned closer to the screen. ‘Does it feel right what you’re doing, Lira?’
I didn’t have to think about it for long; the answer was right there on the tip of my tongue.
‘One hundred percent right. It’s what I’m meant to do, I know that now, just like it’s what you two are meant to do. And now it’s my turn to make something of myself, and I don’t know what that means for us, or for the studio.’
‘Mum and Dad have already said they expect me todo more for the business if you decide to carry on with this,’ said Sedi, looking less than impressed. ‘Maybe they shouldn’t have opened the business in the first place if they didn’t have any interest in actually running it.’
‘Now you know how I feel; how I’ve always felt.’
‘I’m going on tour with Barbed Wire soon, though. I’ll be on the other side of the world,’ said Sedi. ‘I’m going to tell them that unfortunately I won’t be available to give couples with two left feet wedding dance lessons!’
‘Well then we’ll have to find another way to make it work,’ I said, refusing to back down.
‘Talking of Barbed Wire, have you met Tate Fellows yet?’ asked Nolo, changing the subject completely, no doubt before either of us could ask whathercontribution to the running of the studio might be.
Tate Fellows was the lead singer of Barbed Wire, who were currently the biggest rock band in the world. A loud, American, slightly unhinged – in my opinion – man with tattoos covering at least seventy percent of his body. He was cute, I supposed, if you liked that kind of thing, but boy did he know it. He was photographed with a new model or actress practically every week.
‘I met him at the final casting, yeah,’ said Sedi, casually.
‘What’s he like?’ gasped Nolo, clearly finding this line of conversation a whole lot more engaging than my dance career and the running of James Jive Studio.
‘He’s okay,’ said Sedi, shrugging.
‘Gorgeous, though, I bet?’ said Nolo.
