‘Did he ever once appear to blame you? Did he ever, even in anger, tell you that any of this was your fault?’
‘No. He… he didn’t get angry.’ She’d smiled. ‘He just wanted to love me right until the end.’
‘So, the only person who appears to blame you…’
‘Is me.’
‘Now, turn the tables. Take a different perspective, as if you were a bystander and you were looking in on this situation. Would you blame the person in your shoes?’
Silence.
‘As an outsider looking in on this situation, what would you say to the person in your shoes? Be completely honest, this is a safe place, remember.’
She’d thought about things for a moment and tried to step out of her own shoes into those of someone watching this situation unfold as he had suggested. She lifted her chin. ‘If I was observing… I’d say… you didn’t do this. You did all you could, but you couldn’t have changed the ending. So, don’t feel guilty and don’t let it weigh you down. Think of the happy times. Because there were so,somany happy times.’ More tears had spilled over and trickled down her damp cheeks. ‘Think of the love you shared and how special it was to have known him. To have been loved by him.’
Michael had sat up straight once more. ‘Can you turn that outward dialogue inwards, Jules? I don’t mean right this second. But can you try, until we next meet, to remind yourself of what you’ve just told that person you were addressing just then?’
‘I… I can try.’
‘Take as long as you need. But keep saying it. Make it your mantra. And keep focusing on the things he did that made you laugh. Things you did that made him laugh. All the things that made you fall in love with each other in the first place. Those are the things to cling to.’
Looking back now, she was grateful that this experience had helped her to deal with her grief and to release herself from the shackles of the guilt she’d been carrying around since Laurie’s passing. But she hated that she hadn’t had that foresight to recognise the symptoms in Reid.
Luckily for Juliette, when she had stopped eating, stopped washing and was barely functioning, she’d had people around her who insisted she sought help; when she had, it was as if a light had been switched on. She wasn’t one to pour her heart out to people, except for Laurie, but having a therapist just listen to her was the beginning of climbing out of the darkest place she had ever been. She hoped that Reid was on the cusp of a similar breakthrough and she vowed that, whilst she was here, at least, she would do whatever she could to help.
‘Good morning, hen. How are you? Enjoying your day off?’ Juliette turned to meet Morag’s warm expression, but hers clearly didn’t shine in return as Morag sat down quickly. ‘Whatever’s the matter, Jules? You look like you’re on the verge of tears.’
Juliette sniffed and dabbed at her eyes with her free hand. ‘Oh, I’ve just been putting my foot in it. I seem to be a bloody expert these days. Especially where Reid MacKinnon is concerned.’
‘Fancy coming for a cuppa and you can tell me all about it?’
Juliette shook her head. ‘Oh, goodness no, I’ll be fine, honestly. I’m not going to keep you onyourday off.’
Morag stood and waved a dismissive hand. ‘Och, pish. Come on. Kenneth’s in the shop today, so I’m free as a bird. And it looks like you might need a friendly ear.’
Despite her words to the contrary, Juliette was relieved to have some company. And as Morag linked her arm, she felt a wave of affection for the woman who had made her so welcome.
Once they were seated at the kitchen table with a fresh pot of Earl Grey before them, Morag spoke. ‘Out with it. What’s he done now?’
Juliette cringed. ‘It’s not what Reid has done. This one’s all on me. He was his usual self and I took offence and told him some home truths. Now I feel sick and wish I was at home in Mistford.’
‘Oh, it cannae be that bad, hen. Tell me all about it.’
Juliette relayed the way she had advised Evin about the talent show and how she had commented to Reid about his worries, and how Reid had, quite rightly, told her she was interfering in things she knew nothing about.
Once she was finished, she rested her head in her hands as tears pricked at her eyes, guilt eating away at her. She wished she could turn back the clock and start this whole thing all over again. From day one and her first encounter with him. Sticking her nose in other people’s business wasn’t something she’deverdone before, so why now? Why Reid? The night they had danced together, she had felt so alive, so giddy. She couldn’t deny she had enjoyed it; enjoyedhim. But then, why had she been so harsh today? It was clear he was in pain and the last thing she would ever deliberately do is hurt someone. In addition, she wasn’t a single parent, so had no right to judgeorto speak ill of someone who was. Her heart squeezed when she thought about the expression on Reid’s face after her series of unnecessary and cruel words.
Morag sighed. ‘I think you’re being too harsh on yoursel’, dear. I think you reacted just how I would have, if I’m honest. I know he’s been through a lot, but you don’t know all the details, no one does, because he won’t talk about it. And you cannae help what you don’t know.’
‘Promise me you won’t breathe a word of this to anyone, Morag. I don’t want to add gossip to the list of reasons he hates me.’
Morag held up both hands. ‘I give you my word. And you’re not gossiping. That infers you’re making things up for the drama, and clearly this has affected you. But I think perhaps he could use a friend right now. And I think perhapsyoumight be the perfect candidate.’
Juliette shook her head. ‘There’s no way he would want that now. I’ve blown it.’
‘Oh, I think you may be wrong there. I know the Reid MacKinnon from before Kate happened to him. He was such a caring man. He’d give the food from his plate if he thought someone was going hungry. And that boy is his life now. Give it a day or so and see what happens. But I think he may see the error of his own ways.’
‘It was me who was in the wrong, Morag. I take full responsibility.’
