“Naw, it needs to be tonight.”
Frustration hisses between my teeth, my words sounding more intense than I intend. “Why, Hunt? I’m tired and confu?—”
“We’re doing this! Right now!”
My face heats when he cuts me off. The sea of anxiety I’ve been treading all night is quickly replaced with a vat of indignation. Why he thinks forcing a heart-to-heart will work is beyond me. Folding my arms tightly against my chest, I lean on the door for balance. “Oh, so talking it out is only allowed on your terms, huh? Where was this energy when you were pissed off all morning?”
Hands balling into fists in his pockets, he sets his jaw and meets my glare. For several seconds, the silence bounces off the walls. The tension twists to an undeniable strain, neither of us willing to let go.
Then a flash of vulnerability softens his face, leaving just as quickly with a shake of his head. “I wasn’t pissed.”
“You can’t admit it, can you?” I taunt. My fatigue gives way to low-hanging pettiness. Consequences be damned, I let it lead. “You’re so guarded with your emotions that you can’t even?—”
“Hell yeah, I’m mad!” He scrubs his face with his hands before looking back at me. “I’ve had to watch you with him all weekend, Ashlie! Had to push away my own feelings because that’s the way you wanted it.”
“You’rethe one who told me to keep seeing him, Hunter!”
“Naw, don’t put that on me. I told you to do what makes you happy.Youchose to keep seeing him.”
“Yeah, well, he’s not?—”
“Were you ever going to tell me about the wedding?” Heat radiates as he steps toward me. “Or just make me watch you hang all over him again?”
“Trevor and I?—”
“Do you want to be with me?”
“FUCK! Stop talking over me!” I throw my hands in the air, but quickly grab the doorframe when I start to wobble. Hunter reaches out to help, and I stop him with a scowl. His nostrils flare as he watches me, fingers twitching like they’re aching to touch me. I know I’m deflecting andshouldmake it clear that it’s over with Trevor, but now I don’t want him to have the satisfaction. He’s coming at me like we’re in a boxing ring, where my only means of fighting back is to bob, weave, and avoid. Expecting his next words to match my intensity, I purse my lips, ready for everything to ignite.
But it fizzles when he cocks his head instead, eyes flicking around my face. The air seeps from my lungs when his pinched expression eases into realization. That undeniable intensity is back in his stare.Love. My eyes dart away, but it doesn’t help; he’s still reading me like a goddamn book.
“…You didn’t answer the question.”
You already have someone who knows you.
Willa’s words assault my mind, and I don’t even attempt to respond to Hunter. What could I say? I’m not fooling anyone at this point—not even myself. But admitting I want to be with him twists me up inside, threatens to blow open the hatch and release the shadows I’m clinging to. I bite my lip as my mind races to find a way to reverse all of this. Uncross the line I begged to erase in Fort Bender. Pretend I don’t know how it feels to be his. I want him safely back in the friendship box, but his eyebrow arches like he expects me to lie, and I realize it’s too late. We couldn’t go back if we tried. Not in a million years.You’ve already ruined it.
His humorless snort pulls me from my spiral, and I brace myself for whatever comes next. “I might not be the best at communicating my feelings, but at least I’m not lying to myself about what I want.”
Don’t fucking cry. I swallow the thick coil of emotion, but my voice shakes anyway. “What the hell isthatsupposed to mean?”
“It means I’m right fucking here, Ashlie!” Gruff frustration rattles in his throat, and all I can do is stand here and take it. “You’d rather dive heart first into these shallow relationships when, deep down, you know they’ll never give the depth you need. Meanwhile, I’ve been here for months, giving you everything you say you want—everything I have—and you’re pretending not to see it.Choosingnot to. I’m fighting for what we could be, Ash. Everyone else sees it; why can’t you?”
You’re a disappointment.
There it is. The reason I’m so afraid this won’t work. Those nagging insecurities spring to my head so loudly, I wince. Hunter’s changed for the better, changed forme,and I’m still the anxiety-ridden mess who can’t face her silly little fears.You don’t deserve him.He’s done so much for you, and you ignored it all.Selfish.I shift uncomfortably as the thought grows to a roar, and when I look in his eyes, my defensive response dies in my throat.
He takes a deep breath, eyebrows drooping with a pleading agony. “I know you’re still in your head about my motives after our fight, and I get it. You’re used to striking out with guys and jumping to conclusions so no one can control you, like Bryan. But I don’t want to break you like he did, Ash. I want to be the one you run to when everything feels broken. I’m not him. Hell, I’m not even the old me anymore.”He hasn’t been for a while.
“…But I’m still the old me.” My voice shakes as I blink away tears.Selfish.
“I didn’t… That’snotwhat I’m saying…”
Look at what you’re doing to him.
The way he’s staring at me, like he’s both fed up and can’t get enough, threatens to smother the confusing inferno burning me up inside. But I’m drenched with worry that I’ve fucked everything up beyond repair, consumed by doubts having nothing to do with him. All I’m left with is a fear so raw, it feels like a second skin.Everything is your fault.
“Hunt…” I puff out a shaky breath, teetering as I try to balance on my good ankle. Air whizzes from my lips in short spurts, the edges of my vision blurring. “I don’t want—” My breath catches, and I shake my head, searching for the words I’ve never been able to admit out loud. “Ican’t?—”
