“Youcan.” The conviction in his voice briefly cuts through my panic, curling around my heart as if he understands what I’m battling inside.
But how can he?I don’t even understand it myself.
Taking a tentative step, he reaches for me, and I know he’s about to do the one thing we can’t take back. Use the words that changeeverything. “You’re smart?—”
Don’t say it...
“—and strong. Resilient.”
Please no...
“I know you, Ashlie. Like the back of my fucking hand.” He takes another step, and I have to tilt my head back to see him. “I know you, and I lov??—”
“Please, don’t!” The strangled cry rips from my throat, my chest heaving breathlessly. “Don’t say it…”
Dropping his head in his hands, Hunter lets out a groan that reverberates through me. I feel every bit of it clawing at my chest, begging me to put him out of his misery. With a shoulder-raising breath, his arms fall to his sides in a surrendering pose. The wounded look in his eyes pins me in place. “Why. Fucking. Not?” He punctuates each word with a brusque staccato, his stare unwavering.
“Because I’ll ruin it!” My heart plummets as I realize I have no more excuses left. Nothing but the truth. I’m always the common denominator.It’s me.I close my eyes briefly to expel the thought, but it echoes.
“Wha—Ash…”
“I will.” Nodding quickly, I blink away the spill of tears. “I always do…” The doubts I’ve pushed away for a lifetime come rushing to the surface, crashing together until they shout at me, you’ll never be enough. “I don’t think I’m ready.” It comes out as a whisper but is somehow just as loud as the yelling from before.
He places a hand on my waist as the other tucks a curl behind my ear. I groan at the tweak in my ankle when he pulls me against him and brace my arms against his chest. It would be the easiest thing to say yes to him right now. Jump in recklessly like I always do. My head is filled with a raging river of confliction, the battle between the easy choice and the right one volleying in my mind. But those cool green irises convey so much amid the silence. Warmth. Support.Love. It’s like gravity itself is pulling me into his orbit until we’re only a whisper away. With one glance that threatens to shoot me into oblivion, he crushes his mouth to mine. Heated desperation simmers from him, igniting at our tangled lips until I’m clutching his shirt in my fists.
His kiss has always hushed all the noise inside of me, and without a second thought, I kiss him back. The slow stroke of his tongue lulls me into a trance, claiming, declaring,pleading. As his thumb comes to rest on my cheek, I desperately want to hold on to this feeling with him. This place where doubts and fear disappear, and we’re floating together against space and time. It means the world. Another sweet peck on my lips, and he rests his forehead against mine. “You hold all the cards here, Ashlie. You always have. What do you need to feel ready?”
When I open my mouth to speak, one last thought scourges my mind.He deserves more. And that’s the clincher. Failing the one person who’s always been on my side is too much to bear. Doing what I’ve always done, being the way I’ve always been—it will only end in devastation. I can’t do it anymore. Not to him. That morsel of resolve nestles in my head until it’s the only thing that makes sense. My heart races as my trembling fingers slide his hand from my cheek. “I need some space.”
“Fuck,” he murmurs through gritted teeth, flinching as if my words slapped him across the face.
“Hey…” I secure his head in my hands and guide it back to mine. “Look at me, Hunter.” Despite the tear trailing down my cheek, I give him a small smile, hoping it will ease the confusion in his eyes. “This isn’t about you. It’s me.”
“Ash…”
“Just…let me get this out. Please?”
His eyebrows cinch, but he nods and waits.
I flick the newest tear and take a deep breath. “I’m a floundering disaster, Hunt?—”
“You’re not…” He shakes his head emphatically.
“Iam.Look at us right now. We’ve been yelling in a hotel hallway because picking fights with you is easier than dealing with myself.” Swiping my face, I straighten my shoulders with the confidence I don’t feel. “None of this is fair to you. Dragging you into my mess when you’ve worked so hard to change yours—it’s not the right way to start a relationship together. I need a little space to figure it all outwithout”—I wave my hands around us—“all of this.”
He pulls away and drags a palm down his face. “So what? A couple of days to breathe?”
I bite my lip. “I’m asking for a month.”
“A month?” He scoffs. “That’s more than ‘a littlefuckingspace,’ Ashlie!”
“We still had a month before the bet was over anyway.”
“Naw, fuck the stupid-ass bet.”
“You asked what I need, Hunt. Just…give me four weeks to sort some things out. To work on myself. We can reassess after the wedding…” My voice trails as I hesitate to deliver the option to walk away from all of this. But it wouldn’t be right if I didn’t. “…And if you don’t want to wait for me, if you want to move on, I… That’s okay too.”
He tips his head back and blows his frustration to the ceiling. Several emotions scroll across his face. “Those are my only choices? Space or move on?”
