Chapter 8
‘Good morning,’ Ed said with surprise. ‘You’re up early.’
Alice walked into the kitchen dressed. It was nine a.m., so not early really, but considering the length of time she’d spent in bed over the past three weeks it was practically the crack of dawn. ‘Where’s Mum?’
‘Here,’ Liz answered, coming into the room and embracing her daughter. ‘Going somewhere?’
‘Actually, yes. I’m going to take Bahira up on the offer for a lift back up to London today.’
‘Oh, honey, you don’t have to go so soon, we can drive you back into town when you’re ready, can’t we Ed?’
‘Of course we can.’
‘I know, thank you, but I think I need to go for it. I remember Jill saying that puppies have about fifteen weeks before they stop learning things so easily, and he must be around that now. I think I need to get him home with me as soon as possible so he gets to know his new environment and any ground rules.’
It was funny, she was speaking like a convincing, functioning, human. Maybe this is how she would be from now on, a mask of a person. Because really, under the mask, she didn’t think she’d ever be over it.
She smiled at her parents. ‘Will you come up and stay, though, maybe next weekend? If you have no other plans? If you aren’t sick of me?’
‘Yes, any time,’ Liz nodded.
‘And if you wake up in the night and that pup is either making you more anxious or not making you feel better, you call us. Any time, it doesn’t matter, we can come up and get you or come and stay, you don’t have to be brave right through to the weekend.’
‘Thanks, Dad.’
She’d called Jill’s brother that morning. Her parents’ landline number was forever etched into her memory bank from years of childhood phone calls to Jill almost every night to talk about TV shows or books or boys or uni choices. But it felt somehow invasive to call them on that directly, to have them pick up the phone without realising who was on the other end, and to give them no choice in whether to talk to her or not. So instead she called Sam, and asked him if she should take Bear today. He’d agreed, saying it would be a big help, actually, and the relief in his voice was enough to cement the deal for Alice. Bear was her responsibility from today, there was no going back. It was the least she could do to help. She owed this to Jill’s family. She owed this to Jill.
*
As she and her mum approached Jill’s family home to collect the puppy, Alice had thrown up at the end of their driveway. It came out of nowhere, and she didn’t think anyone had seen, but she and her mum had sat on the pavement for at least ten minutes before making their way to the house.
‘You don’t have to do this, you know. You’re going through enough, you don’t have to be the one to take on a pet as well.’ Her mum stroked her back as she said this.
Alice faced the concrete ground, her back hunched, her forehead sweating. ‘I have to.’
Liz was silent for a few moments. ‘Will you bring him back to our house then, and you can both stay there for a while?’
‘No, I want to get him settled in his new home. It’s not taking on Bear, that’s not why I’m . . . ’
‘I know.’
How could she go in there, into her family’s personal space, without Jill? When she was the one who took Jill away? How could they ever forgive her?
‘I don’t want to see all the photos of her on the walls.’
‘I know,’ her mum soothed, lost for what to say.
Alice’s breathing returned to the normal, numb breath she was getting used to, and she slowly rose, checking herself for traces of vomit. She nodded at her mother, and they slowly made their way up the driveway. Alice kept her eyes down, afraid to look up in case she couldn’t stop herself looking towards the window in the top left-hand corner – Jill’s childhood bedroom.
Her mum knocked on the door, and the sound of scrambling feet on wood and crumpled ears being shaken out could be heard before the door had even opened.
When Sam pulled the door open, Bear scrabbled through and Alice exclaimed, ‘Oh my gosh!’, not believing how much he’d grown in the past month. ‘Hello, you,’ she said to him as he greeted her like a long-lost friend.
Bear circled her and bounced and waved his paws and beamed up at her, his eyes big and his tail wagging furiously. He sniffed briefly at her mum’s knees before turning his attention back to Alice.
‘Someone’s pleased to see you,’ Sam commented with a smile.
He remembers me. And she was surprised at how pleased she was to see him, this little tornado.
