We spent the night in the hut huddled together on the floor like two pieces of a whole that had been broken for years. Maybe like two colorful shards of glass from the Palace of Shards that had been glued back together.
When I awoke, Nathan was standing on the light-filled porch, checking his cell phone. Maybe he had reception here. For a moment, I thought of Dad and wondered what he was doing right now, but I quickly pushed the thought away.
I rose quietly and found my summer dress on a dusty dresser. I quickly slipped into it and was about to step outside when Nathan turned to me in only his jeans.
“Hey.” He smiled.
“Hey yourself!” The magic of the night still hovered between us like an electric charge running through my arms and legs. I walked toward him. When I stood in front of him, I put my hands on his chest, feeling the firm muscles and his heartbeat pounding under my palms, which made me happy.
“Will,” he whispered after a while and raised my head. “We have to go back.”
“I know.” I looked around wistfully. The air was peppered with the usual summer rain and the old hut was just the right size for two lovers. Right behind the porch separated only by the path and a narrow meadow, lay the swampy water on which a mirror of water lilies floated. I hadn’t noticed it in the darkness yesterday. I sighed deeply. I didn’t want to leave. Without letting go of him, I walked around him and ran my palms over his sun-warmed back. Now I did what I had wanted to do for a long time: look at the many names he had tattooed.
Those of his family were written larger.
Lea McCormack. Jacob McCormack. Coralie McCormack. John McCormack. In cursive, they extended across the shoulder blades, and soon, Nathan would have to add another—Isaac McCormack.
I pushed aside the fear those two words triggered in me and let my gaze wander. There were so many. So many names, so many lives lost and so many dreams buried.
“Sparta is still missing,” I said quietly.
“Stanton Foster. Yes. When this is over, he’ll have his place.”
“It wasn’t him, was it? I mean I don’t think he wanted to kill me. I haven’t thought that since I found out how sick he was and I don’t think he gave away our coordinates either.” With a strange feeling of shame, I ran my fingertips over the playfulLea. I noticed the numbers underneath again because it was the only name with numbers.
292119.2N 911638.2W
I even knew them by heart. And suddenly, perhaps because we had just been talking about Sparta, I had an inkling of what they meant. The N and the W were the clues that I should have figured out earlier. “The numbers under your sister’s name—they’re coordinates too, aren’t they?”
“They’re the coordinates of the place where I gave her to the swamp. A memory.”
Even though we had gotten so close tonight, I didn’t know what to say. Nathan, however, didn’t seem to mind. He turned to me, framed my face with his hands, and kissed me. This time so tenderly and lightly that I wanted to cry again. My longing for him flared immediately, so strong that I couldn’t think properly anymore. I wanted to let myself go, but at the same time, a new awkwardness gripped me because I didn’t deserve him if my father was guilty. How could we love each other uninhibitedly when he had a memorial on his back with my family’s blood on it?
How long would it be before he asked himself the same question?
Nathan backed away and looked at me searchingly. “What is it?”
“Your back,” I said honestly. “Your family’s blood is on my hands. Your back is a memorial of it.”
He shook his head vigorously. “It’s merely a reminder so we don’t forget the dead, not a memorial.”
I swallowed.
“How many times do I have to tell you that it’s not your fault.”
“I was never interested in Dad’s business. Maybe I would have noticed something if I had asked.”
“And you think your father would have told you? Never, Will. Surely, he always wanted to be the good guy to you.”
That was true. And he always had been.
Would I have stayed with Dad if I had known all this? What would I have said to him, and above all, how would he have explained it to me? Would I have moved in with Grandma Anna? Was my love for him conditional on him being a good person? But what kind of love was that?
I didn’t know, but I didn’t have a chance to think about it any further because Nathan kissed me again. Longingly and deeper than before.
We made love again on the porch, and I was still in a state of euphoria when we reached Lost Memories.
Troy was waiting on the dock. He calmly took the rope that Nathan gave him and tied a figure-eight knot on the cleat. He said nothing, which was a bit scary, but he watched closely as Nathan and I climbed out of the boat.
