“I’m thirty-five. What’s wrong with me?”
“Nothing. You’re a beautiful man. When we were together, I thought you gave a lot. Maybe it could’ve been love if I was a boy.”
“I’m just worried he’s right and that someone I care about could get hurt.”
“What caused this conversation?”
“I got involved with his son.”
“Rocco’s son?”
“Yeah, and he’s very against it. He thinks I’ll fuck him over because that’s what I do. Is that what I do, Rachel?”
“What’s his name?”
“Tristan.”
“Do you have feelings for him?”
I let her question settle over me for a moment. He’s been gone two months but…
“I think of him all the time, but he’s so much younger than me, and he’s Rocco’s kid, and I don’t know, maybe it’s only lust, and I’ll fuck him over, just like Rocco said.”
“Okay, let’s take a step back. Rocco is emotionally invested because it’s his kid. If this were about anyone else, he’d probably tell you to just see where it goes.”
“That’s probably true.”
“Second, I think you’re emotionally invested too. You know what’s at stake here, and well, babe, I’d say maybe you do feel something for Tristan. I’ve never known you to even wonder about it before. You’re very level-headed when it comes to romance. You know if you’re just into someone sexually or not.You’ve moved beyond that into a relationship in the past. Don’t let Rocco’s judgments cloud your perception.”
“Is it a blind spot though? Am I a dick? He brought up Sean and Mark and James.”
“You were a lot younger then. And you’re not Rocco. He throws his heart in the ring every time, but you need time and space to figure out if you’re going to put it in or not. Could you see yourself with Tristan or is it lust?”
“When we’re together, Rachel, it’s explosive. Like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I can’t stay away from him even though I should. I hate lying and going behind Rocco’s back, but Tristan just, I don’t know, he does something to me.”
“Answer my question. Is it lust or is it something else?”
“I don’t think I’m in love. We haven’t even spent that much time together, but…” I rub my forehead. Shit.
“Bishop?”
“The last time we spoke, I told him I would wait for him. I said I was his.”
“Wow. Okay. Did you mean it?”
“Yes.” I exhale slowly, floored by own admission. “I want more time with him. I want to see him again.”
“So, it’s something else?”
“Rocco said if I came to him and told him it was love that he would try to understand. Do I try to fall in love? Or do I leave it alone?”
“To answer that you have to decide if Rocco is right about you. Will you run and potentially break Tristan’s heart, or will you stay and potentially fall in love with him?”
“Right. Okay. I have two years to decide.”
“Two years?”
“He’s in college.” I laugh softly. “Fucking college, Rachel. He’s twenty.”
