She sighed. “I wanted to stay in O’Leary. I like it here. I wanted to do what Jules did and commute to school. I wanted to be a teacher. I’d be a damn goodone.”
“And that’s not goodenough?”
She sighed again. “We had a big fight. I told him I wanted to go live with my mom in Syracuse. He said if I left, I shouldn’t bother comingback.”
“So whathappened?”
Sam spread her arms as if to say,Here I am. “My situation’s fucked. But we’ll see what happens when I turneighteen.”
“I’ve kinda been where you are,” I found myself saying slowly. I didn’t really plan to say it because,fuck, I hated talking about my shit, but Sam looked so lost and I wanted her to know she wasn’t alone. “I actually ended up leaving home when I was about your age, because my dad told me if I wasn’t gonna study business and join the family firm, I wasn’t welcome under his roof. I don’t think he believed I’d actually do it until I wasgone.”
Sam grinned. “No shit? You just left? Fuck you, peaceout?”
“I did.” I grinned back at her, but my smile died quickly. The memories were painful. “I worked at a movie theater and couch surfed for a while. It was… Okay, if I’m being honest it was the worst time ever. It sucked. I was cold and hungry, and thank God it only lasted a couple months. If you’re considering trying to survive on your own, I don’t recommendit.”
“No shit.” Sam’s eyes were bleak and she rubbed a hand over her nose. “What happenedthen?”
“I had a trust fund from my grandfather and I inherited it when I was eighteen. So for me, it was a temporary thing, a power play against my dad, and I knew it.” I shrugged. “It was still stupid. Makes me cringe to think of the shit I said. But I ended up going to college and studying creativewriting.”
“And your parents?” she whispered. “Did they ever speak to youagain.”
“They did. Eventually. And then they didn’t again the next time I disappointed them. They care about me, but it’s like they only know one way to show it.” I frowned, staring at the fire. “But then again, I guess I only know one way to react to them, too. We’re like the grooves in a record; we always play the same damn songs, one afteranother.”
“So… if you changed your song, would they change theirs?” she asked. “If you reacted in a different way, would it changethings?”
I blinked, transferring my stare to her. “I… I don’t know. Maybe your dad would,too.”
Sam looked doubtful, but before she could respond, Honoria jumped off her lap and began barking again. My heart started to pound crazily almost before I realized what was happening. I stood up, but then stared at Sam without moving for a long moment, paralyzed, thinking over what she’d justsaid.
“I’m guessing that’s Jules?” Sam looked faintly amused. “Are you going to puke orsomething?”
“No.”Maybe.
She pushed herself up. “Well, I’m gonna get going. You’re either gonna vomit or kiss the hell out of him, and I don’t need to see eitherone.”
But I was still frozen in place when she passed me, and she reached out to punch my arm. “Dude, are you cool? You want me to tell him you’resick?”
I shook my head. I definitely didn’t want her to do that. “I fucked up with him, I think, Sam. I think… I think I’ve been playing the same songs with Julian,” Iwhispered.
Her lips twitched. “Jesus. And they say teenagers are dramatic. Just tell him you fucked up, Daniel.Apologize.”
“It’s probably too late for that. Julian deserves so much better,” I said desperately. I could hear Julian’s boots on the porch stairs, and while a few minutes ago I’d been literally tripping over things in my excitement to see him again, now I was fuckingpetrified.
I was realizing—right then, because my timing was perfect as always—I’d always sort of taken for granted that certain things were fixed and immutable. My father was overbearing and disliked everything about me that didn’t fit his own narrative of what a son should be, so there was nothing I could do to change that relationship. My writing was either critically acclaimed or it wasn’t, and I couldn’t change anything about it without becoming inauthentic. My friends and my ex-wife had turned away when I needed them, so clearly I was unlovable, and there was nothing I could have done to change thoseoutcomes.
I was shitty atrelationships.
I was doomed tofailure.
Pitiful and forever alone, woe isme.
But what if… and I know it sounds ridiculously simple, but I cannot express how revolutionary this idea was to me in that moment… what if I could stop reacting to things the way I always had, like the world was out to get me, and just maybe trust that someone could see me beneath my failures and disappointments. I knew I could do that for Julian. Maybe Julian could do that forme?
“Daniel.” Sam stood on her tip-toes and gripped me roughly by the shoulders like some kind of tough-love pixie. “If you think Julian deserves someone better, thenbesomeone better, because you’re who he wants.Okay?”
“Sam,” I said as Jules knocked on the door. “You’re the smartest person in the room. Fuck anyone who treats you like atoddler.”
Sam laughed and shook her head, pushing me away. “You’re soweird.”
