Chapter 15
Alice watched Bear a lot over the next couple of days. She watched him stare out of the window, lie down only to get up and move somewhere else a short while later, walk up to her with hope in his eyes and an endless stream of toys he wanted her to play with, bump into her furniture and curl himself awkwardly around doorways.
‘We’re like birds trapped in a cage, you and me,’ she told him on the Tuesday afternoon before his last puppy training class. ‘Only we’re not two budgies, we’re two bloomin’ great barn owls.’
Bear signed with resignation.
‘I’m just sad all the time, and you didn’t sign up for that, did you? You should have a big, happy home and lots of space and light and freedom to grow into those silly great paws. Because you’re still growing, you’re going to get bigger and bigger and it’s not fair to keep you here. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.’
She was tired, and didn’t have any fight left in her. Bear climbed up next to her on the sofa, uninvited, and nudged his strong nose under her arm until it lifted over him. He pushed his face super-close to hers and licked her face, which was gross but also a little bit comforting.
‘Are you being a therapy dog now?’ she choked, a small laugh escaping. ‘That’s nice of you but I’m a lost cause. I don’t want to have to be strong any more.’
She’d once been a big fan of change and adventure. If she could find that spirit again, surely that would be better than giving up?
‘I think I need to leave London.’
‘Leave?’ Alice’s mum looked up from gazing proudly at Bear’s dog school graduation certificate that he’d been given the night before.
‘We don’tfithere any more,’ Alice explained, pouring them both a cup of tea.
Liz, who was visiting for the night, put down the certificate. ‘Do you think you’ll be happier somewhere else?’
Alice shrugged. ‘I think I need to try.’
‘I think moving is a very good idea, but I’m worried you’ll feel the same just . . . somewhere else. I wish you’d find some help, just to talk things through.’
Alice sat down with her tea and tried to formulate her words. ‘Even if I do go to see a counsellor or someone, at some point, I need something to change, for me and for this puppy. I’m not taking care of either of us properly.’
‘A therapist could help you with that.’
‘But moving is what I want to donow. Bear is getting way too big for this flat, it’s not fair on him, and what’s the point in spending loads of money trying to get something bigger in London? I’m hardly living the London life any more. Besides, being here everything leads back to . . . everything just hurts, all the time.’
Liz sipped her tea and stretched her arm out to squeeze Alice’s shoulder. ‘We certainly don’t want that. Where would you like to move to?’
‘Now, that I haven’t figured out yet. Somewhere very different to here.’ Alice paused for a while, wanting to elaborate, but not even sure what she meant herself. Eventually she opened up. ‘I can’t not think about the concert. I can’t stand the heat, or the noise, or the crowds. And I know it’s October now and the heatwave has gone but I just feel so boxed in, everywhere, outside or inside and the thought of so many people and cars and crowds just make me . . . I can’t breathe any more. I feel like I was wearing rose-tinted glasses and they’ve been smashed to smithereens. And I don’t want to be like that. I don’twantto want to hide away.’
‘You’re definitely not yourself. We miss the old Alice.’
‘I don’t feel anything close to the girl I was three months ago. I just feel like I need to change something, and I don’t think I can change anything while I’m in this environment.’
‘Tell me your dream environment,’ Liz prompted. ‘Somewhere quiet?’
Alice thought. ‘Quiet, light, lots of space for Bear. Somewherecold.’
‘Maybe you should start by taking a trip?’ Liz brightened. ‘A break might do you good. We can look after this big Bear for a week or two.’
‘I can’t leave him,’ Alice said automatically. ‘What if he thinks he’s been . . . abandoned again?’
‘Youcanleave him,’ her mum said with care. ‘But it’s up to you. Maybe take a trip with him, that could be fun!’
‘Where do you want to go, Bear? I bet you’d appreciate going somewhere chilly. He’s so glad it’s autumn,’ Alice told her mum.
‘I bet he is, he’s a winter Bear.’
Inspiration struck Alice, a sparkle in the back of her mind that lit like an optical fibre flickering to life inside her, and she couldn’t believe she hadn’t thought about this before.
Alice turned to Bear who was sitting on the floor patiently, happy that these two were chatting above him, everyone staying where he could see them. His mouth hung open in a smile, big eyes trailing from Alice to her mum, pleased to be close by and included. ‘How about I take you to Switzerland, to the Bernese Oberland and up a mountain?’
