“He’s a mystery wrapped in an enigma, hmm? What does he say when you askhim?”
“Ask him?” The alcohol was definitely hitting me now. “What do youmean?”
Parker blinked and said with exaggerated patience, “I meanask him. Like, ‘Hey, Daniel, is there a reason you don’t like to talk about your life before O’Leary?’ Or, ‘Hey, dickwad, I need a little validation, so could you maybe explain what this relationship is to you?’ Or however you do it. What does he say when you ask thosequestions?”
“I…” I lifted my hands and then lowered them again. “I haven’t. I can’t say shit like that. It would ruineverything.”
He snorted. “Oh, my God. I’m about to change your life. You ready? Because there’s this amazing new way of obtaining information that people don’t volunteer. It’s calledasking.”
“Does it involve Fireball?” I askedsourly.
He laughed. “Only in the really hard cases. But seriously, why won’t you just open your mouth and ask thequestion?”
“Because! What if he feels pressured? What if he feels like I’m forcing him to make something official when it’s not, or define something he’s not ready to define? What if it’s mortifying, because he can tell from my questions thatIhave feelings beyond friendship with benefits, and hedoesn’t? It would ruin ourfriendship.”
“Well, maybe.” He shrugged. “I mean, that’s a risk you run. But it’s okay that you have needs too. So maybe Daniel will say, ‘Well, I’m not ready to define our relationship yet, Julian, but I do like you rather a lot.’ And you’ll say, ‘Jolly good! I’d appreciate if you’d keep me in the loop as your feelingsevolve, old chap.’ And then you’ll offer him tea, and it’ll begreat.”
“Or, maybe he’ll decide I’m not worth the effort and just moveon.”
I bit my lip. That was the crux of the issue, right there. There was no one who’d ever seen the real me before, all the various Julians rolled into one, and everyone who’d caught a glimpse had backed away. If prior experience was anything to go by, this quasi-relationship with Daniel was doomed when I opened mymouth.
I reached for the whiskey again, voluntarily this time, but Jamie moved the bottle out of my grasp and turned to grab a soda from the fridge instead. He cracked it open and set it in front ofme.
“That’s rough, Julian. You’re in a really shittysituation.”
“Yeah.” The confirmation wasn’t particularlyhelpful.
Parker turned back to the griddle and assembled the burgers and buns into sandwiches, then cut them in half and handed me aplate.
“But the solution to the problem is undeniable.Ask.Him.”
“Parker, did you miss the part a minute ago where I told you I’mincapable?”
“You’re not incapable, Julian, you’re scared shitless. That’s different. Incapable, I can help you with. Scared shitless, though, you’re gonna have to overcome on yourown.”
“You’re just a big warm hug, aren’t you?” I grabbed half of the burger with both hands. It smelledamazing.
Parker snorted. “It’s kind of selfish, when you think aboutit.”
“What?” I paused with the burger halfway to my lips. “What’sselfish?”
“Your behavior. I mean, you’re probably feeling like you’re pushing down your own needs so you don’t rock the boat, being a martyr and blah blah blah.Look at how nice Julian is!But meanwhile, you’re getting pissy and resentful, analyzing every conversation from ten different angles, inferring things he never meant, and getting angry over petty bullshit. Am Iright?”
I saidnothing.
“And he’s sitting there thinking he’s just a terrible human, because obviously you’re miserable and constantly annoyed, when really he can’t do a damn thing to help fix the issues in this relationship because he doesn’tknow what they are.If you want him to read your mind, Julian, you’re fucked. You’re worried about ruining something by speaking up, and you’ll end up ruining it anyway by stayingsilent.”
Parker pushed his own plate away without taking a bite. “One day soon, if you’re not there already, you’re gonna reach critical mass because you can’t push your own needs down anymore, and you’ll explode all over him like an atomic weapon. The fallout will change the landscape of your entire lives forever. Nuclear fuckingwinter.”
“Um. I don’t… That was…” I set my own burger down,untouched.
Parker sighed. “I may be projecting slightly.” He sucked on a tooth. “Did you know Jamie has a newboyfriend?”
I blinked, slightly dizzy from the conversational whiplash. Or maybe thealcohol.
“No, I didn’t know. Who? And sincewhen?”
“Some guy named Brian Carr from over in Camden.” He slid the plate back and forth along the counter. “Brian Carr.Fucking stupidname.”
