“The right thing for who? You? Because it’s not the right thing for me.” He was staring at me like I’d just fucking broken his heart, and itkilledme. Every single part of me wanted to go to him, to wrap him in my arms and take back the words I’d said. To tell him that losing him scared me more than losing any hockey game ever could. But I couldn’t.
We had to do the right thing. It was better to make a clean break now, when I could go away and lick my wounds in private, and Jude had his brother to focus on. And at least this way, I could pretend I’d had some control over how it ended.
“Cody.Please.” His voice cracked, and I couldn’t stand it any longer.
“Take care of your brother,” I rasped, moving towards the door. “And yourself. You’re going to do amazing things with Glevum.”
Out in the hallway, I leaned against the wall with my eyes closed, taking deep, shuddering breaths, hating myself for what I’d just done.
Then I returned to my apartment and finally let myself fall apart.
19
Cody
My life had turned into a nightmare. A nightmare of my own making. The pressure in my chest was immense. My head was filled with a thick fog of fucking anguish, and my shoulders were heavy with the crushing weight of knowing I’d lost both the Stanley Cup and Jude in the space of a night. When I’d dared to venture outside my apartment and been confronted by the disappointed faces of the fans…I struggled to breathe. All I wanted was to hide away alone until this pain left my chest and I could breathe again.
But I had responsibilities. People who were depending on me. And no matter how badly I’d fucked up in almost every area of my life, I wasn’t going to let them down.
Marcus was already warming up when I stepped onto the ice at the community rink. A wide, genuine smile spread across his face when he saw me, and for the first time since Toronto, I felt some of the pressure in my chest ease.
Not all of it. Not nearly enough. I was all too aware of the empty space in the stands where Jude had quickly become a familiar sight, silently supporting me with his presence.
But enough to take a breath. To concentrate on the one thing I still had, that I hadn’t tainted.
Skating in my direction, Marcus picked up speed as he flew across the rink. He came to a skidding stop in front of me, sending a shower of ice into the air.
When I raised my brows at his showy move, he responded with an unapologetic grin. “Cody! I watched the game. You guys played so hard. I wish we’d won, but we’ll get it next year.”
Fuck, I wished I could take the loss as easily as he seemed to be. “Thanks,” I managed. Clearing my throat, I attempted a smile. “Ready to start? I thought we could do some gap control drills today.”
For the next hour, I lost myself in the familiar rhythm of coaching. Little by little, the pressure on my chest eased, still suffocating, but I was able to take a breath by the time the session came to an end.
Jack made his way down from the stands towards us. He studied me for a moment before clapping me on the shoulder. “You boys should be proud of what you accomplished this season.”
“Thanks.” I stared down at my skates, words falling from my mouth that I hadn’t meant to say, because they were too honest. “It doesn’t feel like much of an accomplishment right now. It feels like I let everyone down.”
“You know what my dad used to tell me? You win some, you lose some, but you always get back up.You’llget back up.” Jack’s voice was gentle but firm. He glanced towards his son. “You haven’t let anyone down, either. Look at what you’ve accomplished with Marcus.”
Marcus held up his hand to his dad for a high five and then spun around to jab his gloved finger in my direction. “Yeah! I’m gonna make it onto the team, thanks to you, and next year, you’re gonna win the Stanley Cup.”
The conviction in his voice took me aback. Had anyone ever put so much blind faith in me before? I swallowed around thelump in my throat as Jack patted my shoulder, and Marcus shot me a playful grin before copying his dad’s move.
“Thanks. Both of you. It means a lot,” I said hoarsely.
As I watched them leave, something clicked into place inside me. Standing here on the chipped, scuffed ice of this worn community rink, I realised that I felt like I belonged.
I belonged here. Teaching kids who loved to play.
I wasn’t sure if I’d ever felt that before in any of my professional games. I loved being on the ice, playing to win, but this…
I’d never admitted it to myself before, but now, I could. I loved coaching, more than I loved playing in the NHL. What that meant for my future, I had no idea. My contract was about to expire, and I still wasn’t sure if Calgary would want me back next season. While I loved coaching, the amount I charged could barely cover the cost of a cup of coffee, let alone my rent and bills. Yeah, I had some investments, but they wouldn’t keep me afloat forever, and I couldn’t rely on uncertainties.
“So this is where you’ve been disappearing to.”
I spun around to find fucking Petrov and Davis standing at the boards, their expressions a combination of curiosity and something that looked like concern.
“What the fuck are you two doing here?”
