‘If you want my opinion, I think Reid has a lot to answer for too. But from what you’ve said about your own experiences, I think he will come to that conclusion himself. But, whatever you do, don’t go running back to Mistford, eh? You’d be missed.’
Juliette smiled. ‘Thank you. I won’t… not yet anyway.’
17
A few days passed and Juliette got the feeling that Reid was avoiding coming down to the village. With Evin away, she wondered if he had maybe lost his anchor. It seemed the child was the only thing keeping him going on some days. She hadn’t seen him, even from a distance, but how could she blame him? She had been weighing up the pros and cons of going to see him. Perhaps shecouldhelp? From her own experiences, there were so many books she could recommend.
During the evenings, she spent time researching the best books on mental health that were specifically aimed at men, seeing as it was a fairly taboo subject for many. It sounded as if Reid subscribed to the “shut up and get on with it” mentality which helped no one. She dreamed of a day when such matters were discussed as casually and easily as chickenpox or the flu.
Eventually, she narrowed her book choices down to two. She hovered her finger over the purchase button several times and chickened out at the last minute. He already thought she was an interfering busybody and she wasn’t going to help her situation at all by adding fuel to that particular fire.
She questioned her reasons for caring so much. As he had pointed out, she was only going to be here temporarily, so it didn’t really affect her, going forward. Except she knew, deep down, that, for some strange reason, it did. Just knowing a tiny part of what he might be going through made her desperate to help him. She wouldn’t wish that cloud of darkness and the accompanying feeling of despair on her worst enemy. It was like being at the bottom of a well, unable to see daylight and having no energy to climb out. If she could help him avoid going there, she had a duty to do so.
When she had been going through depression, she had lost count of the number of people who had told her tocheer uporlook on the bright side. She had rapidly realised some sad truths at the time: first and foremost, that what many people don’t seem to understand about depression is that it isn’t a life choice. You can’t simplysnap out of itor just decide one day to be happy. You can’t justcheer upandlook on the bright side, because when you’re in the depths of hopelessness thereisno bright side. When you’re looking around and wondering if the world would be a better place without you in it, youcan’tcount your blessings and be glad to be alive. If only itwasthat easy.
If Reid was anywhere close to feeling as low as she once had, she knew he needed help before it was too late.
* * *
Juliette’s role at the Lifeboat House Museum continued to be an education. Each spare moment she had was spent reading the displays and getting to know all about the place her mother spent her childhood. With each visitor to the museum came a different personal story and reason for them being there, whether it was pure intrigue, a family connection or just passing through. She was loving it for the most part. But she wondered how Reid was and what he was up to. Was he painting perhaps? She hoped so. After seeing his work, she would hate to think of such a talent being stifled by sadness and loneliness. She was still trying to pluck up the courage to make the first step and visit him. But her behaviour the last time she had spoken to him was still in the forefront of her mind. What if he told her to get lost?
Wednesday evening was warm and, once the museum was closed, she ate a quick dinner and decided to go for another walk. It was becoming a routine for her after her nightly phone calls home. She walked towards the little church beside the field and found a peaceful memorial garden at the opposite side. An abundance of wildflowers surrounded stones and plaques and the constant droning of bees merrily carrying on with their work resonated around her. She wandered around reading the gravestones, looking for hints of her mother’s family name and found a couple of McLeods buried there. It was a balmy evening and she was grateful for the large trees that afforded a little shade. There was a wrought-iron bench placed against the wall for contemplation. She took a seat and sat in silence for a while.
‘Oh, Laurie, I wish you were here. There are so many things I’ve needed to talk to you about since I arrived in Glentorrin. Funny stories mostly. But there are other things too… I’m terrified of betraying your memory, you see. I miss you so much, but I know I have to move on, and I think that’s the scariest part. I… I felt things for Reid when we danced, you see. Please, forgive me. It’s been so long since I’ve felt a man’s arms around me, and it felt good. But that makes me hate myself. Maybe that’s why I was so quick to snap at him? I don’t know. But I regret it so much. I want to help him, but after how I’ve behaved, I’m worried he’ll just turn me away. You were always my voice of reason. You always had solutions. But this is one thing you can’t help me with. If you were here, I wouldn’t even be thinking like this. But you’re not here. You never will be. However hard it is, Laurie, I have to accept that you’re gone, and that I don’t want to be alone.’ She sighed deeply and closed her eyes for a moment, listening to the birdsong and letting the warm rays of the sun warm her skin through the gaps in the leaves. ‘Anyway, you’d love this place, Laurie. I think it’s just how you expected Skye to be. Beautiful, peaceful, healing. I know I’m going to miss it when it’s time to go home.’
‘Jules? Are you okay?’ She jumped and turned to see Evin and Chewie standing further along the wall in the shade of the trees.
‘Oh, Evin, you’re back from your mum’s!’ She beamed at her young friend.
He glanced around her in search of something. ‘Who were you talking to? A ghost?’
She laughed lightly. ‘Not really. I was just talking to Laurie. My husband.’
Evin’s eyes widened and he looked around eagerly. ‘Oh! Where is he?’
She cringed, this was something that hadn’t come up before and she wasn’t sure how to explain. ‘Oh, no, erm… he’s… he died.’
Evin crumpled his brow. ‘So, youweretalking to a ghost?’
She shook her head and smiled. ‘No. Just to his memory, I suppose.’
Evin walked towards her and Chewie followed obediently. ‘But he can’t answer you, can he?’ The look in his eyes was a combination of fear and intrigue.
‘Sadly, no. But I find it helps to talk to him sometimes. Even though he can’t talk back.’ She shrugged in search of a fitting explanation. ‘It makes me feel closer to him.’
Evin pondered her words. ‘Oh. I didn’t know you were supposed to do that when people died.’ He fell silent and tilted his face up to the sun. After a few moments, he returned his attention to her. ‘Sometimes I miss my grandma, and I wish I could talk to her. Especially when something badorgoodorfunny has happened. Dad doesn’t always have the time to listen to me going on and on.’ He rolled his eyes and grinned to make light of his comment, but Juliette felt for the boy.
‘Well, then you should find a quiet place to sit and talk to her.’
‘Can I sit with you for a minute?’ he asked politely.
‘Of course.’
He lowered himself to the bench and they sat in silence for a while, enjoying the peacefulness of the location. ‘Do you think you’ll get married again one day?’ he asked out of the blue, as children were wont to do.
‘Oh, gosh.’ She laughed, taken aback by his directness. ‘It’s not something I’ve thought much about, but honestly? I… I really don’t know.’
He turned to face her with pleading in his eyes. ‘Peopledoget married again though, don’t they, after divorces and things? They do get to be happy again, don’t they? I mean, my mum did, but that was…different, I suppose.’
