Theo releases the counter, and in two steps, he’s standing in front of me. I keep my eyes down, staring at where his denim-clad thighs brush against my knees. I don’t want to look up because it’s going to hurt—all of this hurts. Theo doesn’t give me a choice. He tucks his finger beneath my chin and lifts it until I’m looking in his eyes.
“You aren’t cold, Lily, and don’t let me or anyone else in this town make you believe that. You are perfect exactly how you are.”
“I called social services,” I admit. Theo sighs, stepping back and letting his hand drop so we are no longer touching.
“I know.”
“You do?”
He nods but doesn’t look at me. “Yeah. They took Mia this morning. Morgan refuses to speak to me.”
Remorse sits heavy in my gut. “I didn’t make that call to be malicious. I wanted to give them their best chance.”
Theo’s hand rubs against his jawline, weariness visible in every part of him. “I know,” he says sadly, “but I don’t think their best chance included not being able to see each other.”
I blink. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“It doesn’t matter,” Theo says, shaking his head. He drags in a deep breath before he continues, “Look, I came here to apologize, but you’ve only heard part of my apology. I—I lied to you.”
I curl my shoulders in around the pain. “About what?”
My voice doesn’t sound like mine. It sounds like a girl who was fool enough to hand over the pieces of her heart.
“When we made our deal, I promised not to fall in love with you, but I lied. From the moment I laid eyes on you, I knew you’d be impossible not to fall in love with. It’s why I call you hopeless because I knew it would be hopeless to fight against my addiction to you. I love you, and the only thing I’m sorry for is breaking my promise.”
My whole world stops, and then it breaks because Theo’s love for me is a heartbreak I never saw coming.
“You can’t,” I deny, shaking my head so hard parts of my bun fall into my face. Panic squeezes at my chest, and tears slip from my eyes. “You can’t love me.”
Theo’s chuckle is devoid of emotion. There’s no light in his eyes like there should be when you love someone, not like when Hayes looks at MJ. “But I do, Lily, and that’s not something I can change because you don’t want me to. I just—I’m sorry I broke my promise, but loving you is like breathing. I couldn’t stop it if I tried.”
With every word he says, I sink deeper and deeper into a devastation that will last for the rest of my life. Theo watches me, waiting for me to return his love. And I do, but it’s because I do that I have to send him away. I couldn’t handle it if our love became the penance we paid.
“I—I think that we should end this.”
A muscle jumps in Theo’s jaw, and I wait for him to argue. Ineedhim to argue, to see past my mask, but with one resolute nod, he seals both our fates.
Leaning forward, he places a soft, sweet kiss against my lips, and I close my eyes, soaking it in. As far as kisses go, it’s chaste, no explodingchemistry or electric currents running over my skin. It’s goodbye, and I’m the one forcing him to leave.
______________________
I stay in bed for two more days, and if I thought the pain was bad before, it is nothing compared to what it is after Theo left.
Everything hurts. My head. My heart. My soul.
My mom calls several times during those days, and for the first time since I left, I think about answering because I know what it’s like to feel her pain. In the end, though, I let the phone ring.
The only difference between before Theo’s visit and after is that I finally acknowledge the pain. My entire life, I’ve kept it locked behind a door, afraid that if I let it out, it would consume me, but even steel-enforced walls are not enough to keep this pain at bay.
It bleeds out of me, leaking onto my skin like the color of red lipstick, and on the third day, I use the color to write my pain into words.
I write it all down, every heartbreak and disappointment, starting with the day of my sixth birthday.
Writing down all the things I should have said to my mom growing up and looking back on all the choices I didn’t make is cathartic in a way, but in the end, they are just words on paper. They don’t change my choices or the places they have led me.
The ink is still drying when another knock comes at my door. It’s dark outside now, so I can’t see who stands on the other side, but I can make out the shadowy figure of a man. My heart leaps, thinking Theo has come back, but then the figure turns, and I realize it’s that of a boy, not yet a man.
Opening the door, I find Tanner standing on the porch, his shoulders slung forward and his head hanging down. My chest aches as I mark every similarity he has to his dad. The shade of his hair. A dimple at the corner of his mouth. The way a sense of tragedy seems to cling to his shoulders. Each similarity steals my breath as I think about whatTheo said.
