My throat closed. “No. No, Am. You can’t go. You’re the best person in this goddess-forsaken place. Everyone needs you.”
Her grip tightened. “No, I’m needed here, in the swamp. What’s more, I won’t let you sacrifice for me. Not anymore.”
“But I want to.”
“No. You’re scared.”
I reared back. Scared? This was the opposite of scared. I was offering up my life for hers. “No. Everyone dies. At least thisway, my existence is worth something.” I tried to pull away, but she held me in an iron grip. Goddess, when had she gotten so strong? And so...
I squinted. She looked different. Her eyes shone, but they’d also darkened, as if her proximity to Zephyrine had granted her new life. Brown ringed her irises, some ancient forest spirit peering out through her eyes. Even her hair shimmered with a suggestion of actual color. And I swore she’d gained weight in the last five minutes.
A smile curved her mouth. “My sweet friend. Mybestfriend. My sister. I don’t mean you’re scared of dying. I mean you’re scared of living.”
I startled. How ridiculous. “What’re you talking about?”
“Look at him.” She gestured toward the clearing.
I did. Now Kai had Vick on the ground, holding him down as Vick thrashed. Kai’s whole body strained, muscles bulging everywhere, and I saw what he’d meant about trying to pin a hellcat. He groped for the manacles, getting Vick halfway shackled. Kai dragged his screaming captive toward the forest, clearly aiming for a tree to anchor him to. The nightmare raged around them, shadows and lightning and violence.
But in here, we were safe. I turned back to Amryssa. “What about him?”
“You love him.”
I swallowed. “So?”
“But you’re afraid to let him love you. To let him choose you. You’re afraid to chooseyourself.”
My voice deserted me. Well, fuck me sideways. Maybe she had a point. All this desperate maneuveringdidfeel easier than the alternative. I wanted so badly to give myself up, because then I wouldn’t have to muster the courage to let her go. To march back out there and trust myself to matter enough to anchor my life around.
All this time, I’d made it about her, because that had been easier than making it about me.
“You know I’m right,” she said gently.
Tears threatened. I squeezed the knife, then opened my hand. It landed in the grass with a thud. When I glanced up, Zephyrine smiled knowingly. As if she’d orchestrated all this. Dreamed us all together here, just to lay this choice at our feet.
“I...” My voice broke. “But I love you, Am. I can’t lose you.”
“I love you, too.” Amryssa’s eyes seemed to darken by the moment, glowing with some new vitality. Even her skin looked healthier, her pallor fading as pigment blossomed in her cheeks. “But you won’t lose me. I’ll be right here. Zephyrine gifted my mother with our years together, but I never belonged out there. I’m part of this place. I...can’t explain it. I just know. I think I always knew, because that’s what the storms have always told me. And as much as you’ve neglected to put yourself first, so have I. I tried so hard to belong. To be what you wanted, what my father wanted. But I should’ve told you. I should’ve asked you to let me go.”
Tears spilled over, painting warmth down my cheeks. “You did, though. You asked me a thousand times, and I didn’t listen.”
Tenderness softened her face. “Will you listen now?”
The question filtered into my consciousness and settled, opening a wide, glossy expanse within me. Kai had finished with Vick and stood in the meadow, watching. Waiting, his expression taut, as if he understood exactly what was happening.
I studied Amryssa, tracing the familiar face of a friend I would gladly have gone to the ends of the earth for. My loyalty to her burned like a torch in my chest. Still. And following it had always been so easy. But maybe it was time to claim some of that light for myself.
“That’s what you want?” I said.
“It is.”
“But...Olivian’ll kill me. He’ll take my head off.”
“He’ll understand. Once you explain.”
Fear filled me, a familiar weight in my chest, so old and primal that it slotted into the base of my lungs as neatly as a drawn breath. But that fear had never gotten me anywhere. Nowhere I wanted to be, anyway.
My first instinct was to do violence, to rip it from my skeleton by force. But I let it settle. Let it find a home between my heartbeats. Then I whispered to it. I ran my fingers along its careworn hide and crooned.
