“We, uh…”
“My God, T, I know what grown people do at night. Were you having sex?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay, and how much blood?”
“A lot.”
We rush back to the west wing, and Maya stops in a storage closet for some pads. When we get back to my room, she walks right into the bathroom while I head for Willa’s suitcase.
“Willa, honey, it’s Maya. How you feelin’?”
“Um, I don’t…there’s so much. It won’t stop.”
“Breathe for me, alright? Is it okay if I take a peek in the shower, just to see how much bleeding there is?”
“Please.”
I slip Willa’s clothes on the bathroom vanity, and my adrenaline takes me straight to the bed to strip it down.
“Okay, honey, I’m going to help you get onto the toilet. Trevor brought you some clothes.”
“I’ll make a mess all over the floor.”
“Don’t you worry about that right now. Let’s just focus on you.”
Each word lands like a boulder in my stomach, and my fingers tremble as I struggle to release the sheet from the corners of the bed. I trip over the bedspread crumpled on the floor and crash my leg into the nightstand, sending a pitcher of water flying. “Shit.”This is your fault.All of it. I stoop to gather the shards of glass, dropping them in the garbage bin in the corner, and stay there, eyes sweeping over the chaos in the room.You did this.None of this would be happening if youweren’t here.
I’ve been in therapy long enough to realize the words screaming through my mind right now don’t belong to me. I recognize my birth father’s voice, but rational thought never mixes well with panic. Maya steps out of the bathroom, and when she sees me in the corner, her face morphs into the protective older sister who always kept me safe in the closet.
“I’m gonna grab my things and head to the clinic. I need you to bring her as soon as she’s done getting dressed. We’ll get her all checked out.” Maya puts a hand on my arm, and I try to swallow past the thick lump in my throat. “T, it’s not your fault.”
“Okay.”
She gives my arm a squeeze and pulls me toward the bed. I stare at the glow seeping from under the bathroom door, a spotlight illuminating the trail of crimson on the floor. Maya stops me when I turn to grab the discarded washcloth from the pile of bedsheets. “Clean later, T. She needs you right now. You can fall apart after we know what’s going on.” She waves in front of my face. “Look at me, Trevor.” I slide my eyes to hers, but can’t really say that I see them, not as clearly as the memory replaying in my mind.A lamp crashing into the wall above my head.A trickle of blood dripping down my face to the carpet.A deep,berating voice doling out blame. Maya snaps her fingers in front of me. “You didn’t do anything wrong. This isn’t your fault. Tell me you hear me.”
“I hear you.” My voice sounds miles away, and she snaps in my face one more time before I’m able to shake it off. “I hear you, My. We’ll meet you at the clinic.”
Once I get Willa to the car, I crank up the heat and grab the ice scraper. The stifling cold clears my head enough for logic to peek through.Panicking won’t help right now.Get Willa to the clinic.We won’t know anything until that happens.The roads are icy,and I need to get her there in one piece.Keep it together.
Sliding back into the car, I pause at the music filtering through the speakers. While I calmed myself outside, Willa synced up my comfort playlist. Despite wringing her hands together, shehas a serene look on her face. I want to pull her to me. Wrap my hand around hers to still her fingers. I want to protect her from this, but how do you protect someone from the very thing you caused?Everything was fine until you showed up. The grating voice swallows up my instinct, and I pull my hand in a fist to keep from hurting Willa any more than I already have. We let the ’90s ballads fill in around us, and keep quiet the entire drive downtown.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
WILLA
“Has the flow slowed down?” Maya asks as I step into the exam room from the bathroom. I only have the energy to nod and climb on the exam table. “Okay, let’s see what’s going on.” She smooths the cool gel over my stomach, and I tense, grimacing at the sensation. She wrinkles her nose. “Sorry. You were at the door before I could flip the warmer on.”
My eyes sweep over the colorful pregnancy and anatomy posters on the wall, each one increasing my anxiety for what we’re about to see.Why me?Why now? The room is painted a buttery yellow, which somehow makes this all so much worse. Closing my eyes, I focus on the scratchy pad in my underwear that’s been rubbing against me in all the wrong places since I put it on. The initial gushing slowed before we left the house, so it’s chafing everywhere. I haven’t used one of these since I was a teenager. Now I remember every sweaty reason why I changed to a menstrual cup as soon as I could.
“Any cramping?” Maya asks, waving the wand around.
“Not really.” I glance over my shoulder at Trevor, who watches from the corner with a hand over his mouth. The way he’s staring at the monitor, it’s like I’m not even here.
“And you’re sixteen weeks?”
“A little over.”
