I lifted my chin and let him. He could look as deeply as he liked—there was nothing to find.
“That’s still what you want?” he finally said. “Even after all that?”
“It’ll always be what I want. Amryssa needs to go somewhere Zephyrine can’t reach her. And you need to go to Fairmont. Visit your last territory. Collect your last accent. You know, experience everything.”
“And then...what?” He shifted his weight. “Just never see my wife again?”
And there it was. The question that made my insides ice over. I was a frozen tundra, a blank white space awaiting the inscription of an answer.
Except Iknewthe answer, because it didn’t matter whether I wanted him, or if he wanted me. My duty was to Amryssa, first and foremost. Not to Kai, or even myself.
“Who knows?” I said, trying for levity. “Maybe we’ll run into each other again someday. Maybe when we’re eighty.”
His eyes darkened. “What if I don’t want to?”
I recoiled, more stung than I had any right to be. “Well, that’s rude. I mean, it’s one thing to think it, but you don’t have to say so.”
He waved a hand. “Don’t be absurd. I don’t mean I never want to see you again. I mean I want to leave here with you, not without.”
I weighed that. “As in...what? Disappeartogether?”
“Mmm-hmm. And since I know you won’t go anywhere without Amryssa, we could bring her with us. Go to Fairmont together. Because really, I’d like nothing more than to keep keeping you up all night. Even if the first time was the most wretched experience of my life.”
Thickness clogged my throat. I opened my mouth but couldn’t force anything out.
“Romantic, I know,” he said. “Try not to swoon.”
I couldn’t stop myself. Iwasswooning, succumbing to a rush that started in my toes and fountained upward. Except...no.
This was no different than Merron’s offer. A temptation that might promise bliss, but wouldn’t last, because nothing ever did. In the end, everyone always left me. Everyone but Amryssa.
“No.” I hated how broken I sounded. “I have to take Amryssa to Hightower, where she’ll be cared for. Not off on some lark to Fairmont, where anything might happen.”
He eyed me, speculative. “So you’re refusing me because I’m not a prince?”
“No. I love that you’re not a prince. I love—” I cut myself off, changing tack. “I like you better this way, actually. Now that the shock has worn off. I like knowing you’re like me and not like them. But I’m going to give Amryssa the best life I can, no matter the cost.”
“All right. Then I’ll go to Hightower with you.”
“What?” I squeaked. “No. You can’t.”
His brow furrowed. “Why not?”
“Because...well, look at you.” I waved a hand.
He glanced down, taking in his own awe-inspiring nudity. His expression betrayed not a sliver of comprehension.
“You look like Kyven but aren’t.” I rolled my hand in the air, trying to lead him to the obvious. “Don’t you think people would find that odd? Besides, Amryssa can’t lie. When peopleask questions, she’ll answer, and everyone will realize she never married Kyven at all. This whole thing would unravel.”
He crossed his arms and slitted his gaze. “You’ve thought this through.”
I picked at a stray thread fraying from the coverlet. “I have.” Maybe without actually meaning to. But if I agreed to be his, then what? I’d cease to be one of the challenges he loved so dearly, and his attention would wander.
Which would kill me. This time, being abandoned would actually kill me.
For long moments, Kai said nothing. When I looked up, speculation had dawned in his eyes.
“What?” I said, wary. “What’re you thinking?”
