“Did you love her?” Doug asked. “Because I didn’t love my first wife. I thought I knew what love was, or what I wanted it to look like, but it wasn’t that.”
“She was pregnant. With my baby.”
“So was Mary. But she miscarried. And then everything went to shit.”
A day didn’t go by where Foster didn’t conjure up happy memories of his daughter. Lisa loved life. She was a happy kid, despite Victoria’s addiction. Foster knew he would have ended up divorced even if the fire had never happened. He stayed with Victoria for as long as he did for the sake of his child.
In hindsight, he realized that was a mistake.
He carried that guilt in his heart. It cut deep into his soul.
“What is it that you’re honestly afraid of?” Doug asked.
“That’s a long list, man,” Foster said. “I know I need to make some changes and I did something that pushes me into living life again, but I worry it might be a huge mistake.” Foster kept his focus on a sailboat tacking across the bay in the slight westerly breeze.
“That’s cryptic.”
Foster chuckled. “This is uncomfortable for me to talk about. I’ve spent the last seven years trying to keep my life as private as possible. I’ve avoided relationships and friendships, but in the last couple of years, I’ve developed deeper connections.”
“I hope you consider me a close friend.”
“I do. The best. You and Jim have been very good to me.” Foster nodded. “It’s just that when it comes to women, I don’t know how to do anything other than small talk and tomorrow I’m going on a date. I’m totally out of my element.”
“Tonya?”
“How’d you know I was taking her out?”
“You and she are about as obvious as Stacey and I were.” Doug laughed. “Everyone can see that there’s something between the two of you. Even if you don’t.”
Foster took a gulp of his beverage. It wasn’t so much that he cared if people knew. Or thought the two of them should be a couple. The problem was, he wasn’t sure he could do more than prove to himself this wasn’t a good idea. Or maybe there wasn’t a love connection because he couldn’t be all in. He still had this weird sense of obligation to his ex-wife he couldn’t shake.
“I can see it bothers you that I—and others—have noticed you have an affection for Tonya.”
“I guess it does a little. I thought I was being private about my feelings. She wasn’t totally shocked, but she was thrown for a loop that I wanted to go out with her. What I’m struggling with right now is twofold. I’m worried I’m going to end up hurting Tonya because I’m a broken man. And I have no idea how to handle myself on a date other than we’re going on a picnic.”
“You’re not as broken as you think you are,” Doug said. “Going on this date is a step in the right direction, so let’s focus on that. Are you going on the lake?”
“Yeah,” Foster said. “I’m packing fried chicken and all the fixings. I thought we’d go cliff jumping too. But I have no idea what to talk about or how to act. I seriously haven’t taken out a woman since my daughter died. I’m not kidding.”
“Wow.” Doug stared at him with wide eyes. “Okay. What do you and Tonya normally talk about?”
“Her clients. Wedding stuff. This house and what I should do with it. Tayla and her boutique and clothing lines. Tiki and her publishing career. Occasionally we get into Victoria and all of that, but I honestly try to avoid the conversation. However, Tonya does most of the chatting. But it all feels so strange now. The pressure that’s sitting on the center of my chest is making it hard to breathe. I feel like I need to be the one in the driver’s seat and I don’t like that sensation.”
“When Stacey and I first got together, things were intense. It shifted so quickly that it felt like I got hit by a train.”
“I can’t say the same.” Foster glanced toward the sky, noting the position of the Big Dipper. “I’ve been hyperaware of her for a long time and I know she’s had feelings for me. But because of my situation and the way I am, she’s always given me space. And I’ve taken it. I’ve been secretly hoping some man will come and sweep her off her feet, but at the same time, I get jealous of the idea.”
“What changed and set this date in motion?”
“Her sister’s wedding, for one, and why should she sit around and wait for me to make a move? I was never going to do it.”
“No offense, man, but that just kind of makes you an asshole,” Doug said. “Especially considering the fact that you do care about her.”
Foster didn’t entirely agree with that statement. “When my daughter died, I wasn’t sure I could ever have any kind of life again. I’m honestly still not sure I can, which is another reason I’m concerned about this date.”
“Have you told Tonya that?”
“No,” Foster admitted.
